Tay & Bay

Here's an (adorable) video introducing my son and soon to be daughter-in-law, Taylor and Bailee.

Finding daylight when the unthinkable happens...

       

On November 20, 2012 The unthinkable happened,  two of my children were involved in a tragic accident leaving Madeline Rose instantly dead, and Taylor broken, literally dying at the scene.    

Taylor had proposed to Bailee, just hours before, and to surprise her family the three of them left to go to Arizona for Thanksgiving.  The trip was going splendidly, excitement, singing, sharing, planning. Suddenly their world turned upside down, and life as each of us close to them knew it, was instantly changed.

Bailee was able to miraculously help Taylor, saving his life until help arrived at the scene.  The accident happened in Orderville Utah, where their grandfather was born, but a place that they were passing through for the first time in their lives… Bailee felt help from above guiding her, calming her, giving her clarity of thought while experiencing this personal nightmare. I believe that there were deceased family members there, cheering her on, giving her knowledge to save Taylor’s life. Miracles happened, and have continued to happen, as I try to find who I am after the unthinkable happens. 

The journey begins….

I had a profound experience Nov.23^rd, in the early morning hours as sleep escaped me. Into my mind came the words, “Are you still Grateful?”  I had been writing gratitude posts everyday of November, a new experience for me, but I believe it prepared me for this tragic event. I wrestled with this thought…I was grateful, Taylor was alive, he wasn’t paralyzed, in fact with his broken neck and three vertebrates in his back, I answered, “yes… but no” I was grateful for the miracles surrounding Taylor, and heartbroken at the concept of life without my sweet girl..

 Into my mind came the words, “you could write about it and it would bless peoples’ lives, but it is your choice.”  I decided to attempt to write something, and wrote my first entry on facebook.  As soon as I started typing it was like pure intelligence flowed from my fingers.  I couldn’t type fast enough for what was coming to my mind. I haven’t ever written in my life, and now this?  I knew my Heavenly Father was showing me, directing me, teaching me and I would write, even though at times it has been difficult to be so open, transparent, and vulnerable.  I have found myself relying on help from angels seen and unseen, as the journey to finding light has been one of the hardest, most gut wrenching experiences of my life... Finding "joy" in the journey, a road less traveled... 

where to begin...

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny

                                                                                      C. S. Lewis.   

Looking for the light, when shadows fill our lives

Marielle braving her new life with playfulness, as innocence was shattered

Larry and I back where we began... Hiking in Zion's National park minutes away from the crash site where we held hands for the first time 33 years ago... April 24,2013

April 15, 2013
I woke up this morning unable to really face another day, knowing the rest of my life I would wake up to the same thoughts coursing through my brain, Madie is dead...

 Since I also had taxes unfinished, a messy house, and an ongoing headache, it made it hard to face the day. It was one of the hardest I have faced... 
Knowing that I had nothing that motivated me to put one foot in front of the other, except the dreaded taxes that were still unfinished.. I pushed myself to the computer, listened to a conference talk, prayed extensively, wrote in my journal, worked on taxes, and still just wanted to throw in the towel. If it hadn't been for the events that I later found out about, I wouldn't be writing tonight, I wanted to keep these thoughts private, and yet I felt that left unsaid, means they don't exist. 
When tragedy happens we all want to see the family is doing well, that they are doing normal things...that they are going to be fine. The truth is it seems to only get harder with the passage of time. I am not looking for sympathy or pity quit the contrary, just documenting parts of my journey through this.
I have been very close to two friends who lost children, and I remember that my life continued on. I supported them, but also I had a full plate, lots of children, activities, very busy days. Now I know the emptiness of trying to find passion for something. I find many band aides that help for awhile. The truth is there really is " A grief that can't be spoken, and the pain goes on and on"... More than great lyrics.. truth. To be on the other side, with wisdom of both sides is a very interesting perspective.
As I learned of this second tragedy in two days, somewhere inside of me I felt this horrible sadness. I knew family's lives were forever altered, forever changed...that a redo of the day would be their greatest desire...I don't understand the whys of tragedies, I do understand that there is the strangest disconnect from who you used to be... It is as though I am a hollow shell trying to find anything to grasp on to, to give me a smile or reason to keep trudging along, with emotions that are like a wave, up and down.....

Then something happens...

