Life brings other challenges

I am grateful for six hours of sleep!

I have been dealing with shingles for the past 2+ weeks, and this past week struggled to sleep without medications to ease some of the pain.

I was starting to become worried about the addiction to the meds that I could see was happening, and so I decided to not take the hydrocodone or anything that might help me sleep. I have had 3 nights this week where sleep didn't come till after 5:30 am and then only for about 3 hours. That was enough crazy for one week, because I am also in varrying degrees of phsical pain.

The parodox was understanding that sleep was where healing could come and a break from the pain, and yet deep concerns about the long term effects of the drugs. In the past I have struggled with insomnia and addiction to pain meds from years of migraines, so the inability to sleep without something helping, even if it was benedryl was causing me additional stress and concern. (Benydryl often results in waking with a headache, so not the best option for me).

Stress is a large factor in a shingles outbreak, that and a compromised immune system. So more stress over the worry of not sleeping, and the drug addiction I could see was forming was what led me to starting gratitude posts publicly again.

Some additional things I am grateful to be learning.

Even though I woke up at 3 am I was incredibly grateful to have slept drug free, and med free. I am grateful for comfort that has come through my Savior when I felt broken. I am thankful for people who have reached out and been kind and loving. I am grateful for being able to wean myself off of pain meds during an 8 hour day in the temple Saturday. Even though sleep didn't come that night, and I felt I like I was losing it mentally all day Sunday, I had some breakthrough inspirations that came during church. One was that my physical pain had been lifted almost completely. I had thought maybe I was finished with shingles pain, until I woke up with renewed spirits but searing burning pain again this morning. It was then very clear that I had been spared physical pain all day Sunday. I could see that I was being helped to continue my quest to remain drug free. It has encouraged me to ride this pain cycle out again, because I also feel that I am healing physically, and grateful for direction and answers that have come during this experience. I am grateful to have a different level of compassion then I had before experiencing something that doesn't have an end date. (I have heard and read many horror stories, and honestly feel like I can't imagine this being a chronic condition).

I have been grateful that having shingles has given me the motivation that nothing else has been able to do since Madie died to return to a healthy lifestyle. It was something that Madie and I did together, and I struggled from the beginning being able to continue.

It has been easier then I thought it ever could be, but I have learned from this that intense pain makes other things like hunger or food, not seem so appealing. I realized that every time I have attempted to return to eating healthier, I haven't had the ability to last more then a few days. This is an added gift and blessing from this experience, and helps me have hope for the future.

I am grateful that Marielle decided to take charge of a very difficult situation yesterday, because I was beyond discouraged. She made dinner, got a puzzle out for me to work on to distract me, and quoted a scripture to me as I drove her to a youth activity.

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life” (2 Nephi 31:20).

I marveled at who she is becoming and felt immense gratitude that she is here during this period of my life.

The Rose Ring

  Last month I went on an Annual Business trip with Larry to San Antonio.  I have gone many times in the past 22 years, and it rotates to different cities in Texas. We left early Wednesday morning and checked into our Hotel before 10 am.  I then dropped Larry off at a golfing event and drove to the San Antonio Temple to attend the last session for that day at noon.  

   The Houston Temple had been  closed for three weeks, and I was excited to visit the San Antonio Temple. I have heard since it was finished in 2005 that it was incredibly beautiful. I had no expectations of anything unusual happening, but was soon surprised by one of the most extraordinary   "Madie Hello's"  I have experienced since Madeline passed away.

I saw a young girl in the dressing room waiting with her mother that I knew from  the Houston Temple.  We hugged and I had hoped to sit by her but when I went into the Ordinance Room there was one open seat on the front row and then some seats on the third row. She was seated on the second row. Since there wasn't an empty chair by her I almost sat on the front row so I would have more time in the Celestial Room before the Temple closed, but then thought, "No just go sit on the third row." Soon another woman came in and sat next to me. I had no way of knowing at the time how important that was.

 As the session began I felt so much peace, and somewhat sleepy from getting up so early.  Eventually we changed rooms and when I entered the new room I was overcome with the intricate beauty.   It felt wonderful to be in a temple again.

 The sister next to me touched my hand and said "I haven't seen a ring like this since the one my husband gave me for my wedding ring." 

   I explained that my husband bought one for each of the girls in our family for Christmas a few years ago just after my daughter passed away in a car accident because her middle name was Rose.  Unfortunately I lost the diamond out of my wedding ring just before the accident so now I wear this for my wedding ring, and love the constant reminder of my sweet girl. 

  She was overcome with emotion to see it again but I noticed she wasn't wearing her rose ring.  She proceeded to tell me that while we were in the other room she was drowsy and felt a hand pat her leg just like her husband used to do.  It aroused her and she looked at her watch and realized what day and time it was.
 Her husband  had died suddenly 36 years ago at that very time, just two weeks after she had giving birth to their 4th child. 
She knew the anniversary was close but tried to block out focusing on it so that she doesn't experience the trauma and emotions all over again. I understood perfectly the difficulty of anniversaries.
  
