Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Monday, February 23, 2015
Look who's 30...
I have contemplated for a long time about doing a blog post for Rachelle on her 30th Birthday. The task seemed a bit daunting, because I felt like I wouldn't do her justice, but since I love her and I am incredibly proud of her I decided I would start at the beginning....
On Feb 22, 1995 Larry and I went to see the newly released movie "Amadeus". It was three hours long and we got home very late. A big storm was coming through much like this year, and my water broke about 2 hours later, (barometric pressure change)
I was beyond elated when I was told she was a girl. I had longed for sisters, but was surrounded by brothers, and I was sure I finally had a girl that could fill that longed for relationship.
But by the time she was about six I realized she had no desire to be a girly musician.
I was a bit dense because I religiously curled her hair in sponge rollers every Saturday night for several years.
I remember finally having some light bulb moments.
One Sunday she came home from church, wet her hair (combing out all the curls) and put on a hat.
Piano lessons with her were a disaster! I finally realized, she was a very different girl then me, and I needed to give up my vision of making a "mini me", and let her emerge and discover who she was.
When Rachelle was five, I signed her up for swim team, and that was when I started understanding she was a girl who focused on goals, and didn't give up till she accomplished what she determined needed to happen. I watched her improve that year, and become an excellent swimmer. She wanted to win, and win she did!
She talked me into playing soccer next, and the first game I went to, I was shocked to see her bulldoze her way down a field, determined to do all she could to help her team win.
This determination I have witnessed for over 20 years. She's a leader who steps up and gets things accomplished.
We soon added softball to the mix, and I watched her practice pitching,fielding and batting for a few years. She was part of an all star team when she was 10 and loved playing with a talented group of athletes.
The next sport on her list to try was basketball. Volleyball was added right behind it, and these became her sports during Junior High School. She started on both teams, and loved them both, but had to make a choice as she started High School. As a freshman she chose basketball, and started on the JV team that year, and the Varsity team her sophomore year.
She was amazing to watch! She practiced shooting for hours and became brilliant at 3 pointers, and free throws. I loved watching her play. Shot's repeatedly swished and her energy was contagious to her teammates, she was a leader.
Rachelle also has an incredible work ethic. She learned how to juggle work or practices with a demanding academic schedule. She life guarded starting at 15, got a job at a research company doing phone surveys at 16, She learned the art of persuasion, and often was their top producer of the shift, even though she was their youngest employee.
Somehow she always squeezed in some time for fun!
Rachelle was determined to go to BYU, and when she realized she wouldn't be tall enough to play on their women's Basketball team, she quit basketball her senior year to take a promotion to night supervisor at her job, and added Academic Decathlon.
She was awarded a full tuition Scholarship to BYU plus she received the Jesse Jones Scholarship which gave her s few thousand dollars each year for living expenses. She mastered the art of setting goals, breaking them down and accomplishing her vision, while she still found time for fun, hanging with friends, playing intramural football, and basketball, on winning teams.
Upon graduating from BYU''s Business School she was offered a position at Godmann Sachs. I remember her telling me that during her interview they said, "You have a really impressive resume for someone just leaving college. How did you do it?"
She started in the Salt Lake office, then took a new position in the Dallas office after a couple of years, and this past year took another promotion and came home to Houston, which has been a great blessing to our family.
With Rachelle being the second to the oldest, she had lot's of opportunities to learn about caring for children.
the glue in the family always planning trips, and outings with her siblings.
She is a mentor to her younger sister's inspiring them to work hard and achieve greatness. When Madie' was 12 Rachelle took her on a little date, and told her that if she earned her Young Women medallion, got accepted into BYU and graduated in the top 10% of her class, she would take her on a trip to New York. Even though school was difficult for Madie she worked for 7 years, and reached these goals.
The New York trip was the first sister trip,
.jpg)
because MarShae happened to win a National Scholastic competition, which included receiving her award at Carnegie Hall.
They combined the trips and the three of them had a fabulous time.
Rachelle has always made a point to get to the important events her siblings are involved in,
regardless of what state it may be happening in.
When Madie passed away, Rachelle stepped into the role of leading the family through that most difficult of times, as we spent over a week in the hospital with Taylor, planning a funeral. She was a rock. The funeral, much because of her vision, was beautiful, and I learned she is rock solid under extreme pressure.
She has done incredible things to help our family rebuild after losing Madie. She started Rose Runners, and then #sharekindness this past year on the two year anniversary.