 I walk outside and find a white rose that appeared out of nowhere on Madie's rose bush, and I know that my desperate pleas that I felt went unnoticed were heard. That the floodgates of tears from the past four days, were recognized and that as hard as it is each time I hit bottom, if I show patience and the smallest amount of faith, the darkness and gloom are somehow replaced for awhile until the next wave hits....

Firsts... Prom, weddings and such...

 Firsts... I can't believe how many things I have had to do for the first time since Madie died that have been so difficult.  Last week I found myself doing hand sewing all week getting a dress ready for MarShae to wear to prom.  Honestly, I didn't think I would be doing another formal until MarShae’s senior year for prom because part of doing the dresses for Madie last year was that MarShae would be also able to wear them.  That illusion was shattered…   but seriously it would be too weird, too soon, too memorialized right now. Besides she needed to know she was the girl of the night, right?  Even so, the task completely overwhelmed me… Thankfully I had a dear friend who could see MarShae’s needs, shopped with me for fabric, constructed the basic dress and encouraged me to be able to take on the lace work and finish the dress.  So grateful! 

 I know what "real" angels feel like...

Almost ready, last touches... Prom 2012

Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle... 
Everything  I do is stitched with it's color.
Senior Prom 2012 Madeline Rose 

I was literally up to my eyeballs in MarShae’s dress, crying often as memories flooded my mind of a short year ago when I was in crunch time on Madie’s prom dress, when I was kindly asked if I could possibly do one of Madie's friends hair for her wedding in two days. I burst into tears when I read the message, not knowing how I could even do something so soon, so personal,   what I always did for Madie, on her friend's wedding day… So hard, and yet I felt like Madie would want me to.

Homecoming Senior Year with Sawyer

A little history… Madie's first date was with this couple and she adored them.  We talked extensively about them when she was trying to figure out if she should go to college in a relationship with Sawyer.  It was a dream that I shared with Madie, a possibility, an illusion,,,  No wedding, no happily ever after… how could I do this… I called her mother and she was so kind, understanding that it might be hard both physically and emotionally for me to do.

They shared with me that a hairdresser had done her hair the previous Saturday  for bridal portraits.  It wasn’t what they had hoped for, then it started raining so the photo shoot was canceled.  They said a prayer asking who could maybe do her hair and give her the look she wanted for her wedding day. My name came to both of them…

 I wondered who was playing with my life… I had earlier that day decided I didn't want to attend the reception because I thought it would be too hard, now this choice... I did the only thing I could, I prayed.  I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father and told him how overwhelmed I was with the dress and also I didn't know if I could do her hair. I felt like it was something I have the talent to do, but not sure the heart to be able pull it off.  I again felt Madie would want me to do her friends hair, so I  agreed and went back to sewing, tears rolling down my cheeks. I asked my Savior to sustain me and help me accomplish the tasks at hand.  So many times I felt encouraged while sewing MarShae’s dress, interspersed with flashbacks of Madie's prom exactly a year ago.  I felt prompted numerous times to go put on a conference talk, read scriptures, read Madie's journal...  It always lightened my burdens..

I knew the spirits voice...

 I awoke early and prayed to have the strength and ability to do her hair, knowing how important her day was....  I saw pictures and went to work not sure if I could make it happen.  I found myself crying and silently praying. My brain was so scattered, I don't know how I did her hair, but it happened. I was invited to come to the temple afterwards to see her in her dress while pictures were taken. Back to work on the dress, more tears.. Friends reached out as I stitched....I decided to go see and  was pleasantly surprised when I saw her. How perfect she looked.  It was like a masterpiece... 

 I knew who the "real" creator was...

 I was watching the bride and groom, in my own little world, really happy for the two of them, yet so aware of what wouldn't be happening for me. While taking everything in I had a chance encounter with an apostle who had been told of my situation.

 He came up to me, looked me in the eyes  put his hands on my arms, and spoke tender words of comfort to me.  I can't remember much of what he said, but I do know I felt enveloped in love.  It was as though my Savior stood there staring into my eyes with a love that consumed me..  It overwhelmed me to my very core, tears streamed down my cheeks, and I felt a love that is beyond description. I remember him gazing into my eyes and telling me that Heavenly Father doesn't allow us to have any experiences here in mortality that aren't necessary for our Eternal progression. I remember nodding my head in understanding of what he was telling me...

Timeless

I knew who the "real" healer was...

I marvel even as I write this of all of the sacred experiences I have had since Madie has died, for that I am so grateful to see the hand of God as he comes through, showing me his power.  

