Meet my daughter Rachelle...( Madie has got to be so proud of her)

This Just Got Personal…

Published by Rachelle Morris on June 6, 2013 | Leave a response

Over the past few weeks I have been pondering about the content that should be shared on our website during the first year of RoseRunners’s existence, and even though there have been times in which I have resisted the idea of having a personal blog co-mingled with the RoseRunners website, I have come to realize that sharing my story (and having others share their stories) will help with the overall mission of RoseRunners, which is to help individuals and families who are coping with traumatic grief (and really, grief in general).

I don’t know if I will be as much of an open book as my mother is on her blog (I am so proud of her for putting it together and for writing so freely about her ups and downs with grief), but I promise to be sincere and honest about my journey through grieving the loss of my sister, for whom this organization is named after, how running has become a significant outlet for my grief, and how I want to help others who are burdened with the difficulties of grief.

Last night I chose to run the exact route I ran the morning ofThe Accident, which is a route I have typically avoided during the past six months. However, last night I wanted to retrace the steps and think about that morning…

I can recall that morning like it was yesterday. I was supposed to have worked out the night before (training for a half marathon), but I was so exhausted that I decided to instead just go running in the morning – I remember I even told my roommate that I HAD to run the next morning, and I laid out my running clothes so that I could roll out of bed, change, and get out the door (those who know me know I am NOT a morning person; those who don’t, well, now you do). I woke up to text messages from both Taylor and Madie about the fact that Taylor had proposed to Bailee the night before and how they were headed to Arizona for Thanksgiving.

Texts Between Taylor and Me:

T: “Bailee and I are engaged!”

R: “Yay!!!”

T: “we are in kanab on the way to arizona!”

R: “Haha it’s 5 am in Utah… Are you going to be up in an hour?”

T: “yeah we are driving to phoenix”

I then proceeded to go on my run, and I cramped up a mile into my run. I had to sit down for a couple minutes on a bench, and I had the passing thought to throw in the towel on the pathetic run and call Taylor to hear about the proposal. But I didn’t. I did what was standard behavior for me – I told myself I wasn’t allowed to quit, that I needed to finish the run, and so I did. I was in pain, I was loathing every second of it, but I managed to run the rest of the way home, and so I remember while I was walking through the door of my apartment I was quite proud of myself for not “giving up”.

I was anxious to hear the proposal story, but I decided to shower prior to calling (so that my hair could dry and I wouldn’t be late to work). I hurriedly cleaned myself, jumped out of the shower, and with my hands still wet, I called Taylor.

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring………………………… Voicemail.

I left him an excited message but remember thinking, “Taylor, why are you not picking up my call??? Who on earth are you talking to at 6:15 am in Utah???” I didn’t even call Madie’s phone because I assumed he was on the phone with someone else or that they were at a pit stop somewhere. I know I certainly did not think for one moment that something terribly devastating could have happened.

**Never again will that thought NOT pass through my mind.**

I threw on a dress, spent two minutes oscillating between heels and flats (opted for flats), ran out the door, and got inundated with work, as well as texting with my brother Sterling to wish him a happy birthday. The morning flew by. At 11:22 am, I had enough of a lapse of work to realize Taylor had never called me back, and so I thought that maybe the voicemail notification never went through because he had been driving through a remote area of Utah that morning.

R: “hey did you get my message?”

A client immediately called me, so I got distracted with work again. Twenty minutes later, my mom called my cell phone (I was busy working on something so I did not pick up, especially because I assumed she was simply calling about the exciting news of the engagement), but then instead of leaving a voicemail, she texted me, “CALL ME ASAP!”

I was still assuming that she wanted to talk about the engagement, but respecting my mother, I did as I was told and immediately called her from my work phone. I didn’t even bother to walk into a conference room and call from my cell.

That phone call was the worst phone call of my life. I hope no phone call ever takes its place.

Mom: “Uhhh Rachelle you are going to want to take the rest of the day off from work… (voice turning more emotional) Taylor and Madie were in a car accident. (voice reaching hysterics) Madie is dead… and Taylor is being life-flighted to Las Vegas.”

**I know exactly what my first words were out of my mouth, but I will keep this post PG-rated.**

Before I knew it, I was hanging up the phone, my hands were cupping my face as my body was entering a state of shock, and I made eye contact with my colleague next to me. I will never forget the look on his face as he waited for me to share what he only knew could be the worst kind of news.