I couldn't be prouder of this incredible girl that I was privileged to give birth to 30 years ago. I can't wait to see where the next 30 years takes you!
Love, Mom
On Feb 22, 1995 Larry and I went to see the newly released movie "Amadeus". It was three hours long and we got home very late. A big storm was coming through much like this year, and my water broke about 2 hours later, (barometric pressure change)
I was soon induced, and by late afternoon Rachelle was born.
I was beyond elated when I was told she was a girl. I had longed for sisters, but was surrounded by brothers, and I was sure I finally had a girl that could fill that longed for relationship.
From the beginning I dressed her in frilly dresses,
bows and pink as many pictures will attest.
But by the time she was about six I realized she had no desire to be a girly musician.
I was a bit dense because I religiously curled her hair in sponge rollers every Saturday night for several years.
I remember finally having some light bulb moments.
One Sunday she came home from church, wet her hair (combing out all the curls) and put on a hat.
Piano lessons with her were a disaster! I finally realized, she was a very different girl then me, and I needed to give up my vision of making a "mini me", and let her emerge and discover who she was.
When Rachelle was five, I signed her up for swim team, and that was when I started understanding she was a girl who focused on goals, and didn't give up till she accomplished what she determined needed to happen. I watched her improve that year, and become an excellent swimmer. She wanted to win, and win she did!
She talked me into playing soccer next, and the first game I went to, I was shocked to see her bulldoze her way down a field, determined to do all she could to help her team win.
We soon added softball to the mix, and I watched her practice pitching,fielding and batting for a few years. She was part of an all star team when she was 10 and loved playing with a talented group of athletes.
The next sport on her list to try was basketball. Volleyball was added right behind it, and these became her sports during Junior High School. She started on both teams, and loved them both, but had to make a choice as she started High School. As a freshman she chose basketball, and started on the JV team that year, and the Varsity team her sophomore year.
She was amazing to watch! She practiced shooting for hours and became brilliant at 3 pointers, and free throws. I loved watching her play. Shot's repeatedly swished and her energy was contagious to her teammates, she was a leader.
Rachelle also has an incredible work ethic. She learned how to juggle work or practices with a demanding academic schedule. She life guarded starting at 15, got a job at a research company doing phone surveys at 16, She learned the art of persuasion, and often was their top producer of the shift, even though she was their youngest employee.
Somehow she always squeezed in some time for fun!
She was awarded a full tuition Scholarship to BYU plus she received the Jesse Jones Scholarship which gave her s few thousand dollars each year for living expenses. She mastered the art of setting goals, breaking them down and accomplishing her vision, while she still found time for fun, hanging with friends, playing intramural football, and basketball, on winning teams.
Upon graduating from BYU''s Business School she was offered a position at Godmann Sachs. I remember her telling me that during her interview they said, "You have a really impressive resume for someone just leaving college. How did you do it?"
She started in the Salt Lake office, then took a new position in the Dallas office after a couple of years, and this past year took another promotion and came home to Houston, which has been a great blessing to our family.
With Rachelle being the second to the oldest, she had lot's of opportunities to learn about caring for children.
She is the cool big sister,
She is a mentor to her younger sister's inspiring them to work hard and achieve greatness. When Madie' was 12 Rachelle took her on a little date, and told her that if she earned her Young Women medallion, got accepted into BYU and graduated in the top 10% of her class, she would take her on a trip to New York. Even though school was difficult for Madie she worked for 7 years, and reached these goals.
The New York trip was the first sister trip,
because MarShae happened to win a National Scholastic competition, which included receiving her award at Carnegie Hall.
They combined the trips and the three of them had a fabulous time.
Rachelle has always made a point to get to the important events her siblings are involved in,
When Madie passed away, Rachelle stepped into the role of leading the family through that most difficult of times, as we spent over a week in the hospital with Taylor, planning a funeral. She was a rock. The funeral, much because of her vision, was beautiful, and I learned she is rock solid under extreme pressure.
She has done incredible things to help our family rebuild after losing Madie. She started Rose Runners, and then #sharekindness this past year on the two year anniversary.
I couldn't be prouder of this incredible girl that I was privileged to give birth to 30 years ago. I can't wait to see where the next 30 years takes you!
Love, Mom
Thursday, February 19, 2015
The power of Gratitude
Gratitude post day 15: The power of gratitude.
