Feb 14,2013  Bipolar... that is a  good way to describe my experience with grieving. 

Monday and Tuesday were so incredibly hard, then the sun came out yesterday and it felt so symbolic that light had entered my heart again. I had one of the best days I have had. I even made my really healthy cookies and dinner, which for someone who hasn't hardly cooked in 2 1/2 months was crazy. 

Marielle came home from school and we were having U-verse installed which also meant we would have TV again, after many years of just movies. She later told MarShae "When I came home from school mom offered me homemade "healthy" cookies, and there was a man installing cable...what has happened?" Knowing that the day before her mother had spent the day crying she must really be confused...Yes ..THIS IS COMPLICATED!!!! 

Explaining why would take a dissertation, but this is an insight into our life. A house of individuals who can be in any place on any scale living together on any given day or hour.

I was actually happy yesterday, and yet in despair the day before.

Bipolar fits as a description.... so weird

Feb 12,2013   

There are days when what I am feeling are better left unsaid... Today would be one of those days. 
Oh how I long for the problems of old, the things that I thought rocked my world...
How I long for the tears of last years Valentines, which now seem so trite, 
Oh how I wish that every revelation that comes to me in my process of thinking were so easy to implement. 

I wish that I could see myself in 5 years and how this really was for my good, because my vision of that is very clouded.

Oh how I wish that life could be on a straighter course without the deviations of the heart,

How I wish that I wasn't acquainted with grief, that the answers of my faith made it easy to bear.

Oh how I wish that my children could have had a mother who wasn't so richly acquainted with grief.

Oh how I wish I could see clearly, the day when every tear would be wiped away, and I could see the refinement of my soul, that is a puddle of pity today.

Oh how I wish that I didn't understand this horrible heartache and pain.

I wish that it was easier to heal,

Yes I wish for many things, but I guess that would make the journey too easy...

So for now help me Lord to accept this burden as a little child, to see it as an opportunity to understand others with a kinder heart, help me to appreciate the journey....

I will honor Madie by...

Feb 11,2013   Taking the past into the present... This has occupied many of my thoughts over the past few days. How do I move forward without feeling like I am leaving Madeline Morris behind? It seems like I am bungee jumping, trying to live in the present while my heart is very stuck in the past. As I have worked on the concept of combining the two worlds, I have felt polarized.
How to move forward with Madie... she isn't a physical presence anymore and yet she is almost constantly in the recesses of my thinking. The battle lies between my ears...

How to honor her, and keep her a part of who I am... I did have 7 children, not 6 and I have poured my heart in different ways into each of them. My life is defined in many ways by choices to have a large family. I am who I am because of that choice. A mother, a partner with Larry and God. Bringing his spirit children to the earth.

There was a fork in the road that took me down this path instead of another to follow a career as a performer. It was a difficult choice at the time, and yet I realize that the gift of being a mother far outweighs what I left behind. 
I have pondered as of late, the joy and heartache that has accompanied that decision. I feel it has given me a richness of experiences that have stretched me beyond my capacity to really grasp. Again polarized.... Joy and grief...

The fact that my path seems confusing right now should come as no surprise, and yet it does.. I long for the steady, predictable path, that doesn't vary or stray from my expectations. A path that feels safe.. but how can it feel safe when a land mine has exploded and left the terrain unrecognizable? 

Again I come back to my knees... asking for comfort and guidance, when nothing carries the same weight of importance as previously.
I find myself asking the really hard questions... How do I define myself? I am a mother! Eleven pregnancies, four miscarriages, 7 children I gave birth to, 6 living, one daughter who has died...My path of life has experienced so many twists and turns, but here I stand at another fork... how to move forward???

Taking Madie forward by remembering the qualities about her that I loved and trying to implement them, it doesn't bring her back but helps me feel like I am not abandoning her. I feel like the past two months I have been existing. I am still breathing, looking for comfort and joy in the journey, since I was left to figure out how to keep putting one foot in front of the other, regardless of the lead that is in my shoes... 

SO... How will I honor Madeline Rose?

I will honor Madie by remaining faithful, like a child accepting God's will in my life. 
I will honor Madie by sharing my knowledge of God the Father, his son Jesus Christ and the Holy ghost who have been so ever present in my days and nights, regardless of the depth of my sorrow and pain..
I will honor Madie by loving All of God's children guilelessly, and looking for their divine nature.
I will honor Madie by showing forth charity, the pure love of Christ, and listening to the Holy Ghost's promptings of when I am falling short.
I will honor Madie by singing, even when I am too choked up to sing.
I will honor Madie by continuing to dance.
I will honor Madie by looking for something every day to be grateful for.
I will honor Madie by working hard, but also allowing myself the understanding that working hard right now is getting out of bed and living.
I will honor Madie by smelling the roses.
I will honor Madie by going to the Temple, and serving there.
I will honor Madie by loving her siblings and father better than before.
I will honor Madie by staying the course, living in the present, with whatever of her I must carry forward with me to feel okay about letting go of the past... 

Feb 7,2013 

  Life is calming down for the first time since the accident... I am not sure what to think but I did take a very long nap today. 

I have enjoyed so many wonderful chats/visits with old friends, family and new acquaintances. I can't begin to express gratitude for the love that has been shown to our family in so many numerous ways. It helps lighten the load, that is ever present and feels so heavy. 

