The little girls...

Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters...

I have wanted to write about Madie and MarShae's relationship for awhile, but other things have taken priority, and I also wasn't sure that I was ready to go down the path of what has now ended.

A little history... I always wanted sisters close to my age, because I felt so alone being sandwiched between 4 brothers. When MarShae was born I realized I would finally get to experience sisters close in age vicariously.

Madie was the family princess which was a natural occurrence because she and Taylor were almost 5 years apart in age. So with three older brothers and a sister, it was exciting for the entire family when Madie was born. Two years later when MarShae came along the spotlight was broadened to "the little girls". Often I would give directions, "watch the little girls", "put the little girls to bed", "would someone please go play with the little girls", "please clean up the mess the little girls made". I think in many ways their names disappeared for several years, and they were a unit. When  Marielle was born over four years later she was easily added to the club. They were the M&M girls

Madie and MarShae spent so much time together playing make believe, dress up, watching and acting out movies or musicals, singing groups, shared rooms etc. If Madie liked something, then MarShae liked it too.  That means if Madie didn't like something then MarShae also didn't like it.

 With the different directions their four older siblings were going, the little girls had an excessive amount of time together. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that they developed a twin telepathy.  It just kind of happened.  (I wasn't really paying attention to it too much because to be honest, my life was in crazy zone much of the time. Balancing schedules, and activities, not to mention that I seemed to spend a good part of my first 20 years of marriage either nursing or pregnant, especially when you also add the four pregnancies I lost.)   As the family grew and children started leaving home, there became more and more time to divide myself to those left behind, and I became more aware. Our family dynamics really changed when Taylor left for college. 

 I will never forget about a month after he was gone, I was having a conversation with Madie, and she seemed somewhat annoyed.  I finally asked,  "Are you uncomfortable with all the attention that has now shifted to you?"  She quickly replied, "Yes!" 
 I told her she'd better get used to it, and  began working to reestablish a closer relationship with her.

 I have thought numerous times over the past year, "what if I had left things as they were?"

 Madie would have been more comfortable,
                           life would have been easier, (there were some difficult moments), and yet I wouldn't be able to say with her passing that I have minimal regrets, and for that I am grateful!
Back to the little girls. 
 The last couple of years that Madie lived at home their twin telepathy started getting my attention.  We would be driving down the road and they would simultaneously start singing the same song, often in the exact same place. they'd look at each other and crack up laughing!  They often would complete each other's sentences, it was ridiculous seeing it in action. 

 I will never forget just days before Madie died I was standing in the kitchen and MarShae freaked out, stating, "Madie just sent me the exact same text about "One Direction" that I texted her.
 Madie immediately texted back  " I think that it's awesome we both said that!  It proves that our "twin telepathy  is still working :D"

Right after I got word that Madie had died, (while I was freaking out by the front door with the police officer with  MarShae trying to comfort me) MarShae said, " You always said we were like twins, and you still have me".   I responded, "if anyone could live for two, it would be you".

 It's crazy the things I remember about Nov 20,2012.  I clearly recall that interchange with MarShae, but I don't remember much of my other conversations that I had with my children as I told them, maybe because I went into some kind of shock, I really don't know.  I do remember very clearly talking to Taylor though, that is also a very precise memory, maybe because I kind of snapped out of my hysteria and was extremely calm when I spoke with him.
Regardless, in honor of  "the little girls", I will let their pictures tell the rest of the story.

Dresses my mother made for me that I wore in the 60's

Birthday's always together!

They look like they could be in a sitcom

Check out the hair clips they managed to put in their doll

Madie's first day of 1st grade, MarShae is along for the ride

Matching sparkle shoes with their bff's Katri and Dannee

It's our little secret...

Christmas Day with twin dolls 
(MarShae personally hated that her doll had short hair because she had finally gotten her hair grown out from her personal triple haircut in one week)

flower girls

Did I mention that I loved matching dresses?

