"I Wish"

Jan 23,2013   Woke up this morning at 4:30 a.m. to be involved with MarShae's previews for "Into the Woods". A thought I had as I watched each preview was, "I haven't one regret for any time I ever spent with one of my children, regardless of the inconvenience it might have been at the time.."

A line that MarShae Morris opens and closes the show with is "I wish"... How often in life have I wished for something that I later discover is insignificant, or a distraction. 

My personal regrets are the important events that I wasn't present for, either physically or mentally. Life pushes onward and sometimes the busyness, worries, stress or fatigue leave us not really present... 

"I wish... More than anything..." that I could rewind the clock...

Things that seemed important before just seem like a waste of energy...

Connection to our families and friends....giving of our time... Even if it is with half of a heart, because life events weigh us down, knowing that we did our best in the circumstances...

"I wish... More than anything.." my life could be lived without regrets...

We truly don't know when someone we love and care about could prematurely leave our physical presence. The hole and emptiness that is left behind is just that... a large gaping hole.. I am grateful that I have very limited regrets especially in the last year of Madie's life. 

So thankful for my family and the lives my grown children are living... Also that I have a wonderful husband and two lovely daughters still living at home to give me things to be involved in on a daily basis...I don't know if I would get out of bed without these girls right now. My guess is I wouldn't... I am grateful for tender mercies as I attempt to live in whatever fog or haze that seems to envelope my present life..

Oh how "I wish..... more than anything....." that I could have 
"One more day, ONE. DAY. MORE..." with all my family together...
with Madeline Morris

Jan 21,2013  I believe that  everyone regardless of who they are struggles with vulnerability. It is part of our feeling that the world can see our imperfections. The truth is we need to really come to understand that "we are enough". We waste so much energy worried about how we might mess up and someone might think badly of us. As we come to understand our own worth and that each of God's children our amazing beyond description, we find that it is easier to overlook the irritations of living. When we love ourselves, and quit focusing on our imperfections, we are freed to look for ways to listen and build others around us by letting them know, they are important. 

I believe it is when we become powerful and find joy in life! When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, than we open the gate for the contrast which is security and happiness....

So with all of this, I will say that I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. There are moments when a wave of grief hits and the intensity is so deep that I wonder if I will ever find joy again.. At those times I just try to allow the grief to wash through me and hope that I will again pull through and find the rainbow in the sky. The promise of the sun coming out again after the rain...

Jan 5,2013   The last four days have been a blur... so much has been going on but I don't seem to get very much accomplished... I am OK with that but it is really weird to be so unproductive and unmotivated. I realize that the most important thing is to move through the grief, and not expect too much of myself. I must say that this is a lot more complicated to live through than I would have understood prior to the accident.

I am so thankful for the Holy Ghost and the comfort it brings, the guidance that comes, the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father, of our Savior Jesus Christ who suffered for all the sins, pains, heartache, grief, disappointment, that all of God's children will experience. It is mind boggling and sad for me to think that he felt this depth of pain and all the rest of mankind's combined. It is beyond what I have any inkling of a brain particle to imagine. 

I still find it so hard to imagine life without Madeline Morris being a part of it. I see a picture or have a flash of a memory and think, surely this can't be so, and yet my logical side knows that it is. I know she would want me to be happy and involved in the lives of others, really present. I have pep talks on a regular basis with myself to try and stay in the present.

I have also been re reading a near death experience book that I read several years ago, and a concept that jumped out at me is that when people die it is viewed as a new birth. It is celebrated! Too bad we don't have that perspective! Also that time for them doesn't really exist, so what seems like it will be forever to me to be with her again, doesn't feel that way to her. It gave me some comfort pondering on these ideas. 

I am grateful for Eternal families, I'm also grateful for my family and friends, that bring complexities, joy, kindness, challenges, and love! It keeps life interesting, and gives my brain other things to think about....and that's a good thing ♥

I don't even know how to put an end to this year 12/31/2012

Dec 30,2012   Started the morning perfectly with the Mormon Tab's "Music and the Spoken Word" New Year's broadcast.. Next to hear SisterDanielle Roberts report her mission and shed a few tears... She served in our home ward last year and came over for our family's tradition of orange rolls. She and Sister Crandall were instrumental in Madeline Morris thinking about the possibility of serving a mission... Oh the fun times we had with this sister duo! Sister Crandall and Madie would often come to church in very coordinated outfits...Tender mercies to be here in Utah today to enjoy this time with a dear sister, and friend to our family! With MarShae Morris

