Beautiful Inside and Out

 SPRING, Texas — At the bottom of the bulletin board in Madeline Morris' bedroom hangs a quote by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, a former member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. "Kindness is the essence of greatness," it reads, and it was by those words that Madie lived her life.

The 18-year-old student at Brigham Young University was traveling with her brother and his fiance to spend Thanksgiving in Arizona when a tragic accident cut her life short: just before dawn, her brother, Taylor Morris, 23, fell asleep. The car went off the road near Mount Carmel.

The car landed upside down, but Taylor's fiancee, Bailee Brinkerhoff, was able to get out of the car and reach her cell phone to call for help. She propped Taylor up to drain the blood from his lungs while they waited for paramedics to arrive. Madie was killed instantly.

The group had not planned to leave that night — instead, they were going to wait for the morning — but Bailee and Taylor had gotten engaged the night of Nov. 19 and the trio could not wait to share the news with Bailee's family in Arizona. Their adrenaline carried them through most of the night, but after that morning, Taylor blamed himself for what had happened.

"His initial reaction was, ‘It's all my fault,'" according to Rachelle Morris, Taylor and Madie's sister. "Our mom told him he was never allowed to say that again. He said, ‘I just have to recognize the Lord saved me, and Madie was killed instantly. I have to recognize it was an accident. Now I just need to live my life in a way that embodies the spirit of Madie.'"

Greatness in the form of kindness — that was Madie's legacy. The family has received hundreds of notes from people who were touched by her kind words and sunny outlook. "Her smile and laugh was contagious,'" read one letter from a classmate at BYU. "She truly struck me as incredibly friendly and fun to be around," read another.

"She had a bright personality," "I admire her inner and outer beauty," "She was a wonderful person to be around." "She was a great light in the lives of all those who she met." Every letter said the same thing, according to Rachelle Morris: Madie went out of her way to say hi; her smile was effortless, genuine and beautiful.

Assistance fund:

An assistance fund has been set up to help the family cover funeral costs and mounting medical bills. Click here to donate.*

Morris said Madie was preparing to serve a mission for the LDS church. She, along with her three roommates, had made the decision afterPres. Thomas S. Monson announced in Octoberthat women could serve beginning at age 19, instead of 21.

After Pres. Monson made the announcement, Morris text messaged Madie to see if she had received an answer to her prayers about whether she should go. "YES!!!!!!!!!!" was the response. And as the two sisters stood in the Conference Center later that weekend, singing "Called to Serve," Morris put her arm around Madie's shoulders.

"It was one of the proudest sister moments you could have," she said.

Madie's bishop in her ward at BYU later wrote a letter to the Morris family, explaining that the two had discussed her serving a mission and how he admired the young woman's kindness, generosity and spirit. "He said the great thing was it was never fake," Morris said.

She doesn't know where Madie got the quote on her bulletin board that came to mean so much — "probably at Young Women's," she said — but the words embody her sister's spirit.

"She was great because she was so kind," she said. "Yes, she did well academically, and she was gorgeous, but she had to work so hard at being successful. She never let it get to her head."

Morris told stories of the sacrifices Madie made to be successful in school — how she worked so hard to be successful where perhaps other people would have accepted defeat. It started in third grade, after Madie had been testing in the bottom quartile in reading for three years. "She realized she was not really a successful student, and she committed to becoming one of the ‘smart kids,'" Morris said.

By the end of fourth grade, Madie was reading at her grade level, and by the end of fifth grade, she was testing into middle school honors classes. And the same thing happened when she took the ACT: not happy with a low score the first two times she took the test, she studied for three months to get her score to where it needed to be for BYU.

"She established early on a foundation of hard work, patience, and dedication to excellence," Morris said. She said Madie realized she was never going to be the smartest kid in her class, but she could be the hardest working — and that was what was most remarkable about her success.

"I will miss her more than I will miss anyone or anything," Morris said. "There is no doubt in my mind what kind of person she was or what she is doing on the other side."

Death, teacher of life

Death...A part of life that nothing prepares us for...my mother heart shattered, still beating... concerned with how my children are doing, so often not knowing...

Almost 4 months, yet I still find myself lost, wondering when life will not be so painful, knowing that I must do a few things every day....get out of bed, pray, fill my soul with nature, and spiritual insights, be grateful for something, anything... pray some more...cry...smile.. cry some more...