When I started this exercise 15 days ago, it was because my thoughts had become consumed with anger, bitterness, rejection and loneliness. I was also still recovering from a 3 week bout with flu that turned into pneumonia and a sinus infection (with some cracked ribs) , so I was physically spent as well.
Some history...
My cat died unexpectedly right before the two year anniversary of Madie's death, and I was also trying to accept that MarShae would soon be gone to BYU. I found myself questioning God's love for me.
Didn't he know I had all I could handle?
More loss felt cruel, and that didn't fit the loving image I had for my Heavenly Father. Still I fought back by immersing myself in my girls lives, which involved most of their free time at Les Miserables rehearsals. It is such a beautiful story but it also carried heavy burdens for me surrounding Madie's death. I pushed down those feelings and focused on helping with the production. At times I would come home and cry myself to sleep. For a couple of months I hid the grief this show carried for me. But as it got closer to opening and the hours of sewing got longer (several 10-12 hour days), the grief turned to sickness, really sick.
Opening weekend, I attended the shows, loving moments that were so tender.
I had also planned for six months to fly to Utah between the two weekends both shows were running, to see Taylor in his performance of The Count of Monte Cristo,
which was running the same two weekends. He had a Tuesday and Wednesday show I had tickets for.
As the flight approached, I realized I was too sick to go. This drove the heartache deeper, because I was so disappointed to miss his last show at BYU. I eventually found peace after a priesthood blessing about staying home.
Even so, during the second weekend of Les Miserables there were some really sweet moments that happened.
One night as I watched MarShae playing Fantine, at the end of the show, looking angelic, she is gazing down on Val Jean and Cosette lovingly.
One night as I watched MarShae playing Fantine, at the end of the show, looking angelic, she is gazing down on Val Jean and Cosette lovingly.
I felt this overwhelming presence that Madie and my mom are often times looking down on me, very aware of my human struggles. The tears flowed freely as I felt loved.
Also we had family that came into town and I experienced treasured moments as we watched this incredible production together.
I was so proud of MarShae and Marielle, for their commitment to giving their very best to their characters.
Throughout my life I have used "creating" to pull me out of difficult or grieving situations. I also knew my time working on shows with MarShae was over. I felt lost and without purpose.
It was at this point, in desperate prayer I sought guidance to pull myself out of this hole I had slowly fallen into. In my anguish the thought came "you were writing gratitude posts when Madie died and continued sharing them for some time after she died. This saved you emotionally during that time period. You need to do this again, and you need to share it publicly, because that is what works best for you." As I have thought about this I realize for me I spend more time pondering on what I'm grateful for when I share it publicly.
I decided to do it and committed in my heart to at least 30 days. Surprisingly within a week I found that my thoughts were focused more on looking for what I was grateful for so I would have something meaningful to write about the next day. A few days later I was struggling to decide what I should share because I had several to choose between. I realized the bitterness, loneliness and feelings of despair had diminished immensely, replaced with peace and happy moments. I am still in awe of the shift, because it's been so profound for me personally. I found this quote yesterday, which inspired my writing about gratitude today.
"It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding."
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Gratitude post day 13: Mentors, the power of influence
As I was cleaning up from our family Valentine's Day, I was pondering on what I would write about. Mopping the floor with remnants from my grandchildren's cookie making, cleaning smudges from glass doors and toys needing reorganization, I felt this incredible gratitude for the mentors in my life.
I thought of my first mentor my mother, (maybe it was the cleaning) whose influence has blessed me in ways I continue to discover. She had this neverending ability to believe in me and tell me I was amazing.
Looking back, I realize that a four year old isn't very amazing at anything, but she convinced me that I was an artist, a clothing designer and that music had come with me from heaven. She told me stories of me joyfully singing as I pretended to wash dishes before I could talk. (I'm sure I made a complete mess)
Music and a little dance...
As I grew she budgeted for many years of private instruction
 |
| (about 7 years old) |
 |
| (Singing "Anything you can do I can do better" with my brother Jeff) |
 |
| Dance Recital around 10 |
These provided ongoing opportunities to perform. We never had a lot of money, but she taught me to work hard, and never give up.
Competing...
She would listen to me practice for hours, offering encouraging words when I was discouraged. For twelve years I competed annually in AFNA (Accordion Federation of North America) finally winning top categories including "Queen" which was open to girls 15-20 years old. There were usually around 50 girls entered, and each was required to play the same selection.