“My sister is dead.”

Last Pic with Madie, Oct 2012

… I thought about all of these moments during my run last night. I used to try to figure out at what point of my run or shower did the accident happen, and if maybe, just maybe, I had dropped the ball in a serious way because I had missed God prompting me to call Taylor prior to the accident. Nevertheless, I have realized that it really does not matter because I cannot rewrite history. I cannot bring Madie back, nor can I give Taylor the back and neck he used to have. I can only move forward, one step at a time, one run at a time.

And so I will.

And whether or not you are also grieving, or you know someone who is grieving, or you just need an outlet for your own difficulties in life, I hope you join me.

Running is so much more than just a sport.

Rachelle

Wandering

As I have navigated through the past six months I find a sense of wandering in and out of different things, events, experiences.  I know from my past journeys through grief that I must keep going, looking for something to keep me upright.   I think it's similar to being in a maze, looking for a way out, trying lots of different routes only to find another dead end or stopping point for awhile..
 May became a month to endure with a few scattered bright spots, but so much tension because of not knowing how so many different events would effect me.  I  believe "the firsts" are tricky  because there is an underlying nervousness about what it will feel like to go through each event without Madie.  I have often been sideswiped with unexpected emotions when I thought something wouldn't be that hard.
  As I reflected on all of the firsts that have happened, I have discovered a pattern for me.  The days leading up to the event have been much worse than the actual day, with the exception of Madie's birthday.  That whole weekend was privately excruciating.  Partly because I held so many mixed emotions inside for the benefit of my children,  partly because I didn't know how to celebrate her birth with her now gone..  I found myself wanting to either cry hysterically or scream much of the weekend.  I have an idea of what hell feels like, and I bottled it up nicely over her birthday weekend.
  To be in June is a bit of a relief, and even though my birthday comes right after a" BIG" month of events, this birthday was nice. 

Marielle and MarShae sang Happy birthday at midnight baring a wonderful gift from Rachelle 

 I think because I didn't have expectations, and just wanted to get another "first" over with, I was pleasantly surprised.

 So much love was shown to me that wasn't expected that I felt renewed, and hopeful that maybe a new corner was in sight. 
 MarShae's Surprise video for my birthday..How could I not feel grateful with so many tender & thoughtful expressions of love.

 I chatted with a special friend last night who lost her daughter 16 years ago, and she told me that during the first year you are living in a state of  anxiety leading up to each new thing.  I replied  "well that explains my entire month of May, and actually the past six months!"  I continue to hope that the worst is behind me, but I have learned not to get too comfortable in the good moments.  It is easier to just accept the roller coaster ride than to find myself resisting or shocked when I am pulverized again.  My experience has taught me that grief is long, hard and ugly, but also refining...

 It's helpful recalling the early moments after I received news of the accident.  I was hysterically crying and then was handed a phone that Taylor was on.   A peace came over me, and I found myself saying words that weren't mine.  He didn't know that Madie had died and through barely a whisper, insisted  that I tell him what had happened to her.  I wanted to shelter him.. protect him.  He would be going in for surgery soon, but he was adamant.  Somehow I told him Madie was gone, and he started crying saying it was all his fault.  I remember stating  "she could have been saved, walked away, if that was the Lord's plan, and I didn't want to  hear him say that again".  The words calmly coming out of my  mouth.  They were from a higher source.  I had been hysterically crying moments before. The contrast was stark. I still recall with clarity how odd it was to go from one extreme to the other and know exactly what to say.  It was mothering at it's finest,  something beyond my capacity.

 I have repeatedly felt that Heaven is near.  I have had many remarkable, extraordinary occurrences that testify of the love of my Heavenly Father, and his son Jesus Christ.  I have never heard so clearly the spirit's voice,  or seen my despair answered by another, who felt prompted to call, text, drop by, send a message at the most needed of times.  I've found as time has past, it is important for me to recall these experiences.  As the reality of physically being without Madie has become more and more real, my faith has suffered,  my heart has ached, the passage of time has been brutal.. 

It has taken time and resilient searching, to see that this was the Lord's plan. I'm a bit stubborn and have needed witnesses repeatedly to help me not give up and just crawl in a hole and shrink.  The evidences have come in so many different ways and places, often finding a new one when my faith has faltered, again.  I have seen rainbows, that only Madie would know would be a significant  message to me.
This street sign at the hospital in Las Vegas.