I never knew that life could seem so undirectional (the opposite of 1D :) ) Not sure what to do or where to go. Each day I just see where the day takes me and give myself space to not do anything that I don't feel like doing. I have so many things I need to do, or want to do, or desire to see done. 

I realize the one thing I have is time. Madie's time is gone, but I am left with trying to figure out how to fill my time. I would be kidding myself if I said, it doesn't seem like it will be forever until I am with her again, but I am grateful for little things that make her not seem so completely gone, coincidences that are just too perfect not to acknowledge that a loving Heavenly Father is trying to let me know, he knows I am in a constant struggle with Madeline Morris leaving our lives so unexpectedly.

The musical being over leaves me feeling somewhat alone... I can truly say that it was nothing short of a miracle to have this parallel our live, with so much meaning that was applicable to our situation. How to have hope and rebuild when your dreams or wishes are shattered. MarShae Morris seems to naturally embody the spirit of hope. She had a personal witness the day of the accident to know that Madie didn't leave early. I loved watching her share the message of hope, that we are never alone. I will always love and cherish this journey "Into the Woods" With my heart full of grief; I was nurtured by my sweet daughter's courage to offer my broken heart hope. 

I can hope for a bright tomorrow without denying the darkness of today. I can keep my faith in Heavenly Father, hoping for a happier future, while allowing myself to grieve in the present.

Oh how I wish that the lessons of life, that teach us the most didn't come with such a tremendous price tag, but grief is the natural byproduct of love.

"I Wish"

Jan 23,2013   Woke up this morning at 4:30 a.m. to be involved with MarShae's previews for "Into the Woods". A thought I had as I watched each preview was, "I haven't one regret for any time I ever spent with one of my children, regardless of the inconvenience it might have been at the time.."

A line that MarShae Morris opens and closes the show with is "I wish"... How often in life have I wished for something that I later discover is insignificant, or a distraction. 

My personal regrets are the important events that I wasn't present for, either physically or mentally. Life pushes onward and sometimes the busyness, worries, stress or fatigue leave us not really present... 

"I wish... More than anything..." that I could rewind the clock...

Things that seemed important before just seem like a waste of energy...

Connection to our families and friends....giving of our time... Even if it is with half of a heart, because life events weigh us down, knowing that we did our best in the circumstances...

"I wish... More than anything.." my life could be lived without regrets...

We truly don't know when someone we love and care about could prematurely leave our physical presence. The hole and emptiness that is left behind is just that... a large gaping hole.. I am grateful that I have very limited regrets especially in the last year of Madie's life. 

So thankful for my family and the lives my grown children are living... Also that I have a wonderful husband and two lovely daughters still living at home to give me things to be involved in on a daily basis...I don't know if I would get out of bed without these girls right now. My guess is I wouldn't... I am grateful for tender mercies as I attempt to live in whatever fog or haze that seems to envelope my present life..

Oh how "I wish..... more than anything....." that I could have 
"One more day, ONE. DAY. MORE..." with all my family together...
with Madeline Morris

Jan 21,2013  I believe that  everyone regardless of who they are struggles with vulnerability. It is part of our feeling that the world can see our imperfections. The truth is we need to really come to understand that "we are enough". We waste so much energy worried about how we might mess up and someone might think badly of us. As we come to understand our own worth and that each of God's children our amazing beyond description, we find that it is easier to overlook the irritations of living. When we love ourselves, and quit focusing on our imperfections, we are freed to look for ways to listen and build others around us by letting them know, they are important. 

I believe it is when we become powerful and find joy in life! When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, than we open the gate for the contrast which is security and happiness....

So with all of this, I will say that I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. There are moments when a wave of grief hits and the intensity is so deep that I wonder if I will ever find joy again.. At those times I just try to allow the grief to wash through me and hope that I will again pull through and find the rainbow in the sky. The promise of the sun coming out again after the rain...

Jan 5,2013   The last four days have been a blur... so much has been going on but I don't seem to get very much accomplished... I am OK with that but it is really weird to be so unproductive and unmotivated. I realize that the most important thing is to move through the grief, and not expect too much of myself. I must say that this is a lot more complicated to live through than I would have understood prior to the accident.

I am so thankful for the Holy Ghost and the comfort it brings, the guidance that comes, the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father, of our Savior Jesus Christ who suffered for all the sins, pains, heartache, grief, disappointment, that all of God's children will experience. It is mind boggling and sad for me to think that he felt this depth of pain and all the rest of mankind's combined. It is beyond what I have any inkling of a brain particle to imagine. 

I still find it so hard to imagine life without Madeline Morris being a part of it. I see a picture or have a flash of a memory and think, surely this can't be so, and yet my logical side knows that it is. I know she would want me to be happy and involved in the lives of others, really present. I have pep talks on a regular basis with myself to try and stay in the present.

I have also been re reading a near death experience book that I read several years ago, and a concept that jumped out at me is that when people die it is viewed as a new birth. It is celebrated! Too bad we don't have that perspective! Also that time for them doesn't really exist, so what seems like it will be forever to me to be with her again, doesn't feel that way to her. It gave me some comfort pondering on these ideas. 

I am grateful for Eternal families, I'm also grateful for my family and friends, that bring complexities, joy, kindness, challenges, and love! It keeps life interesting, and gives my brain other things to think about....and that's a good thing ♥