At my first competition, for whatever reason, my 8 year old little girl decided someday I would win this. I was now 20, in college and wanted to give up. I had come very close the previous two years, too much work, and afraid of never reaching the goal. My mother encouraged me to let go of my pride and try again. I have drawn on this experience over and over in my adult life.
Painting...
My mother also encouraged me as an artist and purchased different types of paints for me to experiment with including the classic paint by number. I was fortunate to have a 2nd & 3rd grade teacher that mentored my painting skills. For whatever reason, my mother allowed me to paint in my room, which resulted in me spilling paints and ruining things. Regardless she helped me clean it up and continued to let me paint.
Sewing...
I remember her giving me fabric, and letting me design an outfit when I was about 5 without a pattern. I wish I had a picture of what I made. I remember wearing it proudly, but thinking back it must have looked ridiculous although I was oblivious. She eventually taught me to sew correctly something I personally hated. Even so she found ways to work sewing into life. At the time I despised everything about it. She was a seamstress; I wanted to create. In my mind most of my time I spent unpicking and upset that we couldn't just buy me a new dress. "That's what other families do, by the way". (Yes, I got snotty with her) ugh.
I was difficult, or obnoxious whenever we were sewing together. Even with the struggles, she was relentless, and I eventually became a proficient seamstress.
(yes this happened)
 |
| Christmas gifts, and sewing fun |
Self Reliance...
Another thing my mother taught me was the joy of a clean and organized home. I didn't like how she accomplished it, but none the less I learned that I was happier in order and cleanliness. She taught me through years of patience to cook everything from scratch. We ground whole grains into flour and made bread. pancakes, cookies etc. With four brothers, and a tight budget she knew how to feed a hungry crew cheaply. We grew a garden, harvested, canned and preserved it. My father hunted elk and moose that we ate many years. I learned how to be self reliant, which became a way of life, during many lean years of our early marriage.
Was she a perfect mom?
No, she made mistakes; lots of them.
But,
as I pondered over this past weekend, the wonderful family moments,the sounds of beautiful music, and happy grandchildren who learned they could do new skills,
(cookie making first for Peter).
I thought how differently my life would be without my mother's influence and belief in me.
So much joy fills my life because of her tenacity to not give up on me, to believe in me and to not let me give up on myself. Quitting was never an option, and that has helped me pick myself up time and time again, and start over.
Thanks Mom,you were right, I hope you are aware of how your influence is impacting future generations.
 |
| How I would love to have a chat with you! |
Friday, January 9, 2015
Taylor and Bailee share about drowsy driving on KSL news and with Zero Fatalities
I wanted to archive both of these videos because it is important for all of us to realize how easily this happens even when you put all the safeguards in place that you "think" will keep you safe.
http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=33022868#VyTV7DFOtv3jZ4gR.01
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTb0hCt9FEI&feature=youtu.be
http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=33022868#VyTV7DFOtv3jZ4gR.01
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTb0hCt9FEI&feature=youtu.be
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Happy Thanksgiving-- Share kindness, KSL.com article
My Daughter Rachelle spearheaded the campaign through instagram, and we have used social media to promote it. I have received personal messages from friends of ways they were sharing kindness, and it has lifted my spirits to see the effects of Madeline's life reaching out to impact people even two years after her death.
Unexpectedly Rachelle was contacted last Friday by KSL.com to do a story about her #sharekindness campaign.
I was very surprised to get a message from Rachelle telling me Tuesday morning,(two days before Thanksgiving) to go to KSL.com. The accident happened two years ago, early in the morning of the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I love the coincidence
Click below to read the full story.
I was very surprised to get a message from Rachelle telling me Tuesday morning,(two days before Thanksgiving) to go to KSL.com. The accident happened two years ago, early in the morning of the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I love the coincidence
Click below to read the full story.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Two years..Time warp
Time is a ridiculously tricky thing. Our minds can be in the present moment and then with a thought, smell or picture, we are back in a place in time and it feels like it just happened. So it is today as I remember two years ago with clarity.
Nov 20,2012
I received a text from Taylor announcing his engagement to Bailee at about 1:30 a.m. I was struggling with falling asleep, and when the text came in I was beyond excited, so I got on facebook to look at pictures they had posted. Finally I settled down and went to sleep around 2 a.m., but oddly woke up just after 7 a.m. central time, feeling very unsettled, and frustrated at my lack of sleep. My husband who was sleeping in another room, also woke up about that time. Both without alarms, and yet hours later I found out it was soon after Madie had died, since the accident happened around 6 am in Utah. I have thought that she somehow was able to arouse both of us.
