Time is a ridiculously tricky thing. Our minds can be in the present moment and then with a thought, smell or picture, we are back in a place in time and it feels like it just happened. So it is today as I remember two years ago with clarity.
Nov 20,2012
I received a text from Taylor announcing his engagement to Bailee at about 1:30 a.m. I was struggling with falling asleep, and when the text came in I was beyond excited, so I got on facebook to look at pictures they had posted. Finally I settled down and went to sleep around 2 a.m., but oddly woke up just after 7 a.m. central time, feeling very unsettled, and frustrated at my lack of sleep. My husband who was sleeping in another room, also woke up about that time. Both without alarms, and yet hours later I found out it was soon after Madie had died, since the accident happened around 6 am in Utah. I have thought that she somehow was able to arouse both of us.
I had a room I was in the middle of painting, but never got to it that morning. Instead I taught a piano student, put a gratitude post and birthday posts on Facebook ( including one to my son Sterling), and then just sat at the table talking to MarShae. I have often thought back about that time chatting with her, the last normal conversation I would have, ever.
I can say that because nothing has been normal since Madie died. Everything instantly changed for me, and even though I am working to find what my new normal looks like, I still grasp at straws because it's so foreign to me. Losing a child isn't something that you really get over. I believe with time I will learn how to live with it, but I will never be the same again. I'm fragile because I immediately realized I'm not protected from tragic events, it left me feeling vulnerable in my deepest of places.
As a mother from the earliest moments I discovered I was expecting, I shifted my life to nurture, protect and care for the child I was carrying. Losing four pregnancies, gave me my first experiences with grieving over a child that didn't live to experience all the hopes and dreams I had for that child. Losing Madie, was not only losing all the hopes and dreams of who she would become, but it was also losing the fact that I could protect a child from the ultimate parental nightmare, losing them.
I feel like part of me went with her. Every mother knows that each of her children gets a part of her physical body, but I believe we also give a part of our soul to each child as we give up part of who we are to make room for helping them grow and thrive.
Early on in my writing I wrote about feeling like I was bipolar. I have come to understand that it is a very good description for life after a mother loses a child. The mood swings are vast, and it gets very exhausting, and yet I feel anything else is not honoring what is really going on inside of me, and putting myself on a stage to be what I and others believe grief should look like.
It's complicated.
I can be doing great, and then I am not. Never knowing what might take me to a place that is difficult. Sometimes it is other life events or changes that amplify the lose. Losing our pet cat, Kuzo very unexpectedly earlier this month would be an example of that. it opened up grief, that I assumed I was finished with.
Over the past few days, I have seen several "Madie Hello's" that were too uncanny to ignore. It has given me some peace, to realize comfort is coming in ways I couldn't have orchestrated. One was the new disney trailer for Cinderella. This was one of Madie's favorite Disney films growing up. One Christmas morning her older siblings played this movie on full volume just to get her out of bed so they could start opening presents. The trailer had Madieism's all over it. Maybe watching it over and over as a child instilled in her kindness, which was a sweet theme in it..
Watch here if you haven't seen it
Another was a new Mormon messages video that shocked me at the end.
Watch here to see why
Still another was Mitt Romney speaking at BYU on Nov 18th.
I was a big supporter of his campaign and remember with clarity just two weeks before Madie died the discouragement I felt at him losing the election. Unexpectedly our family received an email from his phone, shortly after Madie died offering his condolences. I marveled that in his own moments of discouragement he reached out to us.
Another happened on the night of the 20th. After the family dinner celebrating Sterling's birthday, we were watching "Edge of Tomorrow" and I fell asleep early in the movie holding a kitten, we were calling "Rose" that had just come to our home that afternoon, (more about the kittens later). I happened to wake up right when Emily Blunt was dying in Tom Cruise's arms and said, "My middle name is Rose"
I thought, "Are you kidding me? I woke up for that line?" I knew in my heart it was to let me know that it is real. "Madie Hellos" aren't me just looking for anything that would remind me of her. No, all of these happened in a matter of days, and bolstered my courage and confidence when I had been drowning in doubt.
A Scripture that has carried me for years as I tried to do unsurmountable things is
"I can do all things through Christ, who strengtheneth me"
Philippians (:13.
I have come to believe that we do have things that happen that are by their very nature, things that can destroy us. They are bigger then us. They take us to dark places that we didn't know we could ever live through. It's not a one time occurrence either. Rather a repeated situation of sorrow or discouragement that is impossible to explain. It's only through reaching for help from above that we are able to survive.
In these moments, sometimes all I could do was think,
" please help"
"I can't do this"
"It's killing everything inside of me"
Always in time the windows of hope opened to me..
Call me crazy, but I have witnessed them and know, we have help from above, and that is the greatest blessing of losing Madie, knowledge that no matter how many times I falter, that "hope" is available and eventually rises again. I know we aren't alone as we walk our mortal journeys. I know Christ and departed loved ones are aware. I know that the spirit prompts others to reach out, or to be kind at just the right moment. I know that a butterfly or rainbow will appear out of nowhere, and dance around me. That texts, messages, phone calls, and "kittens" will come in the most needed of hours. And for all of these things, I am grateful, and learning that I can do this. The mountain that was dumped upon me is being lifted one rock at a time, by angels here and from above.
And since I mentioned"Kittens", I want to share the miracle of them being brought into my life early in the afternoon of the anniversary, Nov. 20th.