Dec 31,2013   I don't even know how to put an end to this year.... It feels so final, like I am closing a chapter that I don't want to close. So many wonderful memories! Madie MarShae, Marielle and I talked many times during the year about it being a landmark year for our family because so many members hit important birthdays.. On Nov. 20th 2011 Sterling Morris turned 25 to start the big year. Then exactly 6 months later Madeline Morris turned 18, four days later Ryan Morris turned 30. Three months later MarShae Morristurned 16, two months later Marielle turned 12. As the birthday year came to a close, Madeline left our family at exactly 18 1/2 on her brother Sterling's birthday. I don't even know how to start a new year, other than with gratitude for being a mother to each of my children. Each so precious and important to me. I am grateful for the wonderful memories, also the hard times when we pull together and keep moving forward. How I wish I could turn back the clock, but instead i must move forward embracing the great and wonderful blessings that I have. a wonderful husband and father, wonderful friends and acquaintances who have been more than kind.... It is knowing that each of us have times of difficulties that help define us and mold our characters... I must look to the future with anticipation of joy and Happiness being intertwined with the heartache and grief that makes up the fabric of our lives..

Happy New Year!

Les Miserables,,,, the Movie

Dec 27,2012  Les Miserables...Has to be an all time favorite movie! I wasn't prepared for how incredibly hard it would be to emotionally get through watching it...Larry and I really struggled and I haven't ever watched a movie that had so many different emotions for me personally to experience. I have loved the music from this for over twenty years.. I have the cd in my car and I remember singing songs from it with Madeline and MarShae while driving around during the last couple of months Madie lived at home ...many points of reference of love and great personal loss, with perspectives from many angles.. 

I was completely touched by the greatness of the movie, and overcome with personal emotion of a loving mother, protecting others, a life that was saved and the happiness of the young love being able to be together, the father willing to sacrifice his own desires for the better good of Cosette.. Not to mention "Bring him home', "Empty Chairs and empty Tables" 

I would like to see it again, now that I am prepared emotionally and can just enjoy the beautiful work that was created without the strong emotional attachment. Oh how I miss Madeline Rose.... I can't imagine that will ever change, hopefully it will get easier with the passage of time...

Dec 28,2013  There's a grief that can't be spoken....... and the pain goes on and on.... Oh how I wish that I didn't understand these words so clearly. 

I am amazed at the process of life and life's experiences. On one hand an absolute knowledge of the Lord's hand in all things. Blessings and miracles... mere coincidences that just aren't...
On the other hand, heartache that is so deep it really can't be spoken, but thankfully can be comforted through the Holy Ghost, and the blessings of others, lifting our burdens, lightening our load.

Oh how I wish this could be different... that I could be the one lifting someone else's load, and yet for whatever reason, this is a part of my life's experience. I have felt in so many ways that I am in the fastest tutorial, and living only what I would have previously called a nightmare, and yet absolute miracles have been a part of my daily walk since this has occurred. 

Such a split of emotions...Absolute humbling gratitude for the grace of God, shown forth in countless tender mercies, love and generosity, kindness beyond words to express... so even though the grief is unspeakable, I also find my heart bursting with gratitude, that also can't be spoken...and and even though I wish I didn't understand the depth of both sides , I am humbled to my core that the Lord has shown me his great power, love and hand in my life and in the lives of those around me...again I must state emphatically..."Be Still, and KNOW, that I am GOD"

but alas... I wish this was easier...

First Christmas without Madie

Dec. 22, 2012  We express the Love of our Savior Jesus Christ to all our friends and fellowmen during this Christmas Season. Our hearts are overflowing with the example of people that we know and don't know of love, generosity, kindness, charity, lifting another's burdens, going the extra mile, countless prayers that truly are unbelievably powerful and helping our family as we try to define this new path that is so unexpected and difficult to comprehend... 
The outpouring of love has been something that has made me appreciate in a new way the goodness of mankind.. May each of us hug our families a little longer, smile at a stranger or help someone who seems to be having a rough day...Everyone has challenges, burdens that they carry, oh how I wish I didn't have the heartache that I do, but my heart will be a witness forever of the power of Jesus Christ, he who is acquainted with grief, who knows our sorrows! Miracles happen, one happened over 2 thousand years ago as our Savior Jesus Christ came to the earth, lived and died for all mankind breaking the bands of death. He taught by example, things that I have personally witnessed in countless others...
Oh yes, Christmas will look different this year! In so many ways... I will never forget how I experienced firsthand the goodness of people living a Christ like life, exemplifying all that he taught... Merry Christmas! ♥ The Morris'

Dec 24,2013   What a wonderful day..Many firsts for several members of our family.. First time to see music and the spoken word...So beautiful...hard to take it all in..when the live recording was finished they sang "God be with you till we meet Again" acapella... A perfect ending! Later a lovely evening with Courtney Merrill and her family..So wonderful ♥...Then off to Temple square for a breathtaking experience! The lights were more than I had ever imagined..Lovely!
I am so grateful to be here,living life as fully as I could imagine considering all we have experienced recently...

