It is Well with My Soul,

Two days before Madie's birthday when she would have turned 25, I was asked if I would be willing to direct the Stake Conference Choir in December.  I was given a CD with the music that was going to be presented for approval, to listen to, to make sure I was willing to direct the songs.  

The following day was our bi-annual Stake Conference, and I was singing in the choir with about 60 other individuals.  It was a spirit-filled meeting and we closed with the choir singing a beautiful arrangement of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing." This hymn has personal applications for me with Madie so it was a very sweet way to end the Stake Conference, and my eyes leaked more than a little.

That afternoon I sat outside contemplating Madie's birthday that was hours away and listened over and over to the CD with the 6 hymns that were selected. I found it very easy to sing along with the chorus of "It is Well With My Soul", as tears now really flowed freely.  

I reflected on the healing that had taken place since her birthday a year earlier. I felt immensely humbled and grateful.

The words to the chorus kept floating through my brain the rest of the evening and I was grateful for each of the songs I had listened to repeatedly that afternoon, a balm for my soul.  

Monday on Madie's Birthday, a friend reached out and asked me to go to lunch with her.  She wanted to stop at Home Goods on the way home, and I thought, "I would love to find myself something as a remembrance of today" which is something I have done several times on her birthday over the past seven birthdays without her.   

I came across a plaque in the clearance section that was kind of beat up.  They didn't have another one that wasn't marred, but I decided I could maybe freshen it up with a bit of paint and if not, it could represent the beatings our souls often take.  It seemed perfect for this year.  

 I then did some digging and found out the story behind this Hymn. It is actually as inspiring as the song itself. 

Horatio G. Spafford and his wife, Anna, were prominent people in 1860’s Chicago. As well as being a lawyer and businessman, the Spaffords were also supporters and close friends of D.L. Moody, the famous preacher.

In 1870 things started to go wrong. The Spaffords’ only son died of scarlet fever at the age of four. A year later, the Chicago Fire destroyed all their real estate holdings on the shores of Lake Michigan.

Horatio decided to take his wife and four daughters on a holiday to England to get away from their troubles and to help D.L. Moody on his evangelistic tour of Britain. The Spaffords traveled to New York in November of 1873 to catch a French steamer to cross the Atlantic. At the last minute, a business development forced Horatio to stay behind. He saw his family onto the ship and made plans to catch up with them later.

On November 2nd, 1873, the ‘Ville de Havre’, the ship carrying the Spaffords, had collided with ‘The Lochearn’, an English vessel. It sank in only 12 minutes, claiming the lives of 226 people among them were his daughters, Annie, Maggie, Bessie, and Tanetta. Only his wife, Anna, was spared. She sent a telegram to her husband which read, in part, “Saved alone. What shall I do?”

Upon hearing the terrible news, Horatio Spafford boarded the next ship out of New York to join his bereaved wife. The captain of the ship had called Horatio to the bridge and said, “A careful reckoning has been made and I believe we are now passing the place where the ‘de Havre’ was wrecked. The water is three miles deep.” Horatio then returned to his cabin, buffed by the seas and his grief, and penned the lyrics of his great hymn.

Sometimes our day looks pretty tough but through God, we can say, “It is well with my soul.” Psalm 46 tells us that God is our refuge and strength and that he is present in our sorrows. Romans 8:28 says, “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Even Anna Spafford said in the midst of her despair she heard a voice say, “You were spared for a purpose.” We don’t always see the big picture. But God is there for us in it all.

As I walk this healing journey from losing Madeline, there are good days and there are bad days, mostly good now. I'm learning to allow whatever the experience is of any given day to just be without the judgment and bullying that occurred in the past. I need to focus on the joy and good things. When I fall, and I do, I know I can rise strong again.  Looking for the good that God allows to happen even in trying circumstances.

“It Is Well With My Soul” is not only an anchor for my spiritual walk but it even helps me with the buffers I have used since Madeline passed away. Songs are powerful reminders and anchors for my journey. They evoke emotion and move me to action. Do you have a song that helps you when you are weak?  I have a full arsenal of music that helps me rise again and again.

Listen below to the arrangement of "It is Well With My Soul"

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Cc4pGqiixU

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL
by Horatio Spafford

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Mother's Day Miracle

Larry and I have been going to the temple early Saturday mornings lately. I had prayed that we would have a wonderful experience, realizing tomorrow is Mother's Day and Madeline's birthday is just a short time after Mother's Day. 

In light of that, and because I wanted to wear a long necklace I grabbed a special necklace a friend made for me after Madeline passed away. It has an inscription Madeline had included on a Mother's Day card she made me the last year she was alive. 

As I was changing into my temple clothes I was about to take off the necklace and realized tomorrow it would be seven years since that Mother's Day. Seven equals perfection; rest. 

I teared up a bit and opted to leave the necklace on under my temple dress close to my heart. 


I recently decided to not resist whatever feelings come up but to instead just experience them. Vulnerable I went into the chapel and sat next to Larry.  