Death... it often comes unannounced...too soon, stopping the existence of another world... stripping the left behind to the core, yet somehow they must continue to mingle through the corridors of life, feeling misplaced, wanting to retreat to safety, realizing that you have few friends who understand your journey on any level, grateful that you don't have more, yet lonely as you find your way out of darkness into the light....

Death...teacher of life...

March 14,2013

Feb 27^th 2013 

Today is just one of those days... another paradigm shift.

Understanding that life is moving along and yet I still feel as shattered as ever. I feel like there is another level of goodbye
today.
As I watch her friends lives move along, doing things that she had planned, there is a place inside of me that screams, how can this be? How do I ever find a place of wholeness again? Why does it continue to hurt so deeply, and how long must I endure this pain? 

I know that there are people everywhere struggling with different problems, it is part of life's journey. I realize I am not the first or the last to walk this path, and yet I don't know how to continue to smile and give the appropriate answers, when the truth is I have a hole inside of me that isn't going away any time soon. It cuts to my very core, and is the most terrifying experience I have ever had to wake up to day after day. 
So even though life moves along for some, I find myself very much stuck in the past today, and I can't talk myself out of it, pray it away or pretend everything is okay because quit frankly, the truth is I can't imagine life without Madeline Morris in it... it just isn't okay with me...

Feb.23,2013  Heaven touched earth today.... In our Temples we do ordinance work for people who have died such as baptisms. This morning I felt a special connection with Madeline Morris, as her sisters were baptized for several of their direct ancestors. 

I haven't ever been able to find direct ancestors. Thursday was too crazy to not see that Madie was involved as these names were discovered. 

One being a 6th great grandmother on Larry's side whose birthday is today and also shares Rachelle Morris's birthday. 

The others were from my side including a 7th great grandmother, Anne Bennett (I know straight out of "Pride and Prejudice") and her daughter's Jane Taylor and her younger sister by almost 5 yrs., Ann Taylor. Too many coincidences as I watched my girls who are almost 5 yrs. apart do these sisters. 

I was baptized for their grandmother. Larry was baptized for the 6 males that were found including Anne Bennett's father in law William Taylor. When I named Taylor, I thought it was for my great grandfather's middle name which is Taylor, I didn't know about this family back there.

When we were driving home MarShae Morris discovered in a purse that belonged to Madie, an old temple recommend of Madie's from 2011 that she had lost inside a pocket of this purse. MarShae had last minute decided to use the bag because it matched a black jacket that she was wearing. It still had things of Madie's in it. Some makeup, a pocket sized Book of Mormon that I had inscribed a message, and given Madie at the beginning of her freshman year of high school, plus this recommend. 

Yes Madie's recommend came into the temple with us... coincidence... again I think not ♥  

Feb 20,2013  Thank you to everyone, who continues to read my entries. It is usually just a thought that is resolved as I write. 

The writing process has been therapeutic for me, but sometimes has been frustrating to implement the changes that feel so important to me, as I struggle to figure out who I am. Many things inside of me changed instantly three months ago today. I am learning to be kinder to myself and allow mistakes, even though my desire is to live life better. 

Since death is a part of life, there is an innocence that is stolen when death robs you of time that you took for granted. There is a fragileness that surrounds every waking moment. Never knowing for sure what unexpected situation may arise either in myself or someone closely connected to Madeline Morris dying so unexpectedly. It is hard to relate to situations that in the past seemed important, they now seem so simplistic. 

At times I have felt like I am on a stage, trying to figure out who it is that is acting out the role that I am in. I am searching for the person that I will become, because the other one is gone...

Time illusions

Time... what is it really?  A measurement of experiences...

So elusive as I try to gauge what 3, 6, 12 months really is... an eternity in some aspects and yet in other ways, something that feels completely blended into one breath, one heartbeat.  At best it is a word to describe the ticking of my clock, something that should be rhythmic, consistent.  A gauge for life moving along. 
And yet it seems to be skipping ticks regularly, a constant stream of twists and turns that I am not prepared for, stopping my beating heart again.... and yet somehow it seems to adjust and continue beating..ticking... moving life along

        I remember grieving in the past 

The painting I painted after my fourth miscarriage,

                         to get me out of bed every morning.... 

The soul searching I went through as each adult child left home, and my life again faced a change, sometimes very suddenly. Oh how I wanted to rewind the clock that continued to tick.
I remember losing passion for everything when my mother died unexpectedly four months after my father died, from Alzheimer’s.  Initially nothing motivated me. I found myself asking the really hard questions.  What will my life start to look like as I find myself empty nested?  What will I do?  Will I feel important? 