The plastic table cloth

Dish time on tippy toes

Marielle is wearing the twin doll's dress

Houston Zoo 2002
(check out that hand hold)

One of many trips to Galveston

secret family treats
 A Valentines tradition their entire lives 

Ryan and Klara's wedding day

First photo shoot with Rachelle down by the creek, that came to be our escape into another world

Peter's birth 2009                              

 Christmas 2009

   Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters...

Rangers Baseball game and some karaoke, summer 2010

The little girls idolized Ro, the big sis who showed them the ropes, with plenty of fun!!

Sterling and Kathy's Wedding

Madie's 17th birthday party!

                       

May 2011 New York/ Conn trip

Sisters together at the birth of their nephew Joseph

Aug 2011 Galveston for Taylor's American Idol  call back

Homecoming Week Madie's senior & MarShae's freshman yr

          Music field trips to perform for Elementary Schools 2011

                   Youth Leader camp out March 2012

A lifetime dream of the little girls was to perform in a musical together on  Klein High School's stage, where they had watched their brothers perform since they were little.

Madie's senior year, MarShae's freshman year "Once Upon a Mattress" became a family event, as Larry, Marielle and I spent many hours helping in various ways with the production.. No regrets!

Madie injured her eye during a dress rehearsal but only missed one performance

Tommy Tune Awards/ performing at the Hobby Center a scene from Once Upon a Mattress

             Cast party the little girls doing their thing... SINGING

Trek for Youth Conference 2012

Twin day taken seriously 2012

      Always connected...  Sawyer's Prom at Oak Ridge High

Still connected, Sawyer's graduation day

Madie graduated 21st from Klein High, Magna cum laude 

Sister trip to Dallas with Rachelle. Early June, before Madie left for summer term @ BYU

MarShae went to Young Ambassador camp at BYU and spent 16 days with Madie in her dorm.  A complete miracle to get permission for that to happen!

Madie's last night at home and the last picture of "The little girls" together Aug. 23, 2012

After sixteen amazing years together the duo's been split, both with missions to accomplish.

             My guess is Madie is never very far away...

The morning ritual...

This morning as I have been working my way back to "happy" from yesterdays sideswiped anniversary experience, I came across this picture and it literally stopped me in my tracks. 

 First the words are something I have come to know, 
             not believe, but know! 

 Every experience that I go through in my life is essential for my personal eternal progression.  About five months ago I had a very sacred experience with this concept. Because of this there is no doubt that Madie dying was a necessary challenge that I needed to experience to become who I really am, a divine creation of my Heavenly Father  one of his daughters.
 In his great love and wisdom he understands the big picture of my life's experiences. He lovingly knows that the difficulties of my life are opportunities to help me become the creation that I have always longed to become. 
I just wish I could remember my life with him as a spirit learning and desiring to come to earth to have these horrific experiences to chisel and refine the natural, selfish me.
With the limited vision that is referred to in 
1 Corinthians 13:12   For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known,  I gain understanding.

 I have loved this scripture since I read it after my first miscarriage before my pregnancy with Madie. This taught me that so much of what I do here on the earth is through faith that better things are to come, and part of my experience here is to not have a complete knowledge of who I am.  The challenge is to become as I struggle with the natural man of the flesh. 

So here life is, another morning.  For the past eleven months as consciousness comes across my mind, I go through the repeated process of waking from my dreams into a nightmare. 
I usually lay in bed, thoughtful as to how to proceed with yet another day.  I take that time to be still and think, to ponder on how I want to face the new day. 

 Knowing there are challenges yet to unfold,  but also with the understanding that until I don't wake up from my dreams into my nightmare, 

I have to find the best course of action to get me to my dreams permanently...

               and that is a lot of waking up to do...

11 months... Sideswiped

I woke up this morning realizing what day it was and felt like I was in a good place not to give too much emotion to the anniversary, because every hour of everyday that I am awake Madie is always someplace on my mind.  It isn't like I forget what has happened or that it goes away for awhile.  At times it definitely feels like it happened to someone else, but this morning I was fully aware and thought I would sail through the day... 
Then it happened, a series of unfortunate events... It really doesn't matter what they were, the point is, I am tired of this awful rug pulled out from under me life that just feels so unpredictable. 