I thought I was hallucinating when I looked up and saw this.

 Unexpected white flowers, 

unexplainable notes in Madie's journals. 
                     A beautiful sunset the night Madie died.

  Others also had what seemed to be insignificant experiences, several before the accident, that when brought together have helped me see that Madie was taken, she was needed...

There is still the natural me the person who is having a physical experience, and misses everything about Madeline.  It seems like there is always something reminding me of what I have lost, what is gone and will never be again in my lifetime.
  I am always looking for something to help me get through another day, the 10 pounds I have gained are evidence of that  :)  
 Over the last few days I decided to try an experiment.  I decided to pray  that I can find gratitude for Madie's death.  We are told to express thanks in "all things" not some things, not the good things, but all things. (1 Thessalonians 5 16-18)  Even so, I didn't begin to know how to do this.  It is beyond my mother heart, the words  seemed to get choked up in my throat.  After feeling unsuccessful , I decided I could pray to be shown or taught how to be grateful for this journey of losing my sweet girl.   It's a starting point, and I can exercise faith that he can help me, even if it takes a long time. 
As I have done this a few things have come to mind that I am grateful for. I am thankful to know where she is, to know she won't have to experience any of the pain, heartache and grief that life can bring, and that she died having turned her heart and will over to her Heavenly Father.  Her journals are a priceless treasure; sacred.

 I am also grateful that as we visited the accident site that I felt an unexpected peace there. 

 I knew I was standing on holy ground, that heaven touched earth there, and that far too many coincidences lined up for this to be a fluke, a time that God  had his back turned, a "wrong place, wrong time" occurrence. I came to know that instead of an accident a "crash" occurred..  

The crash happened in a place that Madie had never been to in her life, and yet her paternal grandfather was born only a mile away.  Her great-great uncle's barn could be seen from the crash site. (see the bronze building on the far left in photo above)  We were less than 15 minutes away from Zion's National Park, where Larry and I went on one of our first dates.

It is where he held my hand for the first time. It was where we began.  

Her body was taken to Kanab Utah, where  both of her paternal grandparents had been buried less than 2 years prior to this. The mortician that handled her body knew Larry's relatives. Larry had met him when he went out for his parents burials.  Larry's cousin lived across the street and Bailee was given a priesthood blessing by this cousin's husband even though they didn't know who Bailee was at the time. 
 I have slowly come to realize that instead of all the things that many of us didn't do, (plane tickets that weren't bought, phone calls that were delayed,  cell phones turned off)  things we so wished we would have done, that possibly everything lined up exactly correctly!  As impossible as it is to accept,  the evidence points me in this direction.
 I must have needed the experience of being blindsided,  maybe because there is more for me to learn about faith and acceptance. Hopefully the passage of time will bring clarity to me.

 While writing today, I've felt confirmation again that this is my journey, and part of what I need to experience.  As much as I hate it, I need to work on changing my attitude and see it as an opportunity for growth.  Realizing that each time I falter, and get up again, I am learning, being stretched.  If I choose to, I can become more aligned with my Heavenly Father's will.   To become submissive and childlike.  So difficult to do.
Wandering.  
          Where will this lead?
                                          Who knows?
                            Maybe we're all wanderers, but I believe we have more help than we realize. 
I love this quote from a conference talk by Richard G. Scott from April 2012.  

Another example of revelation is this guidance given to President Joseph F. Smith: “I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves."

Heroes all around us...

Every child grows up with heroes.  A super hero does extraordinary things in the face of incredible odds. Children learn that they can do hard things, to not give up, and to become someone of worth.  A super hero makes a difference in peoples lives.

Madie had her super heroes...
         It started out with her family.  
               The whole family was there at her birth to greet her.

  It had been 5 years since Taylor was born, so she easily became the long awaited princess to the whole family.  Her older siblings would protect and defend the beautiful new arrival at any and all costs. She was their princess, Madeline Rose... Each of her older siblings was a super hero in her eyes....

FAVORITE MEMORIES...