Marielle didn't want to go to school that day so we went to the temple that morning. Even though it was a good thing to do, there was a heavy energy in the car as Larry, Marielle and I drove to the temple and also as we left. It felt like a good thing to do, but every little while my eyes would fill with tears, and I wished it would feel easier. I then asked Marielle if she wanted to go look at some kittens that I had heard were at a veterinary hospital and were up for adoption. She was super excited so the two of us went, but they didn't have the kittens even to look at so it felt like a dead end.
I was visiting with a receptionist who told me this isn't the time of year that kittens were available, something I had no idea about. Then the Veterinary walked in and I instantly recognized him from over a decade earlier. He didn't know who I was but I told him I was Sterling Morris' mom, and he instantly remembered. His son had played soccer with Sterling for several years. As we were exchanging what our sons were doing, I meantioned that it was Sterling's birthday and the anniversary of one of the little girls who used to be on the sidelines at the games accidental death. I had already told him we had put our cat to sleep two weeks earlier, and with the added events of the day, and it's significance, he said to his receptionists, "we need to find them a kitten". "Call Donna and see if she has any kittens by chance". Well Donna did and soon we were on our way to her house. She rescues cats, and then they are placed for adoption through Petco. We told her we wanted a girl which she had two, and when we saw them I instantly was drawn to a little white one with pink ears and tail.
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| Introducing "Rose" |
It reminded me of Madie's rose bush and I thought here's our kitten if she's nice. Donna told me that she is shy, and the runt, but after watching and holding her and asking Marielle if she felt good about her, I told Donna we wanted to take her. She instantly responded, "they can't be adopted till after they are fixed on Dec 1st". (which happens to be the two year anniversary of Madie's funeral)
I then told her why we were hoping to adopt one that day, because it would give us something happy to remember about the two year anniversary. She said, well she can't go alone, because she's really shy and has been kind of fragile. She said if you will take the sister,
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| Rose's sister we are calling "Bella" |
then I will let you take them but only if we promised to bring them back to be spade on the 1st. We readily agreed and I realized it would give us a chance to see if they liked us and were social. Soon we were off with our happiness fix. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted to have these little tiny kittens to care for and love. We had a few issues with them which meant going back to get some medicine for them, but they have adjusted to humans very well, because they hadn't been acclimated yet. The rest of the day felt so happy, and I realized maybe Zuko had served his purpose and I needed sisters to adopt, two of them, and coincidentally take them on the two year anniversary. Everything to give me something to take care of, I was finally back in a happy zone.
That's one last thing to explain, for any who might still be reading. When dealing with a very difficult loss it's easy to have any number of things on any given day be like a slide into grief and dispair. It's a constant battle, but I never know when something will trigger tears. It happens everywhere, and it's completely unpredictable. I never know if it will be for a few moments, hours, days, weeks, or even sometimes months that the battle is going on. This fall has been a loaded dice for me in regards to this, but I have wanted to not really be public about it because I want to be happy. So I am always looking and searching for something to literally cling to that will pull me up for an unknown amount of time, and give me some joy. It is something that when it comes I cling to it as long as it carries me. Then the slide again. Sometimes the happiness makes it to where the slide is really small and I recover quickly. Sometimes it is just one after another where it's hard to find solid footing. The kittens have been a big one. I told Larry I felt like they would carry me through at least the anniversary of the accident, Thanksgiving and the funeral. I am hoping for Christmas and beyond, but will take whatever it gives me.
Some additional things I want to remember.
Some of the day to day challenges--
Passion has been hard to find. Projects involving my other children seem to be the best for passing time, and enjoying life. But when they are finished, I find myself alone with my thoughts, and that can be difficult. I have learned to divert my thoughts, and look for things to do, but for the most part, there is a lot of time to process the various changes that my life is adjusting to. After years of struggling to find time for myself, I have come to know the opposite, time...
Empty nester is lurking around the corner, and with having such a large family, things have definitely gotten a lot quieter around our house, which gives me other aspects to process while I am trying to figure out the loss part. What does life look like for me after spending my adult life raising children as my main focus.
Two years--
I now enter new uncharted territory, not like the past two years has been charted, but twice I have gone two years without seeing sons of mine while they were serving missions, and something about hitting the two year mark has really messed with my brain. I remember counting down the months till my sons would return. Their homecoming's were the best of life's experiences. Even though I have known from the beginning she wouldn't be returning, I now am struggling with the longing that never is satisfied.
Kindness--
I will always remember the kindnesses and concern that we have been shown. I have learned, that tragedy brings out the best in people. I will forever be grateful!
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| Roses always remind me of Madeline Rose |
I have fought my way through the past two years, and have found that even though people tell me I am doing better, I think it's mostly I have gotten better at handling it, and controlling the grief. I read several blog posts from last year around the one year mark, and I thought, "These sound like you are describing so many things that you have been feeling". It was a bit discouraging, but for those who have lost children, a common thing that I have heard, is that it takes years to feel like you have a handle on life and aren't going crazy on the inside. I am grateful to those who have reached out and shared some of their experiences. it has helped me feel normal in my dysfunctional state, the normal that I have been trying to establish.
Last of all--
Dear Madie,
You have changed more lives then you could have ever expected to do. When I think of the people who have been changed for the good, it makes me proud of the life you lived. I love you, I miss you, and can't wait to hug you again. Keep sending me hello's, it is what keeps me here living the life I am destined to finish.
Two years, seems like a lifetime, and yet a blink of the eye. I hope it is what it feels like when we are finally reunited, but until then, I have come to know that it's a complicated road to walk, one I wish I didn't understand.
Mom