Church:  Well from the moment I walked in and the opening hymn was How Great Thou Art, I knew that something was aligning against my emotions staying in check.  I recalled clearly 11 months ago when I was hysterically crying MarShae getting her viola out opening our hymn book, thumbing through and decided to start playing this hymn.  We wouldn't know for at least a week that Madie had sung a solo of it at her ward family prayer less than 48 hours before she died.  

Some recent history: I have been gone from my home ward for 3 weeks and as MarShae, Marielle and I walk in a few minutes late (in front of the congregation) on the side door we always come in on, I look around and Larry isn't sitting anywhere close to where we would normally sit.  He had a meeting an hour before so it wasn't like he didn't get there early enough, but everyone is looking at us like we are deer in headlights, and then people start pointing and there he is sitting on the other side of the room.  Well, we aren't going to walk across the whole chapel in front of everyone, so we find a place to squeeze in about 8 rows back. 

Another fact: Our family has sat on the front center row for years, (not that we have our name on the bench or anything) because I usually play the 2nd hymn and it is easy to go up and come back down from there.  So all the way through the opening hymn, that I can't even sing I am thinking "pull yourself together because you have to go play in a few minutes". Pulled together, I stand after the opening prayer as a lady across the isle stands as well, she shrugs and says "I was asked to play, do you want to play?"  Well with being gone for the past two Sundays I think "what the heck?  Sure, I don't really care, (other than I have played the sacrament hymn for years, and okay, good to know that I wasn't let in on this till I had stood up), and I am feeling  absolutely ridiculous now, which isn't helping my situation at all." 

 I sit back down and wait for her to start playing and think "what am I even doing here today?  It is the 11 month anniversary of Madie's death, most people are now pretty tuned out to that, and here I am, a popping up and down spectacle who now can't quit crying because I am embarrassed, and emotional and wondering why there isn't a trap door for me to fall into so I can disappear until this day is over."  

Then as if that wasn't a good enough sideswipe, today is the primary program (annual children's program) and it is full of songs that are all about eternal families, temples, I am a child of God, not to mention, sisters in matching dresses. 

 I have conducted so many of these in my lifetime, so I have floods of memories with so many of the songs,and I truly want to run away and never come back.  But no, I  am the only parent sitting with my girls, so I stay, and it is just personally awful.  I sit through agony telling myself "you don't have to do anything that brings this much pain", and yet the mother in me says "you don't run away" and if you did everyone would know you were having an awful time, so I sit and the waterfall just flows, and my head is pounding...Then it is finally over and I run, well not exactly...  I exit as fast and discretely  as I possible can. 

 I am home and it is so much easier to be safe away while I am crying.  This isn't well written, but it is today, it is what happened.  I wasn't going to write at all, but the truth is sometimes even when I think I have it together... I just plain get sideswiped and find out I don't, and who knows when I really will, and this is the messy complications of grief...
I came across this video later today, and found again help that came with the right words, when I was feeling like the journey was just too hard today...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJKmXtoMI5s&feature=share

Diversions

Shopping?                   
                           "Yes please!" 

                      
  Traveling? 
                         "I'm right on it!" 

  Scrumptious food? 
           "The only type worth eating"...

   

Facebook,  Instagram...

 while entertaining and with some great merits,
 it's also another way to escape the passage of life that currently feels devoid of passion...

Diversions take on many forms and often are how I've thrown  interest into my life, and feel they have been great healing tools, and yet I wonder where the balance is...

I just enjoyed a ten day trip to Utah,

                 attending General Conference for the first time

 seeing Bailee and Taylor perform in the BYU Homecoming Spectacular 

with Rachelle and many friends,

  walking around BYU's campus,finding Madie's dorm,

exploring Provo

 trying to make sense of her really being gone.

My last morning in Utah I hiked up Rose Canyon and found myself completely away for any sign of human life.