As for prom, well that was really amazing to have so much help come from different places that brought it all together. Messages, texts, rides, things dropped off, shoe shopping, her hat created, MarShae’s hair styled  by someone besides me.. I stitched till we put the dress on MarShae, added the completed hat, and just stood in awe at what had happened… Again I knew who the creator is, and for that I give thanks to my Heavenly Father for once again showing me nothing is too difficult… my trust and faith strengthened this week…

Pure joy... Makes it all worth the effort!

MarShae's first formal

                                                                  The design team

Five Months

April 20, 2013

Dear Madie,
Time.... I remember on many walks us discussing how time was flying by, or counting hours or days like an awaited event would never happen... My relationship to time is warped in a way I couldn't have imagined. Where memories have become something that are clung to, treasured. Time ceases to have measured meaning.
Has it really only been five months ago that my heart stopped beating, my adrenal glands went into overdrive, and my world became fluid? It feels like a different existence, and yet I can recall with clarity ever nuance of the frames of time of Nov. 20,2012. I remember the morning with preciseness, every detail leading up to the officer at our door... The piano lesson I taught, the conversation I was having with MarShae, the room I was going to finish painting that day....
I remember the smell of cigarettes on the officer's breath, the things he said, the trauma of my world spinning uncontrollably around me. I remember Marshae holding me telling me it was alright when my head was screaming that I couldn't be awake that this couldn't be, because you were suppose to have just left that morning... how could you be lying in a morgue in the same place your grandparents had been take for their burial? A place hours away from your dorm that you had only been to as a baby? How could Taylor be near death on his way to Las Vegas. So much didn't add up... My brain couldn't process the implications of what this meant...
I remember each of the phone calls... first to your father, than your siblings, then to Sawyer's mother, then to Mitzi and Christa... In a warping of time I soon had people coming from everywhere... helping, crying, holding me up, following me around trying to get me to drink water, that got stuck in my throat... I remember talking to Bailee, then to Taylor... I remember talking to Rachelle, the decision for her to fly to Las Vegas to be with Taylor....I remember that Marielle was across the street playing and I didn't want her to come home cause I didn't want her world to collapse, I wanted her to have a few more hours of innocence... I remember Sterling and Kathy arriving and thinking this is the worst birthday ever...How could I bring a child into the world on the same day a child left the world? I remember Ryan and Klara arriving, and the grand kids playing, their world still innocent... Everything about being a mother was construed, altered, floating,...
I remember Sawyer arriving, of knowing that his entire world had also just collapsed around him...
I remember that I needed a shower but didn't want to shower, because it meant I wasn't dreaming... I remember that Thanksgiving and Christmas suddenly didn't matter... nothing had meaning...
Everything in the passage of time has been altered...New ground has to be established. this is by far the hardest part right now..I feel like I am trying to drive on roads that are covered in black ice... no traction, no stability, because everything is evolving..
This week as so much has happened, I again find myself unable to process time. Tommy Tunes, felt like yesterday we were there with you and MarShae... yet One Direction that we discovered at the same time last year seemed like forever ago... So many tragedies that I didn't follow because I could only think of the many lives that were in their own warping of time...
Now this morning I looked through some photos and found this picture of you, in "your" white dress, and it felt like the beautiful spring morning outside beckoning me to soak up the beauty of nature, to remember you are in the beauty around me, saying hello... Remember the lessons you have taught me as your mother both in life, and in death...Clinging to the things I know. I know I will be with you again. I know that God is our Heavenly Father and that you are with him now. I know that Jesus Christ is my personal savior and atoned for every tear, anguish of heart that I have and will go through... I know that he broke the bands of death and that even though I am in my Friday of time that the glorious Sunday will come, when we will be reunited, and joy will fill my heart...
Until then stay close, help us get through this, and know that I will always remember what a rose really stands for... "you" Timeless beauty in every way...

Mount Karmel, Kane Co.

via kls.com November 26, 2012

MOUNT CARMEL, Kane County — A BYU student was killed and another was injured in a traffic accident last week.

Utah Highway Patrol Cpl. Todd Johnson said three people were traveling on U.S. 89 in Kane County on Nov. 20 about 6:30 a.m. when the driver apparently fell asleep and the car went off the road near Mount Carmel.

The vehicle flew off the embankment, did a "nose dive" into the ground and landed on its hood, he said.