 "I was babysitting Madie when she was about six months old, before the house was remodeled, and she was fussy and wanted her mom or dad or someone other than her 12 year-old brother. But I was the only one there, so I tried talking to her,  rocking her, all kinds of things.  Finally while I was walking around with her, I started singing to her a couple of songs, and she got a bit less fussy.  I sang her name to her over and over in a melody that I had never heard and have never been able to recreate since.  It wasn't anything earth-shattering, but it calmed her down and she fell asleep on my shoulder.  I felt great love for that little angel and was happy to have helped her. (Ryan)

During my Christmas 2009 visit, I took Madie to Sonic (either before or after a musical rehearsal) for diet cherry limeades, Tatar tots and a check-in about her New York trip goals.  We chatted for a while about how she was doing, and I told her "You know, I'm here for you.  Call me if you ever need anything, even if it's just to talk," and she smiled, nodded her head and replied, "You know, I'm here for you too."  It was the first time I realized she didn't want or expect our relationship to be all about her, and I remember being so excited that our relationship was beginning to mature. (Rachelle)

I always looked forward to the holidays when Rachelle and I would both be in Houston, and we would steal the girls away to the forbidden Starbucks and get the girls fabulously overpriced hot chocolate.  The last time we stole Madie we took her to a Taco Cabana at some awful hour and talked about Sawyer and going on a trip with Rachelle.  I remember one Christmas I took her to Abercrombie to shop for clothes, and I couldn't believe that my little sister was growing up and milling about a store filled with perfume,. I also couldn't believe someone in my family was aware of name brand clothing before they moved out.  I miss her laugh the most.  of all of the kids in our family I felt like her and I shared the most similar brand of humor.  always laughing at inappropriate things!  (Sterling)

Madie and I went to Los Cucos and Bear Lake with some friends the weekend of my birthday, and close to midnight, my friends started the usual "what you like most about the birthday person". Madie had just met most of these people, but did the best that I had ever seen her do at relaxing and having fun with strangers.  She went last and was in tears before she even started.  She talked about how fun it was to spend a lot of time with me over the summer since we hadn't spent much time together since before my mission.  She said she loved listening to everyones responses (which were all very generous) and said that everyones comments were a combination of the best attributes of everyone else in our family and that  she couldn't be prouder of who I was and that I was her brother.  By that point we were both crying and she came over and sat by me and we held each other for what could have been forever.  (Taylor)

 She idolized them and knew she had the coolest older siblings ever!

I regress... 
Around the age of 1 1/2, Madie came to have an obsession with Dumbo.  She wanted to watch it repeatedly all day everyday much to the disdain of her older siblings.  I think Dumbo instilled in her at a very young age that regardless of her obstacles, she could pick herself up and work really hard sometimes doing the impossible. Dumbo taught her to love others regardless of their differences...

Her "twin" MarShae arrived into the family as quickly as she could, changing "the princess" status to the "little girls".  This took a little adjusting for princess Madeline Rose, who soon had her name shortened to Madie. She had a love hate relationship with this new arrival, she knew she had been dethroned, and as a frustrated  little princess would kiss her new baby sister, than decide to bite her.  Even so with all the older siblings off to school they soon became inseparable. They were each others hero's.

Here is a facebook post by MarShae right after Madie died.

 I don't know what I did to deserve such a perfect, beautiful sister. The 16 years I got to spend with Madie are priceless.