 I only recently pieced together that the rose street signs that are everywhere in Herriman, Utah 

where I have visited 3 times since Madie died, are because this whole area was Rose Canyon before the homes which were built a few years ago. 
As I was nearing the end of my hike, I came across 3 deer; a buck, doe, and tiny fawn.  I immediately thought of my parents and Madie, a perfect little "hello". 

 So many aspects of the hike reminded me most especially of my dad and Madie.  it was a great way to end this journey to Utah.

As I returned home Monday night and found myself staring normalcy in the face, I struggled . When it was time to get out of bed the next morning, I found myself wanting to hide away into the world of sleep.  But, responsibility stepped in because Marielle needed a parent up while she got out the door to school.

I have felt this distressing reality looming overhead that it doesn't matter how much I escape or diverse, I have to at some point recognize the motive behind my behavior and decide if I am going to keep doing these things (which are blowing through money at a great rate of speed) or come to terms with routine, and the emptiness that is a constant battle within since losing Madie.  I figured  it was time to write and see what was going on inside my head...

I remembered 14 years ago when I had my last miscarriage at 15 weeks at the age of 40, Ryan was a senior in High School, I had six 6 children ranging from 3-17 years old, and I felt this unsettled feeling similar to what I am experiencing lately.  I didn't know what to do then and struggle with what to do now.  Most individuals in my life 14 years ago advised me to be finished and grateful for the children I had.  I clearly remember answers to my pleading heart about whether I should throw in the towel, (I had lost the last 2 pregnancies), or try again.  I sat down with a piece of paper and on one side I wrote the pros and on the other the cons to getting pregnant again.  Both lists were long but in the end I could see that if I got pregnant and delivered a baby that every opposing con was instantly wiped out. Even though this situation was very different, the feelings seem similar.  The perception of "I have tried so hard to do this, and I find myself feeling pretty beat up."
 I again pondered on all the things that have helped me over the past several months, and even with this understanding there are days when it is hard to find the courage to go through the same motions.  Stopping the addictions, diversions, escapes; whatever name I want to put on it sometimes leaves me numb to life.  I realized the only fear that seems prevalent in my life is "could the rest of my life be this devoid of passion?"

As I have pondered on this over the past 24 hours I have come to realize that in a very real way there are big changes that have happened to me in the past 10+ months.  First I have lost fear in most areas.  A state that used to dictate much of my daily decisions.  I lived in a box with fears of migraines, traveling, getting hurt, eating unhealthy, something happening that would be challenging to one of my children, a constant state of worry seemed to permeate much of my life.  Ironically these fears were washed away with so much else, on that fateful morning of  Nov 20, 2012. 

For example, on my last morning hike up Rose Canyon, I was in an unfamiliar place completely isolated, without telling anyone where I was, and yet I felt complete peace.  I wasn't worried, or scared about if something happened to me.  It was drizzling when I took off and I didn't have appropriate rain gear, but I didn't care.  I actually kind of liked the feeling of the light rain, that turned to snow. My hands and feet were freezing, yet I realized that in part it made me feel more alive.  This made me start examining how much my other diversions are doing the same.  
I saw the correlation. 

When Madie died there was a part of me that I created, that had died, gone without a goodbye.  I've come to believe that all of my diversions make me feel more alive.  They're out of my normal routine, reckless to some degree from who I have always been, and yet freeing also to not live with so many fears.  Living in a reality of  my worst nightmare (except if violence had been involved)  I have a sense of carelessness that I can't remember ever having. I have come to understand that stepping outside my box that I lived in for my adult life has been freeing, but it is also very strange for me, and for my family as well.  MarShae recently mentioned that I am a mother she has never known.  I thought that was very insightful because many days I don't know myself either, another strange aspect to my current life.  

I am not saying these diversions are bad necessarily, because I think new things, give us stimulation and enjoyment.  I do believe it is a short term fix, but I also perceive that the alternative is often not getting dressed or going anywhere for days, It's complicated at best!  I don't want to rely on the "fix" or "high" that I get from the adrenaline rush or excitement of a purchase, some delectable food, vacation, etc. 