It was the beginning of Madie's senior year and I understood that she would also soon be moving on, far away..

           
                    Her growing up presented a life shift for me,

My protected little girls were growing up, the clock seemed to be ticking faster. 
Somehow in the lost days, wandering around my house looking for something to grasp to get me through this paradigm shift, I found passion in embracing the time I had left with Madie. 
I will never regret the inconveniences that I went through to have that time with her.

The hours I stitched my mother's sewing skills into beautiful dresses for her to wear.

 The creating that again helped me grieve the loss of loved ones.

 The many trips to the school to spend a few minutes with her at the gym in between school and rehearsals. Spending much of January helping with "Once Upon a Mattress"  which became a family event.             

Waiting for her to wake up from long naps after school so we could go on a very late night walk, even though I would have loved to go many hours earlier. Yes somewhere I knew that time was my enemy, and yet also my expression of love. I cried freely her senior year as I felt my hours, days and weeks with her slipping away. My deepest love for her, beckoned me to let her spend time with others while my own heart so desperately wanted to cling to her last moments at home.

I find I now have time.. so much time... Each day choices, so many possibilities, and yet I am drawn to taking time for reflection, introspection, soul searching, grieving, cherishing memories. Also realizing that as time  ticks along other moments are possibly being missed with my friends and loved ones. 

Time is illusive, and once gone is lost. It is also a teacher of how to embrace the time remaining, living with minimal regrets... I am grateful for lessons learned as I understand more completely the gift of time... Grateful for the time that was well spent with Madeline Morris... for the privilege of being a mother to each of my children.

Walking through time with a wonderful husband who supports me, loves me, and shares the journey. Also time spent one on one with so many precious children of God, to see the face of God in his creations... 

That makes time meaningful... it is where we have the privilege to discover who we really are, brothers and sisters of a divine creator, who loved us enough to send his son, to atone and sacrifice his life, breaking the bands of death, so that time would be endless....

Feb 20, 2013 

 There is something  about feeling stuck in a black and white film as life moves forward in color...It is a swirling of color and events, and I find myself wondering how to be able to catch the ride, when I'm not sure what my mode of transportation could be, or if I am even ready to embrace the journey. 

Such a tug of emotions, and feelings... the past seems safe, the future seems blurry at best, the present... one breath at a time. Enjoying any reprieve from the weight of the moment... today was another shifting of energy as I felt renewed as the day progressed, realizing that physical pain made it much harder to deal with emotional pain, and that I linked them together. 

So much of our experiences are molded in the early years of our lives. I had both my mother and grandmother struggle with grief that was tied to physical pain. My mother's sisters died when she was a small girl, leaving me very influenced by the great lose both to my grandparents who lived close by and my mother. Both women suffered health challenges that resulted in pain, and a subtle depression that hovered over their lives.
I have worked very hard over the past decade to release myself from repeating their patterns, and felt like I had discovered some great tools right before Madie died. 

As I experienced a headache over the weekend that finally subsided this afternoon, I realized how much harder it made dealing with grief and how it brought a depression over me that was hard to pull out of. Memories of all the previous years that a migraine had taking my life from me, also recalling my mother and grandmother react to their physical and emotional pain. Like a comfortable blanket that I had been wrapped in so many times, even though I hated the robbing of my days when it would happen. I wondered how to disassociate the grief, headache and depression that seemed so intrinsically linked together. How is it that I succumb to defeat when my head hurts, and yet others seem to carry on when in physical pain?

Again some points to ponder on... I pray for the answers to come as I find myself again looking for new ways to walk through life, trusting that there is more to life than grief and pain. That Heavenly Father is aware of me and my struggles. To trust him and accept that these experiences are to help me discover my divine nature. 

Even though I don't see the end of the journey, I cling to hope that I can come out of this with a renewed desire to again participate in a world of color that is brilliant,
looking for the ray of sunshine, the promised rainbow, trusting that I will be better for having gone through this than I would have been without this most painful dark period of my life... 
As the realization of our fragile existence is embedded more deeply in my soul, I recall that grief is the shadow of love, and when the day is also grey, laced with physical pain, it is so much harder to find the sliver of light beckoning hope for a bright tomorrow, and yet I must continue forward with hope...