I had a room I was in the middle of painting, but never got to it that morning. Instead I taught a piano student, put a gratitude post and birthday posts on Facebook ( including one to my son Sterling), and then just sat at the table talking to MarShae. I have often thought back about that time chatting with her, the last normal conversation I would have, ever.
I can say that because nothing has been normal since Madie died. Everything instantly changed for me, and even though I am working to find what my new normal looks like, I still grasp at straws because it's so foreign to me. Losing a child isn't something that you really get over. I believe with time I will learn how to live with it, but I will never be the same again. I'm fragile because I immediately realized I'm not protected from tragic events, it left me feeling vulnerable in my deepest of places.
As a mother from the earliest moments I discovered I was expecting, I shifted my life to nurture, protect and care for the child I was carrying. Losing four pregnancies, gave me my first experiences with grieving over a child that didn't live to experience all the hopes and dreams I had for that child. Losing Madie, was not only losing all the hopes and dreams of who she would become, but it was also losing the fact that I could protect a child from the ultimate parental nightmare, losing them.
I feel like part of me went with her. Every mother knows that each of her children gets a part of her physical body, but I believe we also give a part of our soul to each child as we give up part of who we are to make room for helping them grow and thrive.
Over the past few days, I have seen several "Madie Hello's" that were too uncanny to ignore. It has given me some peace, to realize comfort is coming in ways I couldn't have orchestrated. One was the new disney trailer for Cinderella. This was one of Madie's favorite Disney films growing up. One Christmas morning her older siblings played this movie on full volume just to get her out of bed so they could start opening presents. The trailer had Madieism's all over it. Maybe watching it over and over as a child instilled in her kindness, which was a sweet theme in it..
Watch here if you haven't seen it
Another was a new Mormon messages video that shocked me at the end.
Watch here to see why
Still another was Mitt Romney speaking at BYU on Nov 18th.
I was a big supporter of his campaign and remember with clarity just two weeks before Madie died the discouragement I felt at him losing the election. Unexpectedly our family received an email from his phone, shortly after Madie died offering his condolences. I marveled that in his own moments of discouragement he reached out to us.
Another happened on the night of the 20th. After the family dinner celebrating Sterling's birthday, we were watching "Edge of Tomorrow" and I fell asleep early in the movie holding a kitten, we were calling "Rose" that had just come to our home that afternoon, (more about the kittens later). I happened to wake up right when Emily Blunt was dying in Tom Cruise's arms and said, "My middle name is Rose"
I thought, "Are you kidding me? I woke up for that line?" I knew in my heart it was to let me know that it is real. "Madie Hellos" aren't me just looking for anything that would remind me of her. No, all of these happened in a matter of days, and bolstered my courage and confidence when I had been drowning in doubt.
A Scripture that has carried me for years as I tried to do unsurmountable things is
Always in time the windows of hope opened to me..
Call me crazy, but I have witnessed them and know, we have help from above, and that is the greatest blessing of losing Madie, knowledge that no matter how many times I falter, that "hope" is available and eventually rises again. I know we aren't alone as we walk our mortal journeys. I know Christ and departed loved ones are aware. I know that the spirit prompts others to reach out, or to be kind at just the right moment. I know that a butterfly or rainbow will appear out of nowhere, and dance around me. That texts, messages, phone calls, and "kittens" will come in the most needed of hours. And for all of these things, I am grateful, and learning that I can do this. The mountain that was dumped upon me is being lifted one rock at a time, by angels here and from above.
Some additional things I want to remember.
Passion has been hard to find. Projects involving my other children seem to be the best for passing time, and enjoying life. But when they are finished, I find myself alone with my thoughts, and that can be difficult. I have learned to divert my thoughts, and look for things to do, but for the most part, there is a lot of time to process the various changes that my life is adjusting to. After years of struggling to find time for myself, I have come to know the opposite, time...
Empty nester is lurking around the corner, and with having such a large family, things have definitely gotten a lot quieter around our house, which gives me other aspects to process while I am trying to figure out the loss part. What does life look like for me after spending my adult life raising children as my main focus.
Two years--
I now enter new uncharted territory, not like the past two years has been charted, but twice I have gone two years without seeing sons of mine while they were serving missions, and something about hitting the two year mark has really messed with my brain. I remember counting down the months till my sons would return. Their homecoming's were the best of life's experiences. Even though I have known from the beginning she wouldn't be returning, I now am struggling with the longing that never is satisfied.