 So what to do... I believe recognizing the pattern is the first step.  I precieve that it has been helpful to have these diversions because it helped to teach me that I need to find a middle ground somewhere.  Not seeking the thrill, but also not stuck immobilized either.

I can say that so much of what I spent this past month doing was amazing.  I am grateful for each experience, and that there were so many things to be excited about and something to look forward to.  I had a wonderful time, but I also realize that I am not being financially solvent, or responsible as a parent to my last two girls, and need to establish a balance.

 I have felt splintered in so many different ways.  First and foremost, dealing with my own broken heart. Second is staying as connected as possible to Larry as we both try to understand our own journey of grieving the lose of our daughter.  Right behind this is concern for each of my children who are trying to figure out how this has forever changed them and how to process their new life. 

A fork in the road...
 Grateful for the understanding of my behavior, with the challenge of how to proceed, and the determination to keep putting one foot in front of the other regardless of how messy this journey is.    

Also eliminating pressure on myself as I discover and face the fear of "will the rest of my life be devoid of passion?"  I am grateful for the writing process that helps me understand my wanderings and gives them a voice,  hopefully so that I can comprehend what I am really dealing with and running from.  

I firmly believe that healing will come, that a semblance of joy will return, but also understanding that complete joy will not be a part of my life till our family is again reunited with Madeline Rose, 

who was close enough to perfect to be taken from the challenges of living in our world today. 

She does give me the inspiration to want to strive to be better each day so that through the grace of my Savior Jesus Christ I can be reunited with her again.

And that is where complete peace comes...

Healing in Utah...

I have been in Utah now for over a week.  So many wonderful experiences that have been really wonderful.  Last weekend I was able to attend General Conference for my first time. It was amazing and such a great experience.  I felt a close connection to Madie as I stood where she had stood only a year ago for her first and only time.  We sang the same intermediate hymn she had sung with Rachelle just a year earlier.  I was standing with Taylor and Bailee on one side and Wendy Eldredge on the other.

I stayed with my wonderful friend Amy Jo Stanford, and we spent wonderful moments in Park City shopping, having lunch, and soaking up the beauty of Utah in the fall.  I hiked the hills behind Amy's house where everything was about roses.  Rose Canyon is behind her home so everywhere there are rose streets or symbols.  I gazed over the valley of Utah from so many different places and soaked in the beauty and clean crisp fall air.  I took a side trip with my sister in law Suzanne over to visit her daughter Heather and her husband Greg and adorable Alex.  We hiked in Ephraim another place of wonder.

I then returned to witness the most powerful moment I have ever experienced with a child of mine.  As I was sitting in the Marriot Center both Thursday and Friday nights watching as a video was shared with Taylor and Bailee sharing moments from their journey since the night before the accident, seeing pictures of my beautiful Madeline Rose as Taylor's voice was in the background I had to stop and just soak in what was happening.  People around me both nights were silent and tears were fresh as he spoke about his personal journey with losing our sweet Madie, and his fight to recover physically and heal emotionally as well.  He then was able to sing a couple of songs with the Young Ambassadors as a soloist, and then Joined Nathan Pacheco and Rebecca Pederson who had just won the New York metropolitan Opera competition this year.  It was a moment to remember as I saw my son do the most courageous thing with his sweet wife who has been such a great support to him and our family.  

I am so grateful to all the friends who came out to support us and see the show, and experience this moment with our family.  I will never forget Rachelle reaching over and patting my hand as my emotions surfaced and tears streamed down my face.  

I wouldn't have ever asked for this journey that the last 10 and a half months has given to me and yet I can say that I am grateful to have learned so much about myself and others in a short time period. 