Madeline Morris as a kid: (I know this post seems long, but too me it barely scratches the surface)
Before I was born, Madie was OBSESSED with "Ring around the Rosies" She loved the part that goes "Ashes, ashes! we all fall down!" So Madie wanted to name me "Ashes Ashes!" so My parents gave me the middle name "Ashley".  I always loved that story of how Madie helped name me! :)
She was such a shy little kid!  She ALWAYS sucked her thumb till she was like 6 !           
   I remember when I was about 3 and she said to me "I'm gonna knock over this lamp and go tell mom that you did it!" and then she did exactly what she said she would do and I was put in time out for "braking the lamp" haha!  Madie always said she was jealous of me as a child- I don't know why. 
We used to play Barbies together until she decided she was too old for it, and I of course insisted that I was too old for it then too! I always tried to be like Madie. If she didn't like dinner- I didn't like dinner (she hated pasta salad).  If she liked a song- I liked that song. Whenever I would say little sayings she would say "hey, you got that from me!"  but I always insisted that I had come up with that phrase on my own.
I remember "Say My Name" was our JAM!!  We were little kids making up dance moves to it and everything!  She LOVED "Aladdin"- it was probably her favorite Disney movie. She used to draw Jasmine all the time when she was in like 6th grade.  At one point, Madie wanted to draw ALL the Disney princesses in her sketchbook , which gave Madie and I an excuse to watch all the princess movies within like 3 days!
One night when Madie and I shared a room, we couldn't fall asleep so we just quoted the ENTIRE movie of "The Emperor's New Groove"! I mean, EVERY SINGLE WORD!! She claims that we also had Shrek memorized, but I don't remember that! I remember a long time ago making a list of the movies we wanted to see soo bad, and they were like "Pirates of the Carribean" and "Finding Nemo"  
The candy bar game was Madie's favorite!  Of course, cause it involved speed and chocolate- two of Madie's favorites.  I think Madie prefered the "Tasha Willis" version of the game, cause you get to eat more candy! and you can trade for other people's candy. She also loved Boggle, we're talkin' LOVED it!  We used to stay up late and play it in her room, but when we shook up the game she would surround it in pillows to muffle the sound. Settlers of Catan was another game that we played literally every night one summer! Madie didn't like Monopoly and always gave up halfway through cause she knew that Taylor was just gonna win anyway haha! Madie LOVED "hot lava tag"- where you jump around on pillows on the floor and you can't touch the ground cause it would burn you. Madie and I also play this game called like "Tiger and Princess" or something and we would take turns being the Princess (who would run on the couches) and the tiger (who would chase the princess)...the game had no point, it was just fun :) we also used to balance beam along the top of the downstairs couches...mom wasn't a big fan of that! 
Madie and I LOVED to sleep on the floor of Rachelle Morris's room as kids!  Rachelle's fan was so powerful that Madie and I would pretend that we were in a snow storm and we had to save each other from the strong winds! Then when we actually fell asleep, we would wake up freezing in the middle of the night and search for whatever we could to keep us warm...mostly just clothes and towels that Rachelle had left on the floor. 
For Madie's 6th birthday, she got these candies and she told me that I couldn't have any...but I thought I would sneak one when she wasn't looking. So I ate one! Turns out that the "candies" were actually little tablets that you put in the bathtub to make the water change colors! needless to say...I threw up!  Madie pretended to be mad about it whenever someone brought up that story, but she told me just like a year ago that she was glad I ate one- so that she learned NOT to eat them!
I don't know if any of these little stories make sense, but this was very therapeutic, so whatever haha!

And now time for some random Madie facts.... also by MarShae
She hated her teeth until she was like 16
She never finished an entire series of books
She kept 2 "Izzie" sodas in her room, but whenever she wanted an Izzie she would go all the way downstairs to get one
The Izzies are still under her desk
Harry Styles was her favorite member of 1D
She loved card games- we used to spend hours playing one round of "war"
She bit her nails...a lot
She never felt smart, so she studied FOREVER
She loved Lord of The Rings
She cried every night the semester of 6th grade because she was so stressed
She always picked at her hair
She hated having things over her face, especially when Taylor Morris would sit on it hahaha
Apples were her FAVORITE
She loved to dance, she would blare the radio in her room and watch herself dance in the mirror, that's how she got so good
She loved "America's Next Top Model"
Rose (her middle name) is her favorite flower, especially red
She loved nuts, almonds, pistachios, you name it
Choir was her favorite class
She loved watching movies- especially comedy, and romance (the type that make you cry like The Notebook)
She sang constantly
Los Cucos was her favorite restaurant 

Her favorite store was Anthropologie,

Her last Christmas was her favorite Christmas

She loved getting dressed up for dances, photo shoots, homecoming week, etc. 
               Sawyer was her "super hero" on steroids! 

                       He treated her like a queen!

She accidentally bit her lip a lot when she ate, probably because she ate with her mouth open a lot (I got on her case about that haha)
To her it didn't really matter where she was going, what mattered was the music in the car on the way there 
She loved British singers 
She loved clothes
We used to act out movies while we watched them (we tried doing that kick thing at the end of "Be a Man" in Mulan OVER and over)
Her favorite show was So You Think You Can Dance
She loved mowing the neighbor's lawn (they pay really well)
Having a line in "Once Upon a Mattress" was a HUGE deal to her ("The Queen!!")
She was so scarred of Wookies (like from Star Wars) coz one time she had a nightmare that they were chasing her in a forest
She LOVED sleep- when Marielle, Madie, and I all shared a room, she would get soo mad at Marielle and I for talking-"SHUT UP!! I was ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP" 
She used to make Marielle mad just because Madie thought it was funny
Pretty sure Madie has a scar from Marielle biting her one time
She talked to Sawyer like EVERYDAY while she was at college

(She knew what it felt like to be respected, honored and loved)

She told me that she thinks drowning, or dieing slowly would be the worst way to die- She told me that she wanted to die in her sleep- She got both her wishes

She was a firm believer in  
"It doesn't matter how many years are in your life,
                     but how much life is in your years"

She loves God and her Savior, Jesus Christ. She loves her family.