Approaching Christmas, remembering our favorite Christmas

Dec 17, 2012   Last year was our family's favorite Christmas ever... 
Rachelle took over the task of Santa and she filled everyone's expectations, and beyond with perfect gifts from favorite stores that brought squeals of delight over and over.. 

Sterling and Kathy were a busy Santa team as well, designing and drawing a family portrait... such a treasure! They also made new custom designed shoes for Madie and MarShae.. their most beloved gift, and all who knew them knew how they loved their shoes that their big brother Sterling personally designed for them...

Ryan and Klara bring us the gift of family that continues with little children so excited for all the events of Christmas morning..so grateful for their wonderful family...

Taylor brought music home... he brought a new song that we sang together as a family Christmas morning, and sang with his dear Madeline Morris "Oh Holy Night" in our Christmas morning services... She was so excited to get to sing with her big brother and it was just beautiful... Madie, MarShae and Marielle were so excited to have all the big kids home together for a few cherished moments together... sugar plums discovered in Old town Spring, shooting range with the whole family, orange rolls, super mario cart races, Elf, dance parties etc... 

As I have approach Christmas this year, it has been hard to hear the laughter of the season, joy and excitement... Christmas will never return the same for us because there will always be a missing person at the table, one less stocking to fill, and one less smile and laugh to bring added joy to our family...The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that we will be reunited as a complete family someday, but for now we can rebuild the shattered dreams of a future that looks different, enjoy the moments of family and friends! That is all that really matters... time spent with each other, talking crying, laughing, singing, wishing there wasn't the hole left in each of our hearts, but grateful to have had each member of our family... just one missing makes the heart ache in a way that is hard to put into words...

Rachelle’s thoughts, 12/17/2012

As I reflect on this particularly unique Christmas season - one that has been marred in this nation by the tragic shootings in Connecticut, and one that has been uprooted in my own family as we mourn the loss of our dear Madeline - there are a few thoughts that continually come to mind: 

Christ lived perfectly, but His life was anything but perfect. As noted by the prophet Isaiah (Isa. 53:3), the Lord is "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief." When Jesus declared to His disciples, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27), He was not stating it as a being who bypassed sorrow and grief himself. For Jesus experienced the pains and afflictions of mortality, just as we do, and because of His experience, He can perfectly succor each of us in our times of need. 

Make no mistake, my heart aches for Madie. Oh how I wish I could chat/laugh/dance with her one more time. I know all of her loved ones wish for one more memory with her. But alas, her time in mortality was shorter than what we had all anticipated, and we must face our lives without her physical presence. 

Nevertheless, while I feel pain I have never felt before (pain I hope many reading this post never have to endure), I also feel comfort from the Lord in ways I have never experienced. Indeed, the Lord IS the Prince of Peace, and I am grateful I can celebrate His birth during this tumultuous time. 

And even though I lack the musical talents that Taylor, Ryan, MarShae, Bailee,Kathy, etc possess, all I yearn to do right now is sing these lyrics of our family's favorite Christmas carol:

Sweet hymns of joy
In grateful chorus raise we
Let all within us praise His holy name
Christ is the Lord, let ever ever praise Thee
Noël, Noël
Oh night, Oh night divine 

May we all feel the Spirit of Christ during this special season, and through feeling the Spirit of Christ, may we all be a little kinder, a little more thoughtful, and a little more generous to those around us. —

My thoughts...
Dec 18,2013  I can't believe it was 4 weeks ago tonight that Madeline Morriswas packing a bag, so excited that her brother Taylor Morris and Bailee Brinkerhoff had just announced their engagement, and decided to take off early to share their excitement with Bailee's family in Arizona. 
One of the challenges for me personally is I didn't get to say goodbye...Who could have known... It has made me realize that it really is important to treat each other with the love that we would feel if it was our last encounter with them... Not always easy, but having no regrets is really powerful ... How often do we harbor ill feelings because someone hurt our feelings, or upset us...Human nature tells me it happens way more than I want to live with any more... Life can be short, and easy to take for granted...

Kindness always wins... It is never the wrong response...