She then explained that she didn't have her ring any more because she gave it to her oldest daughter who's name was Madeline.  At that point I about fell out of my chair.  I realized how many things had lined up for us to be there sitting next to each other. We had both left our house early that morning living 7 hours apart and were sitting next to each other by noon, in a room full of people.

Soon we entered the Celestial room, which had roses in a bouquet on a table right in front of the tree of life stained glass window.  I felt like I was in another world as tears filled my eyes.  

We sat down and she related to me that it was a very last minute decision to come to the temple. 
Her friend named "Rosa" had called her the night before and asked her if she could possibly drive to the temple with her in the morning.  She cleared her day and they also left early that morning from McAllen,Texas to make the last session at noon. 

I was overcome with how much the Lord loves each of his children, and how merciful he is. I know that his love is real.  I felt an outpouring of it in his Holy Temple and I knew that angels had been close by watching over details in my life. 

Kindness lives on as miracles came from Madie today

Miracles happened in the temple this morning as random schedules lined up and I was in the right place at the right time to hear this sweet girls name, Avery Ivonosky.

 I knew Madie and her sister Emma were pretty pleased with their efforts for our paths to cross and for me to not only hear her name but know that she lost her sister Emma just four months ago in a freak accident.

Later in the day I realized that Avery's father had started a 13 days of random acts of kindness in honor of Emma that began today to help get through their first Christmas without Emma.



 If I hadn't been in the act of helping Avery (she was in the temple for her first time), as I thought she looked a bit unsure of what to do when she came into the dressing room so I proceeded to explain where things were and how to do certain things.

 

  

My purpose in being at the temple at this particular time was to be a part of Celeste Heck's first experience going to the temple since she was baptized in November.

My intentions were to finish quickly because Marielle was in a drama tournament that I was going to be attending the rest of the day.

A little while later as I was helping Celeste I was asked by a temple worker if I could stay and help the next girl because they were short workers for a few minutes.. 

It was as I was helping Avery that I heard her grandfather say her name and the tears started flowing.  I looked at her grandmother who was about 15 feet in front of me watching Avery and was sure she was Tiffany's mother because the resemblance was so striking. I hadn't met any of the Ivonosky family but have followed their story because mutual friends shared it with me when Emma died. 

I've felt empathy and understanding of their journey that feels so familiar. Both of our daughter's legacy of being kind. Both family's honoring our girls through spreading kindness..
Memories started flooding my mind.
I remembered Marielle going to this same temple when she was 12 just a few months after Madie died with Sawyer. I remembered him picking her up early that morning and still being in my pajamas. I recalled as soon as they left realizing I was going to miss something special, throwing on a dress and quickly driving to the temple. 
All these memories came flooding back to my mind as I watched sweet Avery's first experience of being baptized for her ancestors, and the tears streamed down my face.
 I realized how much all of us are loved by our Heavenly Father for this to just randomly occur this morning. I understood just how close our loved one's are. I knew Madie and Emma were pretty excited that this had happened, and their kindness came through the veil 
together today.


  As for the rest of my day, it was fun to see Marielle do so well, and place in several events.

My heart is full of gratitude as I reflect on the  many witnesses over the past month, while in the temple of Madie's involvement in my life.today's was extra special.

. ‪#‎forouremma ‬‪#‎madelinerose‬

Anniversaries with peace at 27 months...

I have always had a thing for numbers.  I love doing Sudoku and math always came easy for me. I also remember dates like the day we closed on our house April 23rd, only to purchase our first new car a few years later on the same date.  I also discovered twice on April 27th, that two babies I was carrying had died during my second trimester.
Because of this I have thought that the 20's in a calender month hold special significance to me.  Larry and I were married 34 years ago today on March 21st.

 I had my first child on May 24, only to have each of my other children born on a day in the 20's except for Marielle. After a full day of labor at 11:30 p.m. on Oct.19th my doctor said, "you have been pushing for 2 hours,which seems like a long time for your 7th child."  I told him I thought she was waiting to be born on the 20th. He determined I had pushed long enough and out came forceps, a first for me. He carefully pulled her out during my next contraction just before midnight. I have often thought she was supposed to be born on the 20th, maybe so that I would know that there was some kind of order in the heavens.
 Now some could say that is just how my cycle runs but I have had children born two weeks late, two weeks early, and right on time.  Madie was born on May 20th, sharing Sterling's half birthday November 20th. The accident happened on November 20th, which seemed wrong but significant at the same time.
 Maybe all of my fascination with numbers was a way for me to later recognize that God was in charge. 
In the beginning it seemed so weird and awful to me that it happened on such an important date, but over time I saw the wisdom in the "coincidence" of it.  With an accident that kills a child and almost another child, with the circumstances around the accident, it could be easy to think, "how is this possible?"  
Did God have his back turned or did the angels just forget their assignments? 
Was the Holy Ghost's promptings completely unavailable or maybe it was precisely what was supposed to happen. Possibly Heavenly Father knew that I would see the dates line up in such a way as to give another witness to the order that is in Heaven. As I have searched for answers I felt like pieces of the puzzle have continued to fall into place.

