Hello from the other side

Today marks the four year anniversary of Madeline Rose passing away. This is my favorite "Madie Hello" from this year.

Some history:

In August of 2015 I was deeply struggling after dropping MarShae off at BYU.  I knew a period of my life had come to an end and I didn't want to go home and face the life in front of me. So many aspects were difficult. 

Madie and MarShae were raised together like twins. They had a twin telepathy that I was able to witness first hand repeatedly. I knew I wouldn't have the daily reminders the quirks that were unique to the two girls. MarShae was also living in the same dorm as Madie had lived in at BYU.  

I clearly remember being home alone that first week because Marielle had stayed in Utah with friends.  August 20th I cried on and off all day. It marked 45 months since Madie had died.  I was deeply depressed and I didn't know what I would do with my life. Marielle had recently pointed out that she was an artist and that artists work alone, so I also knew that another aspect of my life was shifting.  Eighteen years of involvement with Klein High Theater and supporting my children who were involved there was changing, possibly ending.

 I was at a crossroads, and I didn't know where to go.  

I woke up August 21, 2015 and the tears started flowing again. Today because it was MarShae's 19th birthday and I was sitting home alone in my bed immobilized with grief. 

A few hours into that morning I had a pep talk with myself and basically said, 
"You can sit here in this bed again and cry all day, increasing the sinus headache you already have, or you can get up, get dressed, go to the temple and cry there.  At least there you will be doing something for someone else, and you will be around people." 
I got myself dressed,took a leap of faith and went.  I experienced a beautiful spirit that warmed my heart, tears freely flowed but I felt comfort from above that everything would be okay, eventually. I determined this was something I  should do to help me get through this adjustment in my life. 
I started going a couple of times a week. I felt renewed every time I went. I experienced things that were sacred, healing began and I often felt in the hands of my Savior. 

In October with a habit in place I found myself at the first trigger of reminders of the anniversary around the corner, Marielle's birthday October 19th. The temple was closed because it was a Monday so I went the following day with a friend and had a beautiful experience.  This prompted me to return three more days that week, going with Larry Saturday evening October 24, 2015. That night while praying in the Celestial Room about the upcoming anniversary that I felt looming around the corner, the idea clearly came "If you go to the temple as often as possible between now and the anniversary, it will be easier this year for you."  With the struggles I knew were in front of me I committed to my Heavenly Father to go every day that I could until the anniversary November 20,2016. This set in motion a year of miracles that I had no way of knowing were in front of me. I  had experiences every day through the anniversary that I couldn't explain.  It became like a treasure hunt, never knowing what unexpected thing might happen, but also realizing these were given to me as gifts. A witness of love from my Savior. 

Early in November I determined and committed to going everyday the Temple was open till the end of the year, because since the accident I struggled with the entire holiday season and wanted continued strength and help. 

Tender mercies continued to happen everyday, and I wish I had recorded every one of them. I did share most of them with Larry and Marielle each night, but many are forgotten. 

On New Year's Day  as I looked at the year in front of me I committed to attend everyday in 2016 that the Temple was open unless I had a family conflict. I wanted as much help as heaven would give. I realized MarShae going on a mission would be another goodbye for a year and a half with only weekly emails to communicate.
  
On this fourth anniversary I will share my favorite experience. Everything I have shared so far helps set the stage of this personal miracle.

 It is now February 25, 2016. At this point I don't have unexplainable experiences daily, so when they happen they are a pleasant surprise. It has become second nature to me, to attend daily and do ordinances for my ancestors who died without them. 
(For those who haven't been in our temples or learned about them I will briefly explain because it's a part of the miracle)
These ordinances include Baptism, Confirmation, Initiatory (symbolic washing and annointings), then an Endowment which is a process of covenants made between us and Heavenly Father.  Last is Sealing of families. 

Today I am doing an Endowment and seated in front of me are three women also doing Endowments for their ancestors.  The miracle begins to unfold as I notice this card on the floor by my feet. 

I pick it up, realizing it must belong to one of the girls in front of me.  These "cards" represent an ancestor and are used to mark and date when each ordinance is completed in the Temple. I immediately notice the name of the person who submitted the card Katie "Rose" Hart. Madie's middle name Rose gets my attention.