As I am spending my last day in Utah today I felt I needed to go and find where Madie lived, and walk up to her apartment to just know where she spent her time while she was here.  I woke early and walked about a mile and a half to where she lived, then walked across campus and just pondered on her last few months here in Provo.  I remembered clearly visiting BYU 18 years ago when she was a year old for Education Week with Judy Yano.  It was my first time to visit and stay at BYU.  Even though I felt lost most of the time, I remember thinking this would be a great place for my kids to come and go to school.  I loved the mountains and the beauty of everything. I remembered this morning how I felt it would be a safe place they could come.  I thought about the irony of those thoughts but then realized that it was a safe place.  My children that have come here have received a great education and had the privileged of also being in an environment where they could foster their spiritual development if they chose to do so.  I realized it was here in Madie's Book of Mormon class that she felt strongly that she was being prepared to serve a mission.  I am grateful that it impacted her the way it did so that she became someone who was ready to meet her Savior and Heavenly Father again.  I miss her more than I could ever begin to explain, at times it takes my whole breath away and leaves me feeling so vulnerable, but I must say that I am grateful to know that her last months on earth were in such a beautiful place.  I am grateful to have seen that her housing was so convenient to everything.  She loved her time here, and I am grateful she got to live in the beautiful new dorms, with such a beautiful location.

I am grateful...

Several months ago a man that I highly respect asked me if I had thanked my Heavenly Father for taking Madie home and my experiences since then.  I immediately teared up when he asked me because it was as far from my mind or ability to comprehend as I could imagine.  He promised me that when I could find gratitude for losing her that I would find a peace that was unattainable otherwise. 

 As I have struggled up and down,and all over the place since then I have often asked myself how I was doing in regards to this. It has been something that in my heart I knew would help me but my mind screamed differently for many reasons.  

I decided after pondering on it for a couple of days that I could start with being grateful for being Madie's mother, 

and for the wonderful memories and experiences that we shared. I often would remind myself to be looking for positive experiences or blessings that have occurred because of her death.  This has helped to change my focus often when it is in a very low place, but sometimes I have decided to allow the grief and not try to band-aide it that day because it just felt too roller coaster all day, so I called the day a wash  and started over the next day.

Today I went to our church services which once a month is fast and testimony meeting.  The inspiration behind this concept practiced throughout our church is that we fast as a church once a month for specific things that we want to focus our fast on.  Then we take the money from the meals we would have eaten as a family and contribute what we can to the fast offering fund in our church...  This is voluntary, but provides a way to help others who are struggling with financial needs.  It also allows us the blessing of learning about how to overcome the natural man by giving up food and water if possible for two meals.

  When we attend our Sunday worship where we partake of the sacrament we then have the opportunity on our fast Sunday to share our testimonies of our Savior Jesus Christ, the Restoration of the Gospel as well as a short time to share an uplifting experience if we would like.

I felt as I was pondering before our meeting started that I was to share my testimony that day.   I am grateful that I did.  As I briefly explained my journey of trying to find a grateful heart for losing Madie, many things started flowing into my mind that I have come to be grateful for.  I want to record them and others that have come to me as I have written this so I will remember them when days are difficult.

I am grateful that I was Madie's mother and that she was preparing to serve a mission when she died.

I feel after reading her journals that she was in a wonderful place of striving to do what God would have her do and giving up her will and desires to meet his.  I am grateful that I don't have to worry about her and that I know she is with our Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.

I am grateful that I have gained a deeper understanding of  charity as so many acts of charity have been performed for our family in the last 10 months.

 I am grateful that Taylor has recovered in miraculous ways and that I have been a witness of the miracles that God can perform.

I am grateful that he has been able to heal physically, but that he is also healing emotionally and spiritually from the crash that left him with such a heavy burden.

I am grateful that his life was spared 

and that Bailee saved his life.

I am grateful for hundreds of personal witnesses that God is aware of me and my daily struggles, and has brought me relief in countless ways.

I am grateful that I have two daughters still living at home, (and now five adorable grandkids)

that have given me reasons to find the ability to pull myself up out of my despair and grief, and have often been there to comfort me when they heard me crying in the middle of the night, or other times even though I have tried to do so privately.

I am grateful for mothers, fathers, friends 

                                     
                                    and neighbors 

who have stepped in and offered support to us as we dealt with the complications of our family having such a difficult challenge that flattened us as a unit.