 I am also grateful that even though November 20th is a complicated day, celebrating Sterling's birthday provides distractions to help shift the focus of the day, and the memories of losing Madie.

Yesterday was another anniversary 27 months. For the first time the anniversary felt completely peaceful. I was busy engaged in other things. I saw his hand in answering specific prayers in my morning scripture study. I was asked by the sister missionaries to come to a missionary discussion, which meant rescheduling my evening plans. I almost turned down the invitation but then I felt I should rearrange things and so told the sister missionaries I would come.
 I wasn't expecting to have a mini reunion with Sister Nelson who was on splits, which means she is assigned to another area but was working with Sister Peterson who is serving in our ward, while both of their companions were also working together. 

A picture we took last summer at on of the baptisms.

 Sister Nelson taught three of Madie's friends that were baptized last summer. We were both ecstatic to see each other again.  She shared with me that over and over she has felt Madie's presence in her experiences as a missionary. Just the day before she had thought about me and wished she could see me again.  She even decided she would write me a letter the following Monday on her preparation day. Imagine both of our surprise when I arrived, and she realized that we were going to have another missionary discussion together. With all of the excitement I forgot that it was the 20th.  We visited afterwards and shared some sacred experiences and feelings.

 
This morning I realized that over and over I have been able to witness rewarding experiences of Sister Nelson's mission. I'm sure her mother would love to experience these important events with her daughter but can't because of mission rules.  I saw the similarities because I can't experience Madie's mission and the work she is doing.  At times I get clues and insights into some of what she might be involved with, it's just not as clear as a weekly email would be. 

Perspective often helps when things in life don't seem fair according to what we thought would happen. Often understanding comes in retrospect, or through insights like these.
I am grateful to have a wonderful beginning of the 20's for March. Our anniversary has been nice going to lunch at Peli Peli and also assisting Larry while he installed a new kitchen faucet.

 If you were to ask Larry about our anniversary, he'd say lunch was great, but any plumbing repair he ever does brings many frustrating moments.  Funny how one simple job often brings light to other needed repairs and additional trips to the hardware store.
 Isn't that the way life is?  Fun and exciting events mixed with everyday struggles and frustrations, interspersed with joyous and tragic events.  The trick is to learn how to experience the journey while allowing the changes that will mold us into who we need to become.

Blessings come from waiting on the Lord Gratitude post 35

I listened to this song today and realized how many blessings have come because of not feeling like he was blessing me. In the process of the struggle, going into the valley of bitterness and sorrow, my greatest blessings have come.
I have experienced the blessings of struggling to get up one more time. I am grateful to have had the 1,000 sleepless nights, the healing that has come through more tears then I ever thought were possible for a body to create. This greatest trial of my life, is becoming his mercies in disguise, and for this I am grateful. To have come to recognize how many things I was prideful in and needed humbling and a greater understanding of charity. 

One of the attributes of charity is long suffering. 

 What if the the sweet experiences I have recently had,

 came early after Madie died?  

Would I have understood the beauty of the healing blood of Christ if it had come without the length of the struggle, during the fog of the first two years?  I believe that through the extension of time,  the enduring lessons seem more poignant. 

 I'm grateful to have written about this journey, because I can go back and see that time and time again, he showed me his love.  Even so it was extremely difficult to hold onto the peace he gave. 

The pain was so raw;

 so deep.

As the pain of grieving came back over and over, and the drops of healing came little by little,

 the pain was much bigger then the drops. 

The anguish seemed to always win. 

As  life moved along and other challenges were heaped upon the already existing pain, this was where my greatest trials and eventually healing came. It was here, that showing any amount of faith became exhausting, and grueling. 

 In these moments I gave into the anguish and wondered If he heard my pleas, and if I would ever feel alive again. 

I can say that in the struggle, and the depths of the pain, that I have had the sweetest life changing experiences. I have felt engulfed in a love that defies all description.

 I know who I am; 

a precious daughter of a loving Father in Heaven.

 I have been succored by my Savior Jesus Christ.

 I've been repeatedly humbled, and hope to never take up the banner of pride that I carried so proudly.
 I hope to be his hands, and find others to lift. That is the prayer of my heart. I am grateful for the blessings he has showered upon me, and for his light illuminating my life.

MarShae Morris, "The Diva's Medley", One of my favorite performances of MarShae's!