Madie singing
 "Set Fire to the Rain  May 2011

   I also notice the first name of the ancestor is Adele who was Madie's favorite singer, and her last name is Grave.   I think "that is kind of cool", and  I tap the girl in front of me and ask her if this happens to be her card.  She responds "yes" and I return her card to her.
   

Later we stand up and somehow her card floats through the air and lands in front of me again.  We make eye contact and grin and because we have things to do I motion that I will place the card on the empty seat next to me, and she agrees.  When we sit down again I decide maybe I need to inspect this card more closely.  I look at the dates and bells start going off in my head.  I have a quirky thing for dates, and often feel it is a way Madie communicates with me.

This card is loaded.  Baptism and Confirmation, August 21, 2015.  MarShae's last birthday.  Initiatory, Oct 24, 2015 when I committed to go everyday to the temple leading up to the 3rd anniversary.  Then I noticed in small print at the bottom left this card was reprinted on Nov 20, 2015, the 3rd anniversary.

At this point I can't even believe what I am looking at.  

I become aware of how many things took place for this to occur.  My mind is reeling. Happy tears fill my eyes!  I know Madie is so thrilled I finally got it! 

I feel her excitement! 

Then I look at the ancestor who is having her work done, and remember that Adele, released her song "Hello" November 20, 2015 on the third anniversary of Madie's death.  I soon hand this card back to Katie and whisper, "Can I talk to you in the Celestial Room?" She agrees as tears of joy spill onto my lap.  I know this was an incredible gift given in a way that would speak to me personally.  

In the Celestial Room I explain everything to Katie and she shares her side of the story. She is the only member in her family.  In August after her mission,while visiting her grandparents she asked her grandfather if he would drive her to the temple in Kansas City. He doesn't understand the need for temples but agrees to take her and she does the baptisms there, on MarShae's birthday.  Katie later does the initiatory in the Jordan River Temple (which was the last Temple I went to with MarShae and Marielle when we dropped MarShae off at BYU). 
Katie later returns to live in Houston after fall semester. Because she is the only member of her family she tries to come to the temple every Tuesday to do an ordinance for an ancestor of hers.  Tuesday didn't work that week, and that morning she canceled plans with a friend because she felt she was supposed to come and we just happened to be in the same session when her card miraculously ends up in front of me twice. 
She also explained that over the past few weeks she had looked at Adele's card and considered doing it, but felt she should do one of Adele's sisters so hadn't.  That morning as she was driving to the temple "Hello" came on the radio and the thought came to her, "you should do Adele today".  We looked into each other's eyes, realizing we were part of a miracle to witness to both of us, how real this work is, and how involved the other side is in our lives.  It's wonderful to  know what I believed before, and will always witness of miracles that are available to us. As we open our eyes, pray in faith, Help is always there; eventually.

To Madeline and Heavenly Father,
Thank you for knowing me well enough to give me experiences that would be so personal to me.  
Madie, I miss you with all my heart, I've learned so much from your life and death. I love you dearly, and can't wait for that glorious day when we will be reunited.
Until then, keep sending me Hello's from the other side"



"Hello" by Adele
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfG6VKnjrVw

Life brings other challenges

I am grateful for six hours of sleep!

I have been dealing with shingles for the past 2+ weeks, and this past week struggled to sleep without medications to ease some of the pain.

I was starting to become worried about the addiction to the meds that I could see was happening, and so I decided to not take the hydrocodone or anything that might help me sleep. I have had 3 nights this week where sleep didn't come till after 5:30 am and then only for about 3 hours. That was enough crazy for one week, because I am also in varrying degrees of phsical pain.

The parodox was understanding that sleep was where healing could come and a break from the pain, and yet deep concerns about the long term effects of the drugs. In the past I have struggled with insomnia and addiction to pain meds from years of migraines, so the inability to sleep without something helping, even if it was benedryl was causing me additional stress and concern. (Benydryl often results in waking with a headache, so not the best option for me).

Stress is a large factor in a shingles outbreak, that and a compromised immune system. So more stress over the worry of not sleeping, and the drug addiction I could see was forming was what led me to starting gratitude posts publicly again.

Some additional things I am grateful to be learning.