I am grateful for friends new and old who have found ways to lift my heavy heart or help with my work load so that I can find some aspects of happiness, because I wasn't too motivated to cook and clean and do what I have done for the past 31 years.

I am grateful that I have seen witnessed to me repeatedly that if there is a desire that I have that is good that the Lord has helped it to happen in a very indirect way.

I am grateful to see my children learn that they can do really hard things, and that they learned to handle the pressure of their world as they knew it suddenly disintegrated, with so many aspects that were foreign to each of us.

I am grateful for the priesthood healing blessing that I received the day of the accident, that facilitated me to be able to do many things that weren't possible before.  I had not traveled for several years because of severe migraines that I would get that repeatedly left me very sick for a few days.

 I found myself traveling and eating whatever food was given, found or desired.  I found that my body responded in ways I knew it hadn't for years, and I knew that God had blessed me in a very tangible way to be able to do many things that were necessary and to also have fun.  I am grateful for the opportunities to travel which has given me time with Taylor that I haven' had since he left home in 2007. Many people have helped make this possible.

I am grateful to Randy and Sue Boothe who have been second parents to Taylor and Bailee as this year unfolded taking Taylor in their home. Feeding, dressing and bathing him while he regained his independence.  I am grateful that Taylor and Randy had developed a close bond before the accident 

which made it so much easier for Taylor to recover than if he had come back to Houston and been away from Bailee, school that he was able to attend, and his friends in Utah who helped him have purpose and desire to recover quickly. 
 I am grateful that Taylor has a fighting spirit and worked so hard to regain his abilities to take care of himself.

 I am grateful that he was able to go to China for several weeks and perform with Young Ambassadors in April still wearing his back brace but able to soon remove it.

  I am grateful that he can still sing, and had a recovery of his voice as well as his physical body.  I am grateful that Bailee supported him through the ups and downs of his recovery, 

and sacrificed her illusion of what a courtship should look like.

I am grateful that Rachelle moved forward proactively starting RoseRunners to honor Madie,

 raising funds for Taylor's medical bills, and openly grieve as she turned to running as a way to cope. I am grateful for her support to each of her siblings.  I am grateful that she worked relentlessly on the funeral for Madie and had the presence of mind to be able to do it.

I am grateful to Sterling and Kathy

 who in a very young place in their marriage, found themselves taking care of our home, and children as Larry and I flew to Las Vegas to be with Taylor the day after the accident.  I am grateful for all the ways they have supported MarShae and Marielle as our family has struggled with finding a new normal.

I am grateful that Ryan and Klara have remained steadfast

as they have had a very stressful year with Ryan's work and Klara pregnant, adding a fifth child to a very busy life.  I am grateful that even though it has been hard they have worked to continue to do the essential things with their children, despite their personal needs.

I am grateful to Larry for being my rock as I grieved very differently then he, in fact I often wondered if he was even grieving.  He held so much of our family together being steadfast and immovable when I was vacillating all over the place emotionally.  I am grateful for covenants we have made to each other that have held our marriage together  as our world feel apart.

  I am grateful for a new purpose in striving to be better each day so that we can be with Madie again.

 I am grateful for the spiritual experiences that I have been through as I have walked this journey.  For coming to know the spirits voice differently then I have before, and also for all the angels that have attended me helping me to be safe and comforted as I have been so unfocused in many aspects of my life because my brain has always been inwardly focused on surviving this most horrible of experiences.  Last I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ who I have plead with repeatedly over the past ten months to help me, comfort me and to make me whole.

I am grateful for the temple!

I'm thankful to know that families can be together after this life, that this life is but a small moment in our entire existence.

I am grateful to know that regardless of anything else that I might go through in my life that I have survived the worst and know that I can survive and find some stability and purpose again regardless of what may happen.  It is comforting to know that I will always have this experience to draw on as I continue down the ups and downs of life.

I also understand that not everyday looks like this and it is okay on the days when it just feels too hard , because I have learned that the sun does come out again, and time will help pull me up again as I find my way back to gratitude.