Kindness--
I will always remember the kindnesses and concern that we have been shown. I have learned, that tragedy brings out the best in people. I will forever be grateful!
I have fought my way through the past two years, and have found that even though people tell me I am doing better, I think it's mostly I have gotten better at handling it, and controlling the grief. I read several blog posts from last year around the one year mark, and I thought, "These sound like you are describing so many things that you have been feeling". It was a bit discouraging, but for those who have lost children, a common thing that I have heard, is that it takes years to feel like you have a handle on life and aren't going crazy on the inside. I am grateful to those who have reached out and shared some of their experiences. it has helped me feel normal in my dysfunctional state, the normal that I have been trying to establish.
Last of all--
Dear Madie,
You have changed more lives then you could have ever expected to do. When I think of the people who have been changed for the good, it makes me proud of the life you lived. I love you, I miss you, and can't wait to hug you again. Keep sending me hello's, it is what keeps me here living the life I am destined to finish.
Two years, seems like a lifetime, and yet a blink of the eye. I hope it is what it feels like when we are finally reunited, but until then, I have come to know that it's a complicated road to walk, one I wish I didn't understand.
Mom
Nov 20,2012
I received a text from Taylor announcing his engagement to Bailee at about 1:30 a.m. I was struggling with falling asleep, and when the text came in I was beyond excited, so I got on facebook to look at pictures they had posted. Finally I settled down and went to sleep around 2 a.m., but oddly woke up just after 7 a.m. central time, feeling very unsettled, and frustrated at my lack of sleep. My husband who was sleeping in another room, also woke up about that time. Both without alarms, and yet hours later I found out it was soon after Madie had died, since the accident happened around 6 am in Utah. I have thought that she somehow was able to arouse both of us.
I had a room I was in the middle of painting, but never got to it that morning. Instead I taught a piano student, put a gratitude post and birthday posts on Facebook ( including one to my son Sterling), and then just sat at the table talking to MarShae. I have often thought back about that time chatting with her, the last normal conversation I would have, ever.
I can say that because nothing has been normal since Madie died. Everything instantly changed for me, and even though I am working to find what my new normal looks like, I still grasp at straws because it's so foreign to me. Losing a child isn't something that you really get over. I believe with time I will learn how to live with it, but I will never be the same again. I'm fragile because I immediately realized I'm not protected from tragic events, it left me feeling vulnerable in my deepest of places.
As a mother from the earliest moments I discovered I was expecting, I shifted my life to nurture, protect and care for the child I was carrying. Losing four pregnancies, gave me my first experiences with grieving over a child that didn't live to experience all the hopes and dreams I had for that child. Losing Madie, was not only losing all the hopes and dreams of who she would become, but it was also losing the fact that I could protect a child from the ultimate parental nightmare, losing them.
I feel like part of me went with her. Every mother knows that each of her children gets a part of her physical body, but I believe we also give a part of our soul to each child as we give up part of who we are to make room for helping them grow and thrive.
Early on in my writing I wrote about feeling like I was bipolar. I have come to understand that it is a very good description for life after a mother loses a child. The mood swings are vast, and it gets very exhausting, and yet I feel anything else is not honoring what is really going on inside of me, and putting myself on a stage to be what I and others believe grief should look like.
It's complicated.
I can be doing great, and then I am not. Never knowing what might take me to a place that is difficult. Sometimes it is other life events or changes that amplify the lose. Losing our pet cat, Kuzo very unexpectedly earlier this month would be an example of that. it opened up grief, that I assumed I was finished with.
Over the past few days, I have seen several "Madie Hello's" that were too uncanny to ignore. It has given me some peace, to realize comfort is coming in ways I couldn't have orchestrated. One was the new disney trailer for Cinderella. This was one of Madie's favorite Disney films growing up. One Christmas morning her older siblings played this movie on full volume just to get her out of bed so they could start opening presents. The trailer had Madieism's all over it. Maybe watching it over and over as a child instilled in her kindness, which was a sweet theme in it..
Watch here if you haven't seen it
Another was a new Mormon messages video that shocked me at the end.
Watch here to see why
Still another was Mitt Romney speaking at BYU on Nov 18th.