During the Endowment I again teared up and wanted to believe Madeline was possibly there with me. I thought about all the Mother's Day's I had experienced since becoming a mother almost 37 years ago.

I resolved to look at Mother's Day through a different lens this year. As I contemplated, some thoughts I considered were; "It's okay, Mother's Day can be a beautiful experience. You can choose to think about all the amazing women in your life. All those who have been a powerful influence on you and your family."

I pondered on the gift of each of my children, daughters-in-law, and grandchildren.  How grateful I am for them and the joy they bring to our family. 

I then reflected on the 4 babies I lost, and the lessons I learned going through those experiences. The most important being I can do all things through Christ.  When heartbreaks are devastating, he is the strengthening source to help us as we stumble. This knowledge prepared me when Madeline's unexpected death crushed my soul. 

I thought about my own mother, my mother-in-law, and grandmothers.  I reflected on their qualities and guidance. Their impact seems incomprehensible.

I thought about female role models, old and young who have mentored me and family members.

As I was contemplating and praying in the Celestial Room, I felt immersed in love and was incredibly grateful for our experience in the temple that morning. It was tender and endearing.  I seriously had no idea what was just around the corner.


A bit later as I was leaving the bathroom in the dressing room, I noticed two girls names on lockers that I assumed were getting married today. The name right in front of me was Madeline. 

I stopped cold in my tracks, and my heart was filled with this extra witness that heaven was aware of me and my thoughts personally. 

Oh, how I wished I could see what this Madeline looks like, but realized it was early and she might not be in the temple yet.


I walked over to a table to add names to a prayer roll. As I was writing I noticed a card on the counter with a girls name on it that said Live Endowment. This meant it was her first time and she was receiving the blessings herself. Her name was Elizabeth Rose Leone. I stared in disbelief. There was Madeline's middle name Rose and my mother's middle name Leone, which is also my grandmother's first name.

 All of these were people I had hoped to feel a connection with during our endowment session that morning. Oh, how I wished I could see who these women were. 

Just then a girl walked up and picked up the card. I asked, "Are you Elizabeth Rose Leone?"  She said "yes". I smiled and told her I loved her name. I was delighted to see she was young, about Madeline's age when she passed away. 

I knew Larry was probably waiting for me and I was tempted to peek in the bridal room but resisted. 


Right after exiting the dressing room a girl and her mother passed and as soon as they walked by I thought "That's Madeline!" I looked back and said "Madeline?"  She turned around surprised.  I said, "You're Madeline." She responded "yes". I said, "you're getting married." Again she said "yes".

 I then decided to look at her mother, and to my surprise there stood a woman I had known since I moved to Houston 38 years ago when she was a young girl. 

I was shocked, and said, "Your daughter's name is Madeline?"  She smiled and said. "Yes".  I responded, "You know I lost my daughter Madeline, and I was hoping to somehow have an experience here today, just to know she was around and that I was missing her". I told them about the middle name of the other girl, and then I apologized for stopping them. The mom said, "No, thank you!"


I walked out to the waiting area where Larry was, wondering if the girl with Rose for her middle name was around. I saw her across the room and as I was turning back towards Larry a lady waved at me. I wasn't sure who she was but it looked like she was the escort of Elizabeth Rose. I felt kind of unsure and said "You waved at me right?  Have we met before?"
She said "yes, and reintroduced herself to me". 
I immediately remembered her but hadn't seen her in years. I inquired, "Is Elizabeth Rose your daughter?"  "Yes". Then Elizabeth walked over and joined us. I discovered she is going on a mission and just finished her first year at North Texas as a vocal performance major. A singer no less. Some of my fondest memories with Madeline involved accompanying her and mentoring her as she prepared for singing auditions and performances.  
                                
                                This was amazing!


I couldn't believe I got to see both girls. They were both beautiful inside and out and doing something extremely important today. 

My mind swirled as I contemplated on Madeline's, my mom's, and grandmother's hellos being orchestrated perfectly. It was beautiful to think just like my children were allowed to call home from their mission's on Mother's Day, Madeline also is able to check in from time to time, and I am so thankful to know what I believed before she died. Which is that we still exist and are aware of loved ones when we pass away.  It's real.  Death isn't the end.  It's a rebirth to another world of experiences, one that I will forever be grateful to have seen glimpses of as a gift from a loving Heavenly Father. 

It's hard to express the gratitude my heart is experiencing on a weekend that has in the past held such tender feelings, having neither my mother or my daughter alive, and yet my life continues with purpose knowing they aren't far away. 

For me, that makes living filled with hope and commitment to somehow honor them, magnifying the lessons I've learned from both of their untimely deaths.

I believe truly living means living with courage in spite of vulnerability.  It's getting up when we fall and becoming something we couldn't have achieved without the crushing blows that living brings. It's empowering to know that with our Savior we become the authors of our lives.  We write our own stories, crafted from heartbreak and failure.  We decide.  The power is ours.