 MarShae's favorite memory....Her last night  in Houston, Madie had to clean her room, but there was so much dust that she kept having to blow her nose.  So I walk into her room and she has a training bra wrapped around her face as a dust mask. I grabbed my camera and took pics of her while she protested "Stop it, MarShae"
  It was soo funny!  (MarShae)

How I miss this dynamic duo; their singing all the time together, sharing sister secrets, the twin telepathy that always surprised me. 

Marielle was the first baby born that Madie could help take care of and she loved being the older sister!  The three little girls shared a room  for a few years. Madie learned about mothering from Marielle. She learned patience...

I was able to attend Madie's 16th birthday party and it was the funnest party I had ever been to.  I felt special and included in the dance party and games.  (Marielle)

Madie grew to have other super hero's.  So many people she admired and wanted to glean from them qualities that she wanted to work on. 


Her sister in law's Klara and Kathy became dear to her heart. They loved and included her and made her feel grown up.

One summer day Madeline, MarShae and I went blueberry picking at a small farm and I taught them how to make my homemade bread recipe.  They did such a great job making the bread it tasted like heaven in bread form.  Then we ate lots of it w/ homemade jam. (Klara)

 




My favorite memories with Madie are when we would all sit around the kitchen table at the Morris house.  I see her sitting there, with that big gray sweatshirt on, eating an apple and laughing at all the side comments sterling and I made.  Most people don't catch all the jokes, but Madie listened and she laughed.  So we could play all of the inside jokes over and over, making them grow more hilarious each time.  (Kathy)

Madie's first "Super Hero" would have been her father. She knew he could fix anything and everything. He drove her to early morning seminary for 4 years. He studied with her, typed out notes for her...He could always be  counted on!

I remember trying to teach her how to start the lawn mower.  She couldn’t pull the cord hard enough to get the old second hand Snapper 6.5 engine to turn over.  I tried showing her different ways to pull the cord.  I even had her put one leg on the handle cross bar and have her push with her leg, as she simultaneously pulled the cord, in the hopes that the combination of opposing forces could do the trick.  It almost worked, but I ended up starting it for her.  Then one day when I got home, Madie had finished mowing the Herman’s yard.  I asked, “Who started the mower?”  and Madie, while eating a big apple, said, “I did,” and smiled.  I was so excited and she knew I realized my little girl wasn’t as little as she used to be. (Dad)

One of her last super hero's was Elaine Dalton, the general  Young Women's President.

 She often talked about her and how she was her role model.  She loved that she was a runner and would remark after listening to her speak "I'm going to grow up and be just like her, and I am going to run  half marathons."  She set the goal, wrote encouraging signs all over her BYU dorm, and committed with her big sister Rachelle to run her first half marathon in Washington D.C. last March.  This commitment was made the week before she died.  Madie's love of running and quality of being kind to everyone inspired  her sister Rachelle who  founded Rose Runners . 

   Madeline Rose is now one of my super hero's. 

I have learned more through losing her than any other experience of my life.  I have loved reading her journals and seeing who she was in her heart.  She keep a gratitude journal that she wrote in almost daily.  I am grateful she spent time each evening pondering on the simple blessings of her day. Her words have become sacred to me now. I can see that the Lord was leaving us clues in the things she felt prompted to write about.  Even though we thought she was going to serve a 1 1/2 year mission, Heavenly Father needed her to help him, and through her words I can see she was aligning her will with his.

Having her record inspires me to continue to write, because I am blessed by reading what was important to her.  She has taught me the value of recording our innermost feelings. I have often thought how wonderful it would be to read my grandmother's journal of her experiences when she lost her two little girls. I feel it would help guide me through this darkest of times...

 

     So I write....


A couple of entries I found today in Madie's journal :)

Snatched...

 On Nov. 20th my beautiful daughter was snatched from my life.