Look who's 30...

I have contemplated for a long time about doing a blog post for Rachelle on her 30th Birthday.  The task seemed a bit daunting, because I felt like I wouldn't do her justice, but since  I love her and I am incredibly proud of her I decided I would start at the beginning....

On Feb 22, 1995 Larry and I went to see the newly released movie "Amadeus".  It was three hours long and we got home very late. A big storm was coming through much like this year, and my water broke about 2 hours later, (barometric pressure change)

I was soon induced, and by late afternoon Rachelle was born. 

I was beyond elated when I was told she was a girl.  I had longed for sisters, but was surrounded by brothers, and I was sure I finally had a girl that could fill that longed for relationship. 

 From the beginning I dressed her in frilly dresses,

 bows and pink as many pictures will attest. 

 But by the time she was about six I realized she had no desire to be a girly musician.

 I was a bit dense because I religiously curled her hair in sponge rollers every Saturday night for several years. 
 I remember finally having some light bulb moments.






One Sunday she came home from church, wet her hair (combing out all the curls) and put on a hat.

 Piano lessons with her were a disaster!  I finally realized, she was a very different girl then me, and I needed to give up my vision of making a "mini me", and let her emerge and discover who she was.
When Rachelle was five, I signed her up for swim team, and that was when I started understanding she was a girl who focused on goals, and didn't give up till she accomplished what she determined needed to happen. I watched her improve that year, and become an excellent swimmer.  She wanted to win, and win she did!

She talked me into playing soccer next, and the first game I went to, I was shocked to see her bulldoze her way down a field, determined to do all she could to help her team win.

This determination I have witnessed for over 20 years.  She's a leader who steps up and gets things accomplished.

We soon added softball to the mix, and I watched her practice pitching,fielding and batting for a few years. She was part of an all star team when she was 10 and loved playing with a talented group of athletes.
The next sport on her list to try was basketball. Volleyball was added right behind it, and these became her sports during Junior High School. She started on both teams, and loved them both, but had to make a choice as she started High School.  As a freshman she chose basketball, and started on the JV team that year, and the Varsity team  her sophomore year.

  She was amazing to watch!  She practiced shooting for hours and became brilliant at 3 pointers, and free throws.  I loved watching her play.  Shot's repeatedly swished and her energy was contagious to her teammates, she was a leader.

Rachelle also has an incredible work ethic.  She learned how to juggle work or practices with a demanding academic schedule.  She life guarded starting at 15, got a job at a research company doing phone surveys at 16, She learned the art of persuasion, and often was their top producer of the shift, even though she was their youngest employee.





Somehow she always squeezed in some time for fun!

Rachelle was determined to go to BYU, and when she realized she wouldn't be tall enough to play on their women's Basketball team, she quit basketball her senior year to take a promotion to night supervisor at her job, and added Academic Decathlon. 

She was awarded a full tuition Scholarship to BYU plus she received the Jesse Jones Scholarship which gave her s few thousand dollars each year for living expenses.  She mastered the art of setting goals, breaking them down and accomplishing her vision, while she still found time for fun, hanging with friends, playing intramural football, and basketball, on winning teams.

Upon graduating from BYU''s Business School she was offered a position at Godmann Sachs. I remember her telling me that during her interview they said, "You have a really impressive resume for someone just leaving college.  How did you do it?"
She started in the Salt Lake office, then took a new position in the Dallas office after a couple of years, and this past year took another promotion and came home to Houston, which has been a great blessing to our family.

With Rachelle being the second to the oldest, she had lot's of opportunities to learn about caring for children. 

 She is the cool big sister,

the glue in the family always planning trips, and outings with her siblings. 

 She is a mentor to her younger sister's inspiring them to work hard and achieve greatness.  When Madie' was 12 Rachelle took her on a little date, and told her that if she earned her Young Women medallion, got accepted into BYU and graduated in the top 10% of her class, she would take her on a trip to New York. Even though school was difficult for Madie she worked for 7 years, and reached these goals.
  The New York  trip was the first sister trip,

 because MarShae happened to win a National Scholastic competition, which included receiving her award at Carnegie Hall. 

They combined the trips and the three of them had a fabulous time.

Rachelle has always made a point to get to the important events her siblings are involved in,

regardless of what state it may be happening in.

When Madie passed away, Rachelle stepped into the role of leading the family through that most difficult of times, as we spent over a week in the hospital with Taylor, planning a funeral. She was a rock.  The funeral, much because of her vision, was beautiful, and I learned she is rock solid under extreme pressure.
She has done incredible things to help our family rebuild after losing Madie.  She started Rose Runners, and then #sharekindness this past year on the two year anniversary.
I couldn't be prouder of this incredible girl that I was privileged to give birth to 30 years ago.  I can't wait to see where the next 30 years takes you!
Love, Mom