God loves broken things....

The past two months have been a personal healing time for me on a physical, spiritual, and emotional basis.  As I have pulled myself up from the ashes of this experience, I have recently recalled the experience that happened nine months ago that I blogged about "I am Grateful" 
 I reread it and knew the answers I was seeking were right there. 

That said, I have also realized that I am somehow stronger because of what I have gone through during this very difficult couple of months.  I have learned that I can have disappointments, that I can feel broken and that I will still be faced with the choice, of will this break you or make you?  

 I've come to understand that God loves broken things.
He breaks clouds into rain, and then the promised rainbow.  
He breaks soil, and the grain becomes wheat that is broken into bread.
He breaks our hearts, because in our brokenness we have a choice that can bring us to him...

I recently went through Madie's 20th birthday with healing moments surrounding it. I captured this picture early on her 20th birthday, May 20th,2014. 

 I saw so much symbolism that morning!  The golden sunrise on her golden birthday, the birds that danced around me, the M the wings made on this bird. Several groups of 8 birds flying in a row that symbolized one for each letter of her name, M A D E L I N E

Galveston was a perfect place for finding some answers that I needed, it was the last place Madie wanted to go before she left for BYU, and where we spent many family moments during her growing up years.

 I recalled on that personal historic day,(her 20th birthday and 18 month anniversary) that I had in my heart before she died already come to terms with giving her to the Lord for 18 months while she served a mission that she was preparing for. 

 As I struggled with her decision to serve a mission, and not seeing her for 18 months, and little contact during that time period, I had decided I would  consecrate my personal desires, so she could serve him. I was turning my will over to him, and setting her free, because I already was struggling with her just being away at BYU. It was a deep personal sacrifice I was preparing for.

 I had no clue what was around the corner...

 As I realized that her 20th birthday was also the 18 month anniversary of her death, and that was the time I had agreed to in my heart before she died, I came to understand that really the rest of my life was my complete consecration of my heart and soul to my Heavenly Father.

 It's like something changed in moving past the 18 month mark. 

 It became sacred 

 I wanted to somehow change my heart from the complaining spirit of 

"Why do I have to do this?"

to 

"Okay I am willing to walk this path"

and

"I trust this will be for my good"  

This has brought a peace that I haven't been able to find since she died. 
 I am striving to be the consecrated daughter of God that I was born to become, 

 and somehow this understanding has turned the tide....

Do I miss her? 

There are no words... But this is how I envision she would look serving the mission she was called on, a mission I wish I could see...