The passenger in the backseat, Madeline Morris, 18, of Spring, Texas, was killed. The driver, her brother Taylor Morris, 23, also of Spring, Texas, suffered serious injuries and was taken to a nearby hospital, Johnson said. A 24-year-old woman from Arizona in the front passenger seat was not injured.

An assistance fund has been set up to help the family cover funeral costs and mounting medical bills.CLICK HERE to donate.

Beautiful Inside and Out

 SPRING, Texas — At the bottom of the bulletin board in Madeline Morris' bedroom hangs a quote by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, a former member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. "Kindness is the essence of greatness," it reads, and it was by those words that Madie lived her life.

The 18-year-old student at Brigham Young University was traveling with her brother and his fiance to spend Thanksgiving in Arizona when a tragic accident cut her life short: just before dawn, her brother, Taylor Morris, 23, fell asleep. The car went off the road near Mount Carmel.

The car landed upside down, but Taylor's fiancee, Bailee Brinkerhoff, was able to get out of the car and reach her cell phone to call for help. She propped Taylor up to drain the blood from his lungs while they waited for paramedics to arrive. Madie was killed instantly.

The group had not planned to leave that night — instead, they were going to wait for the morning — but Bailee and Taylor had gotten engaged the night of Nov. 19 and the trio could not wait to share the news with Bailee's family in Arizona. Their adrenaline carried them through most of the night, but after that morning, Taylor blamed himself for what had happened.

"His initial reaction was, ‘It's all my fault,'" according to Rachelle Morris, Taylor and Madie's sister. "Our mom told him he was never allowed to say that again. He said, ‘I just have to recognize the Lord saved me, and Madie was killed instantly. I have to recognize it was an accident. Now I just need to live my life in a way that embodies the spirit of Madie.'"

Greatness in the form of kindness — that was Madie's legacy. The family has received hundreds of notes from people who were touched by her kind words and sunny outlook. "Her smile and laugh was contagious,'" read one letter from a classmate at BYU. "She truly struck me as incredibly friendly and fun to be around," read another.

"She had a bright personality," "I admire her inner and outer beauty," "She was a wonderful person to be around." "She was a great light in the lives of all those who she met." Every letter said the same thing, according to Rachelle Morris: Madie went out of her way to say hi; her smile was effortless, genuine and beautiful.

Assistance fund:

An assistance fund has been set up to help the family cover funeral costs and mounting medical bills. Click here to donate.*

Morris said Madie was preparing to serve a mission for the LDS church. She, along with her three roommates, had made the decision afterPres. Thomas S. Monson announced in Octoberthat women could serve beginning at age 19, instead of 21.

After Pres. Monson made the announcement, Morris text messaged Madie to see if she had received an answer to her prayers about whether she should go. "YES!!!!!!!!!!" was the response. And as the two sisters stood in the Conference Center later that weekend, singing "Called to Serve," Morris put her arm around Madie's shoulders.

"It was one of the proudest sister moments you could have," she said.

Madie's bishop in her ward at BYU later wrote a letter to the Morris family, explaining that the two had discussed her serving a mission and how he admired the young woman's kindness, generosity and spirit. "He said the great thing was it was never fake," Morris said.

She doesn't know where Madie got the quote on her bulletin board that came to mean so much — "probably at Young Women's," she said — but the words embody her sister's spirit.

"She was great because she was so kind," she said. "Yes, she did well academically, and she was gorgeous, but she had to work so hard at being successful. She never let it get to her head."

Morris told stories of the sacrifices Madie made to be successful in school — how she worked so hard to be successful where perhaps other people would have accepted defeat. It started in third grade, after Madie had been testing in the bottom quartile in reading for three years. "She realized she was not really a successful student, and she committed to becoming one of the ‘smart kids,'" Morris said.

By the end of fourth grade, Madie was reading at her grade level, and by the end of fifth grade, she was testing into middle school honors classes. And the same thing happened when she took the ACT: not happy with a low score the first two times she took the test, she studied for three months to get her score to where it needed to be for BYU.

"She established early on a foundation of hard work, patience, and dedication to excellence," Morris said. She said Madie realized she was never going to be the smartest kid in her class, but she could be the hardest working — and that was what was most remarkable about her success.

"I will miss her more than I will miss anyone or anything," Morris said. "There is no doubt in my mind what kind of person she was or what she is doing on the other side."