Even though I woke up at 3 am I was incredibly grateful to have slept drug free, and med free. I am grateful for comfort that has come through my Savior when I felt broken. I am thankful for people who have reached out and been kind and loving. I am grateful for being able to wean myself off of pain meds during an 8 hour day in the temple Saturday. Even though sleep didn't come that night, and I felt I like I was losing it mentally all day Sunday, I had some breakthrough inspirations that came during church. One was that my physical pain had been lifted almost completely. I had thought maybe I was finished with shingles pain, until I woke up with renewed spirits but searing burning pain again this morning. It was then very clear that I had been spared physical pain all day Sunday. I could see that I was being helped to continue my quest to remain drug free. It has encouraged me to ride this pain cycle out again, because I also feel that I am healing physically, and grateful for direction and answers that have come during this experience. I am grateful to have a different level of compassion then I had before experiencing something that doesn't have an end date. (I have heard and read many horror stories, and honestly feel like I can't imagine this being a chronic condition).

I have been grateful that having shingles has given me the motivation that nothing else has been able to do since Madie died to return to a healthy lifestyle. It was something that Madie and I did together, and I struggled from the beginning being able to continue.

It has been easier then I thought it ever could be, but I have learned from this that intense pain makes other things like hunger or food, not seem so appealing. I realized that every time I have attempted to return to eating healthier, I haven't had the ability to last more then a few days. This is an added gift and blessing from this experience, and helps me have hope for the future.

I am grateful that Marielle decided to take charge of a very difficult situation yesterday, because I was beyond discouraged. She made dinner, got a puzzle out for me to work on to distract me, and quoted a scripture to me as I drove her to a youth activity.

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life” (2 Nephi 31:20).

I marveled at who she is becoming and felt immense gratitude that she is here during this period of my life.

The Rose Ring

  Last month I went on an Annual Business trip with Larry to San Antonio.  I have gone many times in the past 22 years, and it rotates to different cities in Texas. We left early Wednesday morning and checked into our Hotel before 10 am.  I then dropped Larry off at a golfing event and drove to the San Antonio Temple to attend the last session for that day at noon.  

   The Houston Temple had been  closed for three weeks, and I was excited to visit the San Antonio Temple. I have heard since it was finished in 2005 that it was incredibly beautiful. I had no expectations of anything unusual happening, but was soon surprised by one of the most extraordinary   "Madie Hello's"  I have experienced since Madeline passed away.

I saw a young girl in the dressing room waiting with her mother that I knew from  the Houston Temple.  We hugged and I had hoped to sit by her but when I went into the Ordinance Room there was one open seat on the front row and then some seats on the third row. She was seated on the second row. Since there wasn't an empty chair by her I almost sat on the front row so I would have more time in the Celestial Room before the Temple closed, but then thought, "No just go sit on the third row." Soon another woman came in and sat next to me. I had no way of knowing at the time how important that was.

 As the session began I felt so much peace, and somewhat sleepy from getting up so early.  Eventually we changed rooms and when I entered the new room I was overcome with the intricate beauty.   It felt wonderful to be in a temple again.

 The sister next to me touched my hand and said "I haven't seen a ring like this since the one my husband gave me for my wedding ring." 

   I explained that my husband bought one for each of the girls in our family for Christmas a few years ago just after my daughter passed away in a car accident because her middle name was Rose.  Unfortunately I lost the diamond out of my wedding ring just before the accident so now I wear this for my wedding ring, and love the constant reminder of my sweet girl. 

  She was overcome with emotion to see it again but I noticed she wasn't wearing her rose ring.  She proceeded to tell me that while we were in the other room she was drowsy and felt a hand pat her leg just like her husband used to do.  It aroused her and she looked at her watch and realized what day and time it was.
 Her husband  had died suddenly 36 years ago at that very time, just two weeks after she had giving birth to their 4th child. 
She knew the anniversary was close but tried to block out focusing on it so that she doesn't experience the trauma and emotions all over again. I understood perfectly the difficulty of anniversaries.
  
She then explained that she didn't have her ring any more because she gave it to her oldest daughter who's name was Madeline.  At that point I about fell out of my chair.  I realized how many things had lined up for us to be there sitting next to each other. We had both left our house early that morning living 7 hours apart and were sitting next to each other by noon, in a room full of people.

Soon we entered the Celestial room, which had roses in a bouquet on a table right in front of the tree of life stained glass window.  I felt like I was in another world as tears filled my eyes.  

We sat down and she related to me that it was a very last minute decision to come to the temple. 
Her friend named "Rosa" had called her the night before and asked her if she could possibly drive to the temple with her in the morning.  She cleared her day and they also left early that morning from McAllen,Texas to make the last session at noon. 