I was a big supporter of his campaign and remember with clarity just two weeks before Madie died the discouragement I felt at him losing the election. Unexpectedly our family received an email from his phone, shortly after Madie died offering his condolences. I marveled that in his own moments of discouragement he reached out to us.
Another happened on the night of the 20th. After the family dinner celebrating Sterling's birthday, we were watching "Edge of Tomorrow" and I fell asleep early in the movie holding a kitten, we were calling "Rose" that had just come to our home that afternoon, (more about the kittens later). I happened to wake up right when Emily Blunt was dying in Tom Cruise's arms and said, "My middle name is Rose"
I thought, "Are you kidding me? I woke up for that line?" I knew in my heart it was to let me know that it is real. "Madie Hellos" aren't me just looking for anything that would remind me of her. No, all of these happened in a matter of days, and bolstered my courage and confidence when I had been drowning in doubt.
A Scripture that has carried me for years as I tried to do unsurmountable things is
"I can do all things through Christ, who strengtheneth me"
Philippians (:13.
I have come to believe that we do have things that happen that are by their very nature, things that can destroy us. They are bigger then us. They take us to dark places that we didn't know we could ever live through. It's not a one time occurrence either. Rather a repeated situation of sorrow or discouragement that is impossible to explain. It's only through reaching for help from above that we are able to survive.
In these moments, sometimes all I could do was think,
" please help"
"I can't do this"
"It's killing everything inside of me"
Always in time the windows of hope opened to me..
Call me crazy, but I have witnessed them and know, we have help from above, and that is the greatest blessing of losing Madie, knowledge that no matter how many times I falter, that "hope" is available and eventually rises again. I know we aren't alone as we walk our mortal journeys. I know Christ and departed loved ones are aware. I know that the spirit prompts others to reach out, or to be kind at just the right moment. I know that a butterfly or rainbow will appear out of nowhere, and dance around me. That texts, messages, phone calls, and "kittens" will come in the most needed of hours. And for all of these things, I am grateful, and learning that I can do this. The mountain that was dumped upon me is being lifted one rock at a time, by angels here and from above.
And since I mentioned"Kittens", I want to share the miracle of them being brought into my life early in the afternoon of the anniversary, Nov. 20th.
Marielle didn't want to go to school that day so we went to the temple that morning. Even though it was a good thing to do, there was a heavy energy in the car as Larry, Marielle and I drove to the temple and also as we left. It felt like a good thing to do, but every little while my eyes would fill with tears, and I wished it would feel easier. I then asked Marielle if she wanted to go look at some kittens that I had heard were at a veterinary hospital and were up for adoption. She was super excited so the two of us went, but they didn't have the kittens even to look at so it felt like a dead end.
I was visiting with a receptionist who told me this isn't the time of year that kittens were available, something I had no idea about. Then the Veterinary walked in and I instantly recognized him from over a decade earlier. He didn't know who I was but I told him I was Sterling Morris' mom, and he instantly remembered. His son had played soccer with Sterling for several years. As we were exchanging what our sons were doing, I meantioned that it was Sterling's birthday and the anniversary of one of the little girls who used to be on the sidelines at the games accidental death. I had already told him we had put our cat to sleep two weeks earlier, and with the added events of the day, and it's significance, he said to his receptionists, "we need to find them a kitten". "Call Donna and see if she has any kittens by chance". Well Donna did and soon we were on our way to her house. She rescues cats, and then they are placed for adoption through Petco. We told her we wanted a girl which she had two, and when we saw them I instantly was drawn to a little white one with pink ears and tail.
Marielle didn't want to go to school that day so we went to the temple that morning. Even though it was a good thing to do, there was a heavy energy in the car as Larry, Marielle and I drove to the temple and also as we left. It felt like a good thing to do, but every little while my eyes would fill with tears, and I wished it would feel easier. I then asked Marielle if she wanted to go look at some kittens that I had heard were at a veterinary hospital and were up for adoption. She was super excited so the two of us went, but they didn't have the kittens even to look at so it felt like a dead end.
I was visiting with a receptionist who told me this isn't the time of year that kittens were available, something I had no idea about. Then the Veterinary walked in and I instantly recognized him from over a decade earlier. He didn't know who I was but I told him I was Sterling Morris' mom, and he instantly remembered. His son had played soccer with Sterling for several years. As we were exchanging what our sons were doing, I meantioned that it was Sterling's birthday and the anniversary of one of the little girls who used to be on the sidelines at the games accidental death. I had already told him we had put our cat to sleep two weeks earlier, and with the added events of the day, and it's significance, he said to his receptionists, "we need to find them a kitten". "Call Donna and see if she has any kittens by chance". Well Donna did and soon we were on our way to her house. She rescues cats, and then they are placed for adoption through Petco. We told her we wanted a girl which she had two, and when we saw them I instantly was drawn to a little white one with pink ears and tail.