                           No good byes, just gone in an instant.

My son Taylor's wedding plans  were snatched, altered... 

His strong body snatched and on a road of pain, surgeries, and a miraculous recovery.

    

Snatched were the family photos that we were going to take and send out at Christmas.. 

Snatched were the plans for the holiday's,  the Lord provided others..

  White Christmas, now that wasn't planned!        

                               Temple Square-Christmas 2012

 Snatched were the dreams of security and safety. 

Gone was the protective canopy that I instinctively created over my children.

Snatched was the concept that I could control my life, that if I always cross my t's and dot my i's that a certain outcome would occur.

Snatched was the sense of security that God knew and understood that I couldn't survive this kind of trauma, in fact I had told him the day before I could never survive one of my children dying, so how can this be? Didn't he get the memo? 

Snatched was life as I knew it previously to that day...  With a new life that I didn't ask for, instantly beginning. 

Snatched were so many things that I used to believe were vital;  eating healthy, excercising, accomplishing my to do list. 

Snatched was my heart, so I ask myself how is it still beating? 

Snatched was a sense of order and control. Being able to do mundane simple everyday things. 

Snatched was the ability to know, how I would do or feel in any given moment or circumstance, on any given day.

Snatched is the social scene, with new undefined rules.  I sense the apprehension of others, and understand they don't know what to do, most likely there is fear they might upset me.  Group situations are the hardest,  there is often a tangible awkwardness.  I want to say "it's okay if I cry, it is part of my life now.  It's okay to talk about Madie, she is always on my mind.  If I seem unapproachable, realize that I don't want to be the little black rain cloud." 
 I am in pain, it rarely goes away, and I often feel lonely for a normal life.  A life where I have dreams that haven't been shattered. One where people don't feel sorry for me, or think they can catch what I have. I miss my life that was organized, capable, strong...  I also long to feel happy, carefree, innocent, but that seems to be snatched as well. 

Yes snatched describes many of my feelings, but it's also something that happens without warning when all is going rather well. Then something "snatches" me and I am completely emotional, and not sure when or if it will be long or short.  It can be anything, a smell, picture, person, event... the possibilities are endless, but leave me feeling vulnerable much of the time. 
 As I start to put the pieces of my life  back together, there is the aspect of anytime, anywhere I could get snatched, and then again another wave of grief, that may or may not be at a good or appropriate time...

What helps? 
                                Family and Friends 

                              Unconditional love is imperative.

Discovering a purpose,
    exploring a way to honor Madie      
    I find myself trying to define what's meaningful, and gives my life hope and direction. I've observed my children and husband as we all search for ways to honor Madie. 

                                Marielle's story 
            
    Trust...

Trusting that Heavenly Father is in charge, and knows 
me by name. Possessing confidence that even in my darkest hours, he is there and will send something, somehow for me to know. 

Occasionally I am snatched in a way that is completely unexpected. Something unimaginable happens, and I know I have been "snatched" into a heavenly moment..  My vision and perspective completely altered. I am strengthened and given courage to continue putting one foot in front of the other. 

Also having complete faith in "The Plan of Salvation"   grounds my deepest sorrows.

Knowing that I existed as a spirit child,  with Heavenly 
Parents.  Grateful that Christ came to earth to satisfy 
the demands of justice, and atone for the sins and the 
pain of mankind. Breaking the bands of death when he 
died on the cross. 
 
Understanding that this earth life is a small moment 
when we are tested and gain a physical body. Lacking 
experience, we had no comprehension of physical or 
emotional pain. 


A veil was put over our minds as we came to earth, 
lending opportunities to prove ourselves through how 
we lived, choices we made, using Christ's Atonement 
to repent and be forgiven. Also using his atonement to 
heal our wounds and infirmities. His grace is sufficient!


Rising again, regardless of the times we feel our life is 

"snatched" out from under us, resolving to be our best  

regardless of life's circumstances, to trust the Lord, to 

lean on the comfort of our Savior Jesus Christ. 

Through the atonement our broken hearts and souls 

can be healed. Longing for the day when all tears will

be wiped away. When we'll finally feel the security 

and love of never having a snatching moment again, 

and return to live with our Savior Jesus Christ and God 

the Father. To be reunited with Families and have the 

ability to be with our families forever. 



This is what brings me comfort, when all else cannot... 

Jan 30,2013 edited May 29, 2013