I was overcome with how much the Lord loves each of his children, and how merciful he is. I know that his love is real.  I felt an outpouring of it in his Holy Temple and I knew that angels had been close by watching over details in my life. 

Kindness lives on as miracles came from Madie today

Miracles happened in the temple this morning as random schedules lined up and I was in the right place at the right time to hear this sweet girls name, Avery Ivonosky.

 I knew Madie and her sister Emma were pretty pleased with their efforts for our paths to cross and for me to not only hear her name but know that she lost her sister Emma just four months ago in a freak accident.

Later in the day I realized that Avery's father had started a 13 days of random acts of kindness in honor of Emma that began today to help get through their first Christmas without Emma.



 If I hadn't been in the act of helping Avery (she was in the temple for her first time), as I thought she looked a bit unsure of what to do when she came into the dressing room so I proceeded to explain where things were and how to do certain things.

 

  

My purpose in being at the temple at this particular time was to be a part of Celeste Heck's first experience going to the temple since she was baptized in November.

My intentions were to finish quickly because Marielle was in a drama tournament that I was going to be attending the rest of the day.

A little while later as I was helping Celeste I was asked by a temple worker if I could stay and help the next girl because they were short workers for a few minutes.. 

It was as I was helping Avery that I heard her grandfather say her name and the tears started flowing.  I looked at her grandmother who was about 15 feet in front of me watching Avery and was sure she was Tiffany's mother because the resemblance was so striking. I hadn't met any of the Ivonosky family but have followed their story because mutual friends shared it with me when Emma died. 

I've felt empathy and understanding of their journey that feels so familiar. Both of our daughter's legacy of being kind. Both family's honoring our girls through spreading kindness..
Memories started flooding my mind.
I remembered Marielle going to this same temple when she was 12 just a few months after Madie died with Sawyer. I remembered him picking her up early that morning and still being in my pajamas. I recalled as soon as they left realizing I was going to miss something special, throwing on a dress and quickly driving to the temple. 
All these memories came flooding back to my mind as I watched sweet Avery's first experience of being baptized for her ancestors, and the tears streamed down my face.
 I realized how much all of us are loved by our Heavenly Father for this to just randomly occur this morning. I understood just how close our loved one's are. I knew Madie and Emma were pretty excited that this had happened, and their kindness came through the veil 
together today.


  As for the rest of my day, it was fun to see Marielle do so well, and place in several events.

My heart is full of gratitude as I reflect on the  many witnesses over the past month, while in the temple of Madie's involvement in my life.today's was extra special.

. ‪#‎forouremma ‬‪#‎madelinerose‬

Anniversaries with peace at 27 months...

I have always had a thing for numbers.  I love doing Sudoku and math always came easy for me. I also remember dates like the day we closed on our house April 23rd, only to purchase our first new car a few years later on the same date.  I also discovered twice on April 27th, that two babies I was carrying had died during my second trimester.
Because of this I have thought that the 20's in a calender month hold special significance to me.  Larry and I were married 34 years ago today on March 21st.

 I had my first child on May 24, only to have each of my other children born on a day in the 20's except for Marielle. After a full day of labor at 11:30 p.m. on Oct.19th my doctor said, "you have been pushing for 2 hours,which seems like a long time for your 7th child."  I told him I thought she was waiting to be born on the 20th. He determined I had pushed long enough and out came forceps, a first for me. He carefully pulled her out during my next contraction just before midnight. I have often thought she was supposed to be born on the 20th, maybe so that I would know that there was some kind of order in the heavens.
 Now some could say that is just how my cycle runs but I have had children born two weeks late, two weeks early, and right on time.  Madie was born on May 20th, sharing Sterling's half birthday November 20th. The accident happened on November 20th, which seemed wrong but significant at the same time.
 Maybe all of my fascination with numbers was a way for me to later recognize that God was in charge. 
In the beginning it seemed so weird and awful to me that it happened on such an important date, but over time I saw the wisdom in the "coincidence" of it.  With an accident that kills a child and almost another child, with the circumstances around the accident, it could be easy to think, "how is this possible?"  
Did God have his back turned or did the angels just forget their assignments? 
Was the Holy Ghost's promptings completely unavailable or maybe it was precisely what was supposed to happen. Possibly Heavenly Father knew that I would see the dates line up in such a way as to give another witness to the order that is in Heaven. As I have searched for answers I felt like pieces of the puzzle have continued to fall into place.