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| Introducing "Rose" |
It reminded me of Madie's rose bush and I thought here's our kitten if she's nice. Donna told me that she is shy, and the runt, but after watching and holding her and asking Marielle if she felt good about her, I told Donna we wanted to take her. She instantly responded, "they can't be adopted till after they are fixed on Dec 1st". (which happens to be the two year anniversary of Madie's funeral)
I then told her why we were hoping to adopt one that day, because it would give us something happy to remember about the two year anniversary. She said, well she can't go alone, because she's really shy and has been kind of fragile. She said if you will take the sister,
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| Rose's sister we are calling "Bella" |
then I will let you take them but only if we promised to bring them back to be spade on the 1st. We readily agreed and I realized it would give us a chance to see if they liked us and were social. Soon we were off with our happiness fix. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted to have these little tiny kittens to care for and love. We had a few issues with them which meant going back to get some medicine for them, but they have adjusted to humans very well, because they hadn't been acclimated yet. The rest of the day felt so happy, and I realized maybe Zuko had served his purpose and I needed sisters to adopt, two of them, and coincidentally take them on the two year anniversary. Everything to give me something to take care of, I was finally back in a happy zone.
That's one last thing to explain, for any who might still be reading. When dealing with a very difficult loss it's easy to have any number of things on any given day be like a slide into grief and dispair. It's a constant battle, but I never know when something will trigger tears. It happens everywhere, and it's completely unpredictable. I never know if it will be for a few moments, hours, days, weeks, or even sometimes months that the battle is going on. This fall has been a loaded dice for me in regards to this, but I have wanted to not really be public about it because I want to be happy. So I am always looking and searching for something to literally cling to that will pull me up for an unknown amount of time, and give me some joy. It is something that when it comes I cling to it as long as it carries me. Then the slide again. Sometimes the happiness makes it to where the slide is really small and I recover quickly. Sometimes it is just one after another where it's hard to find solid footing. The kittens have been a big one. I told Larry I felt like they would carry me through at least the anniversary of the accident, Thanksgiving and the funeral. I am hoping for Christmas and beyond, but will take whatever it gives me.
Some additional things I want to remember.
Some of the day to day challenges--
Passion has been hard to find. Projects involving my other children seem to be the best for passing time, and enjoying life. But when they are finished, I find myself alone with my thoughts, and that can be difficult. I have learned to divert my thoughts, and look for things to do, but for the most part, there is a lot of time to process the various changes that my life is adjusting to. After years of struggling to find time for myself, I have come to know the opposite, time...
Empty nester is lurking around the corner, and with having such a large family, things have definitely gotten a lot quieter around our house, which gives me other aspects to process while I am trying to figure out the loss part. What does life look like for me after spending my adult life raising children as my main focus.
Two years--
I now enter new uncharted territory, not like the past two years has been charted, but twice I have gone two years without seeing sons of mine while they were serving missions, and something about hitting the two year mark has really messed with my brain. I remember counting down the months till my sons would return. Their homecoming's were the best of life's experiences. Even though I have known from the beginning she wouldn't be returning, I now am struggling with the longing that never is satisfied.
Kindness--
I will always remember the kindnesses and concern that we have been shown. I have learned, that tragedy brings out the best in people. I will forever be grateful!
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| Roses always remind me of Madeline Rose |
I have fought my way through the past two years, and have found that even though people tell me I am doing better, I think it's mostly I have gotten better at handling it, and controlling the grief. I read several blog posts from last year around the one year mark, and I thought, "These sound like you are describing so many things that you have been feeling". It was a bit discouraging, but for those who have lost children, a common thing that I have heard, is that it takes years to feel like you have a handle on life and aren't going crazy on the inside. I am grateful to those who have reached out and shared some of their experiences. it has helped me feel normal in my dysfunctional state, the normal that I have been trying to establish.
Dear Madie,
Two years, seems like a lifetime, and yet a blink of the eye. I hope it is what it feels like when we are finally reunited, but until then, I have come to know that it's a complicated road to walk, one I wish I didn't understand.
Mom
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