It's a mother thing... 23 months and counting

You know the drill, your baby has been sleeping for a bit too long, and you have to check to see if they are still breathing.. 

 I wouldn't begin to know how many times in my life I have done that or looked in on a child while they are sleeping, even when they are grown. 

 It's instinctual, something mothers do.  Sometimes I can see in that full grown body, the baby that I checked so often in their sleep. 

So what does that have to do with anything?

I have felt over the past several months that my grief for Madie needed to be reined in, and while I know for the sake of others, it does, I have suffered physically for doing so. When I push down feelings they seem to manifest as a headache.  It took me awhile to see the connection.  
For example, I am at an event and something brings up a memory of  Madeline.  I feel the emotions rising, the tears coming and I tell myself,  "Not now!"  This isn't about Madie, it's about______   
BUT, it's not like when I find some time alone I can say 

"okay... let those feelings go". 

It doesn't work that way. 

 I might find that I have pushed down feelings for days or weeks, and then something finally hits and I can't hold them back anymore.   A headache is often a part of it. Sometimes it happens right after I'm stifling feelings, often after I finally let them go.  

Why acknowledge this?  
I believe that many of us punish ourselves physically by not embracing our feelings.  It may manifests itself  differently,  but understanding the connection helps me to find a solution.  I have to honor and release the feelings as they come, easier said then done because it involves change.  

Again the difficulty is I want to protect my children from seeing it.  I want them to have life return to normal, and so it's a battle between the love I have for them, and the love I feel for Madie. 
I also want to engage in a more normal social life, but fortunately I'm not the norm...

Part of the conflict lies in wanting to enjoy life, and not have everything have a twinge of regret or remembrance of Madie, but just like the mother checking to see if her child is still breathing, so it is with this.

 The instinct within my very being is 

to take her with me.

 My mother heart wants to keep checking in on her. 
I know she still exists, but I don't have a physical way to check her. 

My heart is the only heart still beating.  

The same heart that beat with her's for 9 gestational months.  

She lives on inside of me. It's the only way I know to move forward. 

When I'm involved with an event, she's always there, never far from my thoughts. Things repeatedly remind me of her, and while I love remembering, I feel like I'm vacillating between living in the moment, and a memory from the past.  
 I want to live, and yet I want her to live too.  It is the most unnatural experience a mother can go through.

 It's complicated.

So after an incredibly busy month, full of many exciting and important events, I find myself today, putting a voice to the rest of the story.  It's Oct 20th, 23 months since Madie's  heart stopped beating,  and a new life for me began.  Even though I am learning how to move forward, it is a new path, a new way of living, so I leave my inner thoughts to Madie...

Dear Madie,

This is so incredibly complicated.  I love you beyond words.  I miss you in every breath I take.  I am grateful that I do remember, but I can't wait to be with you again.
I used to think life gave me difficult challenges, Miscarriages, financial issues,etc,  but this has taught me that life is precious, and that experiencing life is important.  Making the most of the moments, and not taking anyone for granted.
 I miss your laugh!  
Seeing you sitting at the computer biting your nails or the ends of your hair. 
 I miss you eating apples and walnuts.
 Shopping, doing your hair, making beautiful dresses for you...  
Our late night walks, our talks about life will always be a treasure. I will never forget your senior year, and how often you listened to me as I talked about how much I missed my mom that had just died. 
I miss your grumpy sleepiness.  That there won't ever be a wedding,or little Madie's running around.  

I am grateful to see things daily that make me feel like you are sending "Hello's"  Keep sending them, and till I leave this earth and can hold you once again,  

I love you 

more then any words....  
mom