 I am also grateful that even though November 20th is a complicated day, celebrating Sterling's birthday provides distractions to help shift the focus of the day, and the memories of losing Madie.

Yesterday was another anniversary 27 months. For the first time the anniversary felt completely peaceful. I was busy engaged in other things. I saw his hand in answering specific prayers in my morning scripture study. I was asked by the sister missionaries to come to a missionary discussion, which meant rescheduling my evening plans. I almost turned down the invitation but then I felt I should rearrange things and so told the sister missionaries I would come.
 I wasn't expecting to have a mini reunion with Sister Nelson who was on splits, which means she is assigned to another area but was working with Sister Peterson who is serving in our ward, while both of their companions were also working together. 

A picture we took last summer at on of the baptisms.

 Sister Nelson taught three of Madie's friends that were baptized last summer. We were both ecstatic to see each other again.  She shared with me that over and over she has felt Madie's presence in her experiences as a missionary. Just the day before she had thought about me and wished she could see me again.  She even decided she would write me a letter the following Monday on her preparation day. Imagine both of our surprise when I arrived, and she realized that we were going to have another missionary discussion together. With all of the excitement I forgot that it was the 20th.  We visited afterwards and shared some sacred experiences and feelings.

 
This morning I realized that over and over I have been able to witness rewarding experiences of Sister Nelson's mission. I'm sure her mother would love to experience these important events with her daughter but can't because of mission rules.  I saw the similarities because I can't experience Madie's mission and the work she is doing.  At times I get clues and insights into some of what she might be involved with, it's just not as clear as a weekly email would be. 

Perspective often helps when things in life don't seem fair according to what we thought would happen. Often understanding comes in retrospect, or through insights like these.
I am grateful to have a wonderful beginning of the 20's for March. Our anniversary has been nice going to lunch at Peli Peli and also assisting Larry while he installed a new kitchen faucet.

 If you were to ask Larry about our anniversary, he'd say lunch was great, but any plumbing repair he ever does brings many frustrating moments.  Funny how one simple job often brings light to other needed repairs and additional trips to the hardware store.
 Isn't that the way life is?  Fun and exciting events mixed with everyday struggles and frustrations, interspersed with joyous and tragic events.  The trick is to learn how to experience the journey while allowing the changes that will mold us into who we need to become.

Blessings come from waiting on the Lord Gratitude post 35

I listened to this song today and realized how many blessings have come because of not feeling like he was blessing me. In the process of the struggle, going into the valley of bitterness and sorrow, my greatest blessings have come.
I have experienced the blessings of struggling to get up one more time. I am grateful to have had the 1,000 sleepless nights, the healing that has come through more tears then I ever thought were possible for a body to create. This greatest trial of my life, is becoming his mercies in disguise, and for this I am grateful. To have come to recognize how many things I was prideful in and needed humbling and a greater understanding of charity. 

One of the attributes of charity is long suffering. 

 What if the the sweet experiences I have recently had,

 came early after Madie died?  

Would I have understood the beauty of the healing blood of Christ if it had come without the length of the struggle, during the fog of the first two years?  I believe that through the extension of time,  the enduring lessons seem more poignant. 

 I'm grateful to have written about this journey, because I can go back and see that time and time again, he showed me his love.  Even so it was extremely difficult to hold onto the peace he gave. 

The pain was so raw;

 so deep.

As the pain of grieving came back over and over, and the drops of healing came little by little,

 the pain was much bigger then the drops. 

The anguish seemed to always win. 

As  life moved along and other challenges were heaped upon the already existing pain, this was where my greatest trials and eventually healing came. It was here, that showing any amount of faith became exhausting, and grueling. 

 In these moments I gave into the anguish and wondered If he heard my pleas, and if I would ever feel alive again. 

I can say that in the struggle, and the depths of the pain, that I have had the sweetest life changing experiences. I have felt engulfed in a love that defies all description.

 I know who I am; 

a precious daughter of a loving Father in Heaven.

 I have been succored by my Savior Jesus Christ.

 I've been repeatedly humbled, and hope to never take up the banner of pride that I carried so proudly.
 I hope to be his hands, and find others to lift. That is the prayer of my heart. I am grateful for the blessings he has showered upon me, and for his light illuminating my life.

MarShae Morris, "The Diva's Medley", One of my favorite